It's Impossible To Please Women

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.""Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs

Don't You Hate When People Do These Things

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

Best(stupidest) Pickup Lines

Is your dad a terrorist?
Cause ur the bomb.

Your dad must be a butcher,
cause ur a fine piece of meat.

Are your parents aliens?
Cause there’s nothing like you on this planet.

Are you a parking ticket?
Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.

Can i borrow your library card?
Cause i wanna check u out.

Do you believe in love at first not?
If you dont; let me walk by again.

Do you have a bandaide?
I scraped my knee falling for you.

Better call God,
He’s missing one of his angels.

Did it hurt?
Falling from heaven?

Do you have a map?
Cause i got lost in ur eyes.

Are u a burglar?
Cause u just stole my heart.

I’m not drunk,
I’m just intoxicated by you.

Were you arrested earlier?
It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

Ya know, you look really hot!
You must be real reason for global warming.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime,
you’d be guilty as charged!



If I were you I would never use these :)

How To Make Girls Behave Themselves

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Kids Are So Cute - No Matter What They Do


Like two sides of the coin there are two types of kids too . One as you see in above picture (sweet & innocent) and second as you see in picture below the "kid of today"



No matter what they do - they look cute.

Some Funny Crazy Thoughts

  1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  3. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  4. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  5. So what's the speed of dark?
  6. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  7. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  8. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  9. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  10. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
  11. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
  12. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  13. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  14. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  15. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  16. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  17. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  18. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
  19. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  20. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  21. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  22. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  23. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
  24. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  25. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
  26. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
  27. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  28. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  29. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  30. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  31. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  32. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  33. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
  34. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  35. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?
  36. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  37. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  38. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  39. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  40. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

I need it to poison my husband

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Think Before You Wish

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

”I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will
be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke. ” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be
$32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there, ” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”



I always wanted to be someone, Now I feel I should have been more specific.

Why Men make better friends than woman

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her Husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  2. How about never? Is never good for you?
  3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  6. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  10. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  11. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  17. Do I look like a people person?
  18. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  19. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  22. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  24. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  25. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.

What Is MARKETING?

1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

Point To Remember

What Does High School Mean


From : Stivers

What Courses Men Want Women To Take

As a follow up to earlier post titled "What Courses Women Want Their Men To Take" I would like to also point out what Men want there women to learn :

  1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
  2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
  3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
  4. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
  5. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
  6. Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
  7. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
  8. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
  9. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
  10. The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
  11. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
  12. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
  13. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
  14. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
  15. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
  16. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
  17. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
  18. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
  19. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
  20. Makeup: The Less is More Theory

KIDS ARE SMART

Some feel that kids are getting dumber these days. After reading following conversation they will have to change their opinion.

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.


TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.


TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.


TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.


TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
JOHNY
Big hands!

Words Women Use

  1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
  5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
  8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
  9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer to #3.

How To Avoid A Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Quotes To Live By

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  13. Some days you're the piegon; some days you're the statue.
  14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Why Tech Support Hate Their Jobs

Tech support guys have to deal with lot of silly people. Following are some true conversation recorded .


Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…

——————————————————————————–

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it’s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry ……

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer : Hello… I can’t print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and …
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!

——————————————————————————–

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

——————————————————————————–

Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…

——————————————————————————–

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

——————————————————————————–

A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

——————————————————————————–

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

——————————————————————————–

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Ok now for a made up comic -- I hope this has not happened in reality :-))

How To Make A Website Look Crazy

Code to make any website look crazy.

1. Open a website.
2. Clear the "Address Bar"
3. Paste following in the address bar

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

Press enter and enjoy.

Never Give UP

Lawyers Are Too Materialistic

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Funny Signs

  • "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.

  • "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.

  • "We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.

  • "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

  • "Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.

  • "You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.

  • "Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.

  • "Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.

  • "NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.

  • "Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.

Kids Can Do Anything To Get What They Want

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Petter and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Petter said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Petter taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Petter can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Anny

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer, please sign it. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Addicted To The Web

What Courses Women Want Their Men To Take

If women had control over what courses men should study. Following will be top 25 courses for that :

  1. You Too Can Do Housework
  2. Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
  3. How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
  4. Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
  5. Wonderful Laundry Techniques
  6. Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
  7. Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
  8. How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
  9. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
  10. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  11. Reasons To Give Flowers
  12. How To Stay Awake After
  13. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
  14. Anywhere But the Bathroom
  15. Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
  16. You – The Weaker Sex
  17. You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
  18. The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
  19. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
  20. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
  21. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
  22. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
  23. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
  24. Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
  25. How To Take Illness Like a Man

Excuses Drivers Make After Car Accidents


  • "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

  • "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

  • "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

  • "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

  • "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
  • "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

  • "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
  • "He applied brake and his car stopped, I applied brake and my car didn't stop."

  • "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

  • "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
  • "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

  • "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

  • "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

  • "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

  • "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

  • "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

  • "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

Lawyers - Most Disliked Proffesionals

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"


--99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Misc Funny Quotes From Restaurants

  • "Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.

  • "Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

  • "Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

  • "Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

  • "You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

  • "Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

  • "Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

  • "Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

  • "I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

  • "Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.

  • "Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

  • "Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

  • "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

  • "What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

  • "What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

  • "Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

  • "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

  • "How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

  • "Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

  • "Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

  • "Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

  • "That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

  • "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

  • "Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.

  • "Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

  • "This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

  • "I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"

How To Be Annoying Online

1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").


2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.

7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

*This article first appeared in Spy, July/August 1994.

Politics Explained In A Funny Way

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

How To Handle Irritating Person On A Plane?


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link:http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Note : Do it at your own risk :--))

Funny Quotes By American Presidents

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
Jimmy Carter.

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
Harry S Truman

"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say."
Richard Nixon.

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
George Bush.

"Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Ronald Reagan.

"When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal."
Richard Nixon.

"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
Ronald Reagan.

"I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon."
Ronald Reagan.

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."
Abraham Lincoln.

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
George Bush.

"I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
Ronald Reagan.

Funny Conversation Between Boy And Girl


BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy



GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...


GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??


GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple


GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve


BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??


BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Its Not Easy Being A Travel Agent

Travel agents receives a lot of queries from the travelers . But some of these queries can be very amusing. Some makes these agents bang theirs heads against the wall in frustration. Following are few such incidents reported by them.

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Washington?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."


Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."


A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."


A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express Card."


A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I m sorry, ma am, I ve looked up every airport code in the country and can t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

This Kid Knows A Lot


His Know Everyone!!! - Funny videos are here

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