- I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
- Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
- I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
- I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Monday, November 5, 2007
Tags: Funny Quotes
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