How HR Screw You ?

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
" Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're an Employee. "

Mr. Bean - To The Beach & Back


Mr. Bean - To The Beach & Back - For more of the funniest videos, click here

Funny Breakfast Order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said,
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

Santa & Banta Robs A Bank

Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'

'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'

What's the key to HUMOR?

So what is the key to humor, smile or feeling happy ?

It's simple:
don't take yourself too seriously.
Forget the canned jokes, just try to see the lighter side of things and laugh at yourself occasionally.
Keep in mind that Often it's not what we say that's funny, but it's the way we say it...

I know this is not the usual post on humor. But just wanted to share this though with the readers. Enjoy your day!!

Why Do Most Men File For Divorce ?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

Little Johny Explains Chemical Formula For Water

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Funny Answering Machine Messages

  1. Hi. Now you say something.
  2. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
  3. Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?
  4. Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!
  5. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  6. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
  7. Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back
  8. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
  9. (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
  10. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

George Bush Explaning "tragedy" To Kids


George Bush is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Bush, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying George Bush and His Team was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

101 Ways To Know Your Software Project Is Doomed

  1. Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall
  2. You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame
  3. The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message “Fuck it, I give up”
  4. You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files
  5. Your eldest team member references Martin Fowler as a ’snot-nosed punk’
  6. Your source code control system is a series of folders on a shared drive
  7. Allocated QA time is for Q and A why your crap is broken
  8. All of your requirements are written on a used cocktail napkin
  9. You start considering a new job so you don’t have to maintain the application you are building
  10. The lead web developer thinks the X in XHTML means ‘extreme’
  11. Ever iteration meeting starts with “Do you want the good news or the bad news…”
  12. Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level
  13. Progress is now measured by the number of fixed bugs and not completed features
  14. Continuous Integration is getting new employees to read the employee handbook
  15. You are friends with the janitor
  16. The SCRUM master doesn’t really care what you did yesterday or what you will do today
  17. Every milestone ends in a dead sprint
  18. Your best developer only has his A+ Certification
  19. You do not understand the acronyms DRY, YAGNI, or KISS; but you do understand WTF, PHB, and FUBAR
  20. Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file
  21. The only certification your software process has is ISO 9001/2000
  22. Your manager thinks ‘Metrics’ is a type of protein drink
  23. Every bug is prioritized as Critical
  24. Every feature is prioritized as Trivial
  25. Project estimates magically match the budget
  26. Developers use the excuse of ’self documenting code’ for no comments
  27. Your favorite software pattern is God Object
  28. You still believe compiling is a form of testing
  29. Developers still use Notepad as an IDE
  30. Your manager wastes 7 hours a week asking for progress reports (true story)
  31. You do not have your own machine and you are not doing pair programming
  32. Team Rule - No meetings until 10 AM since we were all here until 2 AM
  33. Your team believes ORM is a ‘fad’
  34. Your team believes the transition from VB6 to VB.NET will be ’seamless’
  35. Your manager thinks MS Project is the best management tool the market offers
  36. Your spouse only gets to see you on a webcam
  37. None of your unit tests have asserts in them
  38. FrontPage is your web page editor of choice
  39. You get into flame wars if { should be on new line, but you are impartial to patterns such as MVC
  40. The company motto is ‘Do more with less’
  41. The phrase ‘It works on my machine’ is heard more than once a day
  42. The last conference your .NET team attended was Apple WWDC 2000
  43. Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions
  44. All debugging occurs on the live server
  45. Your manager does not know how to check email
  46. Your manager thinks being SOX compliant means not working on baseball nights
  47. The company hires Senetor Ted Stevens to give your project kick-off inspiration speech
  48. The last book you read - Visual InterDev 6 Bible
  49. The overall budget is mistaken for your weekly Mountain Dew bill
  50. Your manager spends his lunch hour crying in his car (another true story)
  51. Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product
  52. Your boss expects you to spend the next 2 days creating a purchase request for a $50 component
  53. The sales team decreased your estimates because they believe you can work faster
  54. Requirement - Rank #1 on Google
  55. Everyday you work until Midnight, everyday your boss leaves at 4:30
  56. Your manager loves to say “Why do the developers care? They get paid by the hour.”
  57. The night shift at Starbucks knows you by name
  58. Management can not understand why anyone needs more than a single monitor
  59. Your development team only uses source control as a power failure backup system
  60. Developers are not responsible for any testing
  61. The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic
  62. Your white boards are mostly white (VersionOne)
  63. The client continually mistakes your burn-down chart for a burn-up chart
  64. The project code name is renamed to ‘The Death March’
  65. Now it physically pains you to say the word - Yes
  66. Your teammates don’t refactor, they refuctor
  67. To reward you for all of your overtime your boss purchases a new coffee maker
  68. Your project budget is entered in the company ledger as ‘Corporate Overhead’
  69. You secretly outsource pieces of the project so you can blog at work
  70. A Change Control Board is created and your product isn’t even its first alpha version
  71. Daily you consider breaking your fingers for the short term disability check
  72. The deadline has been renamed a ‘milestone’…just like the last ‘milestone’
  73. Your project managers ‘open door’ policy only applies between 5:01 PM - 7:59 AM
  74. Your boss argues “Why buy it when we can built it!”
  75. You bring beer to the office during your 2nd shift
  76. The project manager is spotted consulting a Ouija board
  77. You give misinformation to your teammates so you look better on your personal review
  78. All code reviews are scheduled a week before product launch
  79. Budget for testing exists as “if we have time”
  80. The client will only talk about the requirements after they receive a fixed estimation
  81. The boss does not find the humor in Dilbert
  82. You start noticing your boss’s poker tells during planning poker
  83. You start wondering if working 2 shifts at Pizza Hut is a better career alternative
  84. All performance issues are resolved by getting larger machines
  85. The project has been demoted to being released as a permanent ‘Beta’ version
  86. Your car is towed from the office parking lot as it was thought to be abandoned
  87. The project manager likes to doodle during requirements gathering meetings
  88. Your SCRUM team consists of 1
  89. Your timesheet looks like a Powerball ticket
  90. The web developer thinks being 508 means looking good in her Levi Red Tabs
  91. You think you need Multiple Personality Disorder medication because you are Mort, Elvis, and Einstein
  92. Your manager substitutes professional consultant advice for a Magic 8 Ball
  93. You know exactly how many compile warnings cause an ‘Out of Memory’ exception in your IDE
  94. I have used IDE twice in this list and you still don’t know what it stands for
  95. You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF
  96. Broken unit tests are deleted because they are obviously out of date
  97. You are sent to a conference to learn, but you skip sessions to go hunting for swag
  98. QA has nicknamed you Chief Off-By-One
  99. You are using MOSS 2007
  100. You have been 90% complete 90% of the time
  101. “Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too… thanks”

