Basic Rules of Flying

Planing to be a pilot . Here are some basic rules that should always be followed while flying.

1. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

2. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

15. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

10 Ways To Be Annoying

Ever wanted to annoy people around you , here are some useful tips for getting started.


  1. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
  2. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you re a spider person.
  3. When attending a movie you ve already seen, yell out: Don t let him in! He s the killer!
  4. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
  5. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: I hope I fixed it this time.
  6. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
  7. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it s full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
  8. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
  9. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
  10. Insist that life is one big musical, then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Can you think of any other way? If yes write it in comments below.

Actual Country Song Titles - Hilarious

Following is the list of some of the most funny country songs title.

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. I Keep Forgetten I Forgot About You
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I m Kissing You Good-bye
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I m Afraid She'd Win
13. I ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I m So Miserable Without You, It s Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer ,There's a Fly On Papa's Head
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

If you know about another such funny song title, please leave them in comments below.

Funny Quotes About Life

Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

Time may be a great healer, but it s also a lousy beautician.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Even if you are on the right track, you ll get run over if you just stand there.

It s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Some Funny Proverbs Of All Time

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

In A Loo - Keep Your Mouth Shut

This Guy was traveling on a highway and took a stoppage to visit a restroom . Following is the true conversion that happened.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

Funny Matrimony Ads

Have you ever put an ad on a matrimonial website or newspaper. Following are some of the most funniest ads that you might find out there . Have any of you posted this?

Warning- Ignore Grammar and spell errors as everything is straight from the heart!



- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Santheesha , I am single i dont have Famale,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Santheesha (R U there Mr.???)



- i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he
is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)




- Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)



- She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)



- I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)



- i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)



- My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)



- i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)



- HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing)



- whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost)



- i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")



- HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)



- looking for a well groomed bride. well behaved & knowing to cook chicken. Should be familiar to handle (hmm...handle?)



- HANDSOME, SMART LOOKING, TRYING IN MODELLING INTERESTED IN MEDICINE, HAVING NO GIRL FRIENDS AT ALL. BUT WAS THERE IN MY SCHOOL TIME . I SHOWED THEM ALL RELEASED MOVIES (hmm...)



- iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)



- iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.(I doubt the presence of some of our batchmates...:))



- my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation!)



- Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.(Its gonna be Saas-Bahu...)



- good looking girl, smart and inteligent girl, working effeciency is must.



- iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.




- hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i`divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded`and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (but credit cards not accepted) .



- my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service



- i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)



- to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)



- i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi. (Wow...Now she is going to be a luckygirl!)



- ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers ?)



- The partner must be tall to matchup. Working lady is preferable. Must be loving in nature. having no children problem. (A girl is supposed to know this before the marriage....????).

Live Life King Size

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step:
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"


"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said.
"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

"This is absolutely amazing at your age", says the passer-by. "How old are you?"

"Twenty four"!!!


“I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.” - Chuck Palahniuk

Smart Way To Write Love Letter

LOVE/HATE LETTER...........

Read this "HATE letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.... However,the girl's father does not like him and wants them stop their relationship......and so.. the boy wrote this letter to the girl. He knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter first

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!!
However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd No.)

So.. please try reading it again! It's so smart &sweet

Some Funny Laws - But How True

Funny ....but how true !!!!

O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Romantic 1st lines.... Deadly 2nd lines

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

If you have any other such rhyme, leave it in comments bellow

How To Make A Woman Happy


What it takes to make a woman happy.
Well To make A woman happy; A man only needs to be :


1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14 . A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. an organiser
22. A good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, Man MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


So basically it is impossible to make a women happy. Happy Women is a myth.







On the contrary to make a man happy:

1 . Just Leave him alone.

Bush Develops Strange Gas Problem

George Bush goes to the doctor and says,

"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

On this the doctor says , "I see your problem, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the Bush goes back. "Doctor, " he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."


Some unconfirmed reports indicate that this may very well be the reason why Powell left Bush.


Bad corporate slogans

These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Nike: "Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes!"

Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

4 Best Chinese Jokes


I particularly enjoyed the 3rd one, its brilliant - :)))
I can see you laughing .

Funny Hoarding From Syria

Password - Keep It Safe

Kids Learn Business Early These Days

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, " I'll give £20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a small Indian boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."


The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Hitesh, come up here and I'll give you the £20."

As the teacher was giving Hitesh his money, she said, "You know, Hitesh, since you're Indian, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."


Hitesh replied,"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business ! "

Management Talk - Hidden Meanings

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Bush's War Talk With Primary School Kids

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.


"Billy".

"And what is your question, Billy?"


"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got! more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And Fifth, what happened to Billy?"



See Also -> Bush Develops Strange Gas Problem

How To Turn Around Embarrassing Situation

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
"Er... excuse me, would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says,
"You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"


One Line Jokes

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll egret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!


Best Joke On Women

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"


Four Stages Of Life


This picture beautifully defines 4 stages of life .
As baby you have "Milk Bottle"
As kid you have "Coke or Pepsi"
At young - mid age you indulge in "Alcohol"
And finally at old age You need "Glucose - In Hospital"

How Bugs Are Fixed In Software Companies




This picture story fits perfectly with how bugs are fixed in Software Industry. Remove 1 Bug Add 3 More.

Tip For Women - Keep Your Husband Under Fear

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.
My wife said, "That's once".

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said,
"That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said, "That's once".

"And we lived happily ever after".!!


Smart Kid

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,

"Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle "Me."

Which Standard Are You In

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Meeting - A Practical Alternative To Work




For All Those Who Love Their Bosses

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to
speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOU’R BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I JUST LOVE HEARING IT".

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

Reason 1

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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Reason 2

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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Reason 3

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Reason 4

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Reason 5

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."


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Reason 6

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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Reason 7

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Brand New Car For 1/2 Price - Hurry

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Other Half Will Cost Same As This One :)))

Always Listen To Your Doctor

Funny Menu

  • "Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90."

  • "Our whipped butter is made with margarine."

  • "7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings."

  • "We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher." -- On a menu of a restaurant in Danvers, Massachusetts.

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