As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
--Sir Norman Wisdom
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
A harmful truth is always better then...a use ful lie !!!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
--Mic k! ey Rooney
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born ?
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are s...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
Q - Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? Q - If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as ...
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in...