Little Axioms Of Life

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

George W. Bush - Grow Up And Be President

George's mother prayed fervently that George would grow up and be president. So far, only half of her prayer has been answered.


Fountain of Wayne


Fountain of Wayne, originally uploaded by pfong.

What did this kid had for breakfast ?

Funny Videos Of Babies

A sour baby, a hungry baby, a freaked out baby and a curly baby.


More Funny Babies - More amazing video clips are a click away

Equation Of Earnings

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since
Knowledge = Power,
and
Time = Money,

we have:

Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:


Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.

Reading Between The Lines

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

Funny Church Bulletins

The following are the announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins around the world. If you think deeply you will see the humor.



  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. There are some questions that can't be answered by Google.
  4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  6. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  7. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  8. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  9. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  10. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  11. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
  12. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  13. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
  14. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Software VS Hardware - Microsoft Vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
  9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Funny Signs in Great Britain

  1. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
  2. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  3. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  4. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
  5. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  6. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
  7. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  8. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
  9. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
  10. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
  11. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  12. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  13. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
  14. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
  15. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

McDonalds Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: ********

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But currently, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Quick Quiz - Are You Qualified To Be A Manager

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

Homer Simpson's Quote


For all you Simpon's fan

  1. “Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic...”
  2. “When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”
  3. “I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!”
  4. “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
  5. “Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
  6. “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.”
  7. “If at first you don't succeed, give up.”
  8. “You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
  9. “Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.”
  10. “I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!”
  11. “'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?”
  12. “Trying is the first step to failure”
  13. “If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”
  14. “Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!”
  15. “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
  16. “Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”
  17. “Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!”
  18. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Funny Quotes By Woody Allen

  1. "In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
  2. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
  3. "My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers."
  4. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
  5. "My wife and I pondered for a while whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
  6. "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
  7. "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
  8. "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."
  9. "My brain, that's my second favourite organ."
  10. "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
  11. "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

Funny Events In September

  1. Bright Idea Day(4th September)
  2. Be Late For Something Day(5th September)
  3. Do It Day(5th September)
  4. Rent A Movie Day(6th September)
  5. Nose Hair Maintenance Day(8th September)
  6. Pardon Me Day(8th September)
  7. Swap Ideas Day(10th September)
  8. Write Your Own Headlines Day(14th September)
  9. Wife Appreciation Day(15th September)
  10. Butterscotch Pudding Day(19th September)
  11. Ask A Stupid Question Day(28th September)

Simpsons - The Spider Pig



Lyrics

Spider pig
Spider pig
Does whatever a spider pig does
Can he swing From a web
No he can’t He’s a pig
Look Out
He is a spider pig

Also checkout funny Simpson's Quotes

Sidduism - Sidhu's 'quotes'


Navjot Singh Sidhu is a very famous Cricket Commentor and Politician. He is famous for the way he talks. Check out these quotes of Navjot Singh Sidhu.. really funny..

1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.

12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.

13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!

16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.

