- Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. --Anon
- If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge. --Henry Spencer
- Be careful about using the following code -- I've only proven that it works, I haven't tested it. --Donald Knuth
- The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. --Bertrand Russell
- The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. --Tom Cargill
- For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. --H L Mencken
- The Six Phases of a Project: - Enthusiasm
- When you start off by telling those who disagree with you that they are not merely in error but in sin, how much of a dialogue do you expect ?" --Thomas Sowell
- Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight. --Bill Gates
- Organizations which design systems are constrained to produce designs which are copies of the communication structures of these organizations. --Conway's Law
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Praise for non-participants
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $15.35; please pull up to the first window."
- Ask if you can Rent a pizza.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza as a topping.
- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. -- Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Tags: Funny Facts
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with reserch help from that renown scientific jounal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual inquiry to Santa Claus. IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer ca run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with reserch help from that renown scientific jounal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual inquiry to Santa Claus.
IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
- Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
- Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
- An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know.
- You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something?
- You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
- One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
- It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
- You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for havin played all those tricks on him.
- There's Injuns in them woods.
- You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
- If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the fire.
- If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the fire.
- There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
- You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.
- You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
- There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a foul ball.
- Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them off with.
- You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "America's Most Wanted."
- You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen
on "American Gladiators."
- There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind. It's too cold to go out.
- You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to walk around like a human-accordion for a few minutes.
- You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.
- One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep your finger on it so that you won't waste water.
- You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.
- There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might turn into a werewolf.
- If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between "pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows how they'll take their revenge.
- You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay home and guard it.
- If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.
- You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
- You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying, "What idiot did this?"
- You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the area, and then...
- An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you might get hit by a bus.
- You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to leave home without it.
- You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve years. Well, it might happen.
- You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."
- You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them more bread.
- You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.
- You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it. Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're not dead.
- You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and frankly, the woman might not give a damn.
- You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying whether or not you left the iron on.
I'd really love to, but...
I'd really love to, but...
Tags: funny list
- What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
- What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
- Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
- What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
- Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
- Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.
- Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
- Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
- Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
- Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5,000 miles, whichever came first.
- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.
- What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
- What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in New Zealand.
(unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying)
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternising with the enemy.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Tags: Funny Facts
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
- It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
- It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
- It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
- It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
- It is important that these four women never meet.
A college professor sets up two groups of computer experts.The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
Tags: computer jokes
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
~William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Withou question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting.
~George Jean Nathan
Alcohol may cause a few of the worlds' problems, but in the end it solves them all
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and se...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...