- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect , and therefore I'm perfect.
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- The statement below is true.
- The statement above is false.
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who is left.
- The best way to prevent a hangover is to stay drunk.
- If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man , it's your stupidity.
- I was born intelligent... education ruined me.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
- Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
- Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
- Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!
- ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what? who's in a hurry?
- Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop!
- A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister", the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking...." "Great," the drunk exclaimed.
When do we get started?
1. Every body continues its state of rest or uniform motion unless it
is acted by external unbalanced force.
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding
mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.
2. The rate of change of velocity of a body is directly proportional
to the applied force & takes place in the same direction in which
force is applied
The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the
payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when
deadline force is applied.
3.For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite
This one is too good
4. Law of Conservation of Energy: Energy can neither be created nor be
destroyed. It can be converted from one form to another. The total
amount of energy in the universe always remains constant.
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a
developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The
total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Tags: Funny Sayings
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
* Cut an apple in two halfs- take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside
* Both of you three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the window.
* Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
* Take 5 cm wire of any length.
* I have two daughters both of them are girls
At the play ground:
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
* You, rotate the ground four times
* You, go and under-stand the tree
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why you are late - say YES or NO
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a ! man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs .
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand
Tags: Text Jokes
Our hero is chatting with a Girl on messenger. Both are s/w engrs.
Hero : Hey..GM.. hows u doing today?
Heroine : VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : wow...am honoured, u know wat, my day starts only when i find you on chat
Heroine : Yep...me too feel the same..brb (be right back) 'll get some coffee.
Hero : OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but i think its quite hard, is it ok with you, if i give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager : Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroine to arrive.All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Heroine : Hey, am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager, he's kinda keeps asking stupid things, tries to give me stupid work
Heroine : Yeah, its the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!
Heroine : Hey, can u do me a favour
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Heroin : Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? plzzz. You know its real urgent for me to work this out
Hero : Hey, thats a one-hour's work. Sure check ur mail in an hour from now.ok?
Heroin : THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!! YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOWWWWWW...
Boss : " U know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " yes I do "
Boss : "So let me make u understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
Comparison study: Appraisal and Resignation
In Appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors, and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In Appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand ( or get even without asking ) more than 50-60% hike.
During Appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead our juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
Trainee : " Yes boss enough, now I understood my future.
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'"
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"
"Ouch!" said the guy "I can see why you lost that hole but how come you lost the game?"
"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second *gotcha*?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
~ Douglas Adams ~
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
~ Steven Wright ~
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~ Andy Rooney ~
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
~ Marty Feldman.~
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
~ Albert Einstein ~
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
~ Jimmy Durante
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
~ Albert Einstein ~
Tags: Funny Quotes
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your old age home.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks,"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Tags: Text Jokes
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"
PRISON : You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
PRISON: You get three meals a day-FREE-.
WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
WORK: You must carry around a security card as well as unlock and open all the doors yourself.
PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
PRISON: You get your own toilet.
WORK: You have to share.
PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK: You can not even speak to your family and friends.
PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on.
Santa replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the world cup qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone.
Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried bcoz he has backing of selectors, captain and board.... and that they had won a close match against Papua new guinea just 2 yrs ago.
Rahul Dravid, the coach of New Zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy.
Mahender singh Dhoni broke Ajit agarkars record of most no of consecutive ducks in twenty 20.
Saurav Ganguly, the coach of England feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field.
The current leading man from Bollywood bret lee advices ms dhoni to take up acting as well.
Meanwhile Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match... and thus they avenged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows Ireland.
Inzamam ul haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that "Boys plays well...they try hard...inshallah we wins the world cup"
The police arrested 8 ppl for violence after England and NZ match... Investigations revealed that these ppl were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut which have 623241516 and 126542 members respectively.
The Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action ..former players like yuvraj singh, md kaif, VVS laxman and kumble have been invited...coach sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report.
Tags: India Cricket Joke Funny
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice- Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
My dear Son,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 more miles away.
I won't be able to send you the address as the last family who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, n that our address will remain the same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine right above the toilet. I'm not sure if it works too well as last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He now has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. Your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S: I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
8:30AM: wake up
8:45AM: Tough decision; To bath or not.
8:50AM: Have To.
9:15AM: Punch in.
9:20AM: Check Mail.
9:25AM: Check Again just in case...
9:30AM: Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea(9:45AM).
9:45AM: TEA party.
10:00AM: Check Mail.
10:05AM: Check again. can't Believe that no mail has come. Is every body dead or what ?
10:20AM: Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM: Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his pathetic, boring and useless existence.
10:40AM: Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for the file.(Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM: Boss summons in his office. Bad sign.
11:30AM: How the hell ! am I suppose to remember everything. Why should I be responsible for everything that goes bad.
11:45AM: Try to locate a scapegoat. No body around.
12:00AM: Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
1:00PM: Lunch over.
1:10PM: Go for a smoke. Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM: Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the cig. the other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM: Mood is good. Decide to go to cool web sites. Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM: Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM: Tea Time.
3:00PM: Chat and discuss with colleague on the bad state of the company.Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM: A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM: Try to look busy.
4:12PM: He is asking for a techn! ical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM: After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM: No solution found. really angry on the guy for getting myself involved.
4:55PM: Suddenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown in.
5:00PM: Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
5:05PM: Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM: Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM: It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
5:14PM: a quick dash for gate.
5:15PM: Third in punching out.
5:25PM: Reached Room.
5:26PM: TV on. No worth while program.
8:30PM: Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazy and irresponsible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse government and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives. Pret! ty bad and stinking.
8:48PM: Dinner finished.
8:50PM: Bay watch. At last some quality.
11:30PM: Mtv Grind. Hmm things are looking up.
12:45AM: Today there were really good programs.
1:46AM: Decide to sleep. Tough day ahead.
Three blondes are celebrating their success in a pub.
The bartender asks them: "Girls, what's the reason for the celebration?"
One of the blondes responds: "Well, we just finished this puzzle and it took us only a month, while the box indicated: 3 to 6 years!"...
Following are some of great quotes by Chanakya (Chankaya was a Indian politician, strategist and writer who lived between 350 BC-275 BC)
"A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first."
"Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."
"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. It will destroy you."
"There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."
"! Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."
"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."
"The world's biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman."
"Once you start a working on something, don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest."
"The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction."
"A man is great by deeds, not by birth."
"Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships will never give you any happiness."
"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them.! By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends."
"Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person."
"Education is the best friend. An educated person is respected everywhere. Education beats the beauty and the youth."
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are s...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can...
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate Amer...
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is...
I'd really love to, but... I have to floss my cat. I've dedicated my life to linguini. I want to spend more ...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in...