17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper.
He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

Bushism - Things that Bush Say


A Bushism is any of a number of peculiar words, phrases, pronunciations, malapropisms, semantic or linguistic errors and gaffes that have occurred in the public speaking of United States President George W. Bush

  1. "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
  2. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
  3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
  4. "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die."
  5. "I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."
  6. "You're working hard to put food on your family."
  7. "... able to make a living and ... put more money on the table."
  8. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
  9. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
  10. "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."
  11. "They misunderestimated ..."
  12. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says: fool me once, shame on ... (long pause) shame on you? (long pause) Fool me - you can't get fooled again."
  13. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
  14. "It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of ... people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble—that means not tell the truth."
  15. "Africa is a nation that suffers incredible disease."
  16. "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile"
  17. "Nigeria is an important continent."
  18. "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

NEW BUMPER STICKERS

Bumper stickers are a good source of humor. Here are some very funny bumper stickers.

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned

What Is Confidence ?

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!!!

Best Thing To Do When You Resign


Resignation is the time for getting even .. he he

Funny Events In August

Today while browsing I came across the list of events in August. I found name of some of these event very hilarious(may be they are festivals .. I am not sure what they are). Following is the list

  • Girlfriend's Day (1st August)
  • Grab Some Nuts Day(3rd August)
  • Work Like A Dog Day(3rd August)
  • Blackmail Day(5th August)
  • Try Hypnosis Day(5th August)
  • Refrigerator Day(8th August)
  • Send An Email Day(9th August)
  • Play In The Sand Day(11th August)
  • Tomato Festival (California)(11th August)
  • Watermelon Festival (Oklahoma)(11th August)
  • Chinese Valentine's Day(19th August)
  • Stay Home With Your Kids Day(20th August)
  • Just Because Day(27th August)
  • Eat Outside Day(31st August)
How many have you heard about. Do you know about any other such day, if yes leave those in comments.

English Is A Funny Language

Let's face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese -- one moose, two meese? And one index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not through a single annal? If you have a collection of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, did you brote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital; ship by truck, and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell; park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who WOULD hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but, when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Some Amazing Bumper Stickers

  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
    ...or something like that.
  • Keep honking while I reload.
  • If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Bad Cop! No Donut!
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
  • I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
  • Sorry, I don't date outside my species
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
  • Tow-ers will be violated.
  • Montana - At least our cows are sane!
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
  • It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
  • My karma ran over my dogma.
  • Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
  • Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
  • We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
  • If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  • There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  • So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
  • I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • My kid had sex with your honor student.
  • Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.
  • Hang up and drive.
  • Lord save me from your followers.
  • Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  • Born again pagan.
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Ax me about Ebonics
  • Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
  • Boldly going nowhere
  • CATS: The other white meat
  • CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
  • Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
  • Don't be sexist - broads hate that
  • Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
  • Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
  • He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
  • Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
  • How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
  • I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
  • If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
  • If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
  • I'm an imbecile and I vote
  • WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
  • CAUTION: I drive just like you!
  • If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  • Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
  • Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
  • It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
  • "Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
  • Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
  • Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
  • Constipated people don't give a crap.
  • If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people.
  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
  • To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
  • If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
  • If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
  • You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
  • The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
  • I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
  • This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
  • So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
  • Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
  • If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
  • The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
  • I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
  • Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  • Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
  • Boldly going nowhere
  • Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Super Bloopers


Super Bloopers

Tips On Love by Kids(Age 5-10)

Todays kids(a.k.a coolkids) seems to have answer of all tough questions. Following are some of the questions related to love and answers provided by kids(Quite amazing)
days considers themselves quite intelligent and think they have answer to all problems (even love matters). Following is the list of some of the questions asked and answers provided by kids... quite hilarious.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

Funny Quotes By Famous People

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
--Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
--Doug Larson

A harmful truth is always better then...a use ful lie !!!
--Eric Bolton


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
--Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
--Robert Paul

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
--Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
--Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
--W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
--Mic k! ey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
--Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
--Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
--Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
--Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
--Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
--Wndell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
--Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
--Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born ?
--Benny Hill

Importance Of Friends - Happy Friendship Day

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." --Elbert Hubard

Following Comic depicts a very funny story about friendship between a thief, cop and lawyer to explain the above quote. (click to enlarge image)



Snap Of The Year - Friendship and Love

Friendship and love explained in a single picture.


Funny Ways To Relieve Stress


Following is how you can relieve your stress(i.e. buy transferring it to some one else :)) )

  • Use your mastercard to pay off your visa.
  • Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  • When someone says,"Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
  • Make a list of things you have already done.
  • Thumb through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
  • Go shopping, Buy Everything, Sweat in them, Return them the next day!
  • Drive to school in reverse.
  • Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
  • Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his/her waiting room.
  • Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter an ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country, amazingly funny:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in () s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father s fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don t know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Don't Trust Rich People - No Matter How Nice They Seem

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Similarities Between George Bush And Osama Bin Laden

Click on image to enlarge.

Travel Agents On Strike To Protest Falling IQ Levels

Travel Agents from around the country have announced a 1 week strike to protest against falling IQ levels in the country. According to their spokesman Mr Boing-boing "The falling IQ standards is causing acute job-dissatisfaction among people employed in travel related jobs".

In their petition they have presented following incidents as reported by various U
S travel agents



A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Washington?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."


Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."


A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."


A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express Card."


A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I m sorry, ma am, I ve looked up every airport code in the country and can t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

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