Laugh IT Out: October 2007

10 Programming Quotations

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. --Anon
If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge. --Henry Spencer
Be careful about using the following code -- I've only proven that it works, I haven't tested it. --Donald Knuth
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. --Bertrand Russell
The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time. --Tom Cargill
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. --H L Mencken
The Six Phases of a Project:

When you start off by telling those who disagree with you that they are not merely in error but in sin, how much of a dialogue do you expect ?" --Thomas Sowell
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight. --Bill Gates
Organizations which design systems are constrained to produce designs which are copies of the communication structures of these organizations. --Conway's Law

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo

15 Things To Do While Ordering Pizza Over Phone

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $15.35; please pull up to the first window."
Ask if you can Rent a pizza.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Ask to see a menu.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza as a topping.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move

Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)

Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.

Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors Each day hack off a different part of their body.

Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

Question & Answer About Lawyers

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. -- Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Weird American Laws

Alabama

In jasper, it is illigal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

It is illigal to play Dominos on Sunday.

It is illigal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska

In Fairbanks, it is illigal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona

In Tucson, it is illigal for women to wear pants.

In Globe, it is illigal to play cards in the street with a Native American.

In Glendale, it is illigal to drive a car in reverse.

In Nogales, it is illigal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

In Fayetteville, it is illigal to kill "any living creature".

Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

California

In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

In Pacific Groove, "molesting" butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

In Pasadena, it is illigal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

It is illigal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

In Long Beach, it is illigal to curse on a mini-golf course.

In San Francisco, it is illigal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

It is illigal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

Colorado

In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public dressed in clothing "unbecoming" one's sex.

In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

Connecticut

In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.

It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.

In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.

In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

Delaware

In Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are "form-fitting" around the waist.

Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida

In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.

In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia

All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.

In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.

In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.

It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

Hawaii

It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.

It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho

In Pocatello, ``the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.''

Also in Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation.''

Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.

Illinois

In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out in public.

In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.

In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.

According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American".

In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Indiana

Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.

The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.

Iowa

State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.

In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas

It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.

In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.

In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.

In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Kentucky

It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.

State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".

It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana

In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.

It is considered ``simple assault'' to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.

It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.

The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.

In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.

In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

Maryland

In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.

Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.

In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.

It's illegal to mistreat oysters.

It's illegal to play Randy Newman's ``Short People'' on the radio.

Massachusetts

In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.

It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.

North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns".

State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.

In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.

In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan

In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to ``sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.''

A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.

In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.

In Detroit, it is illegal to ``ogle'' a woman from a moving car.

In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.

Under state law, dentists are officially classified as ``mechanics.''

Minnesota

Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.

In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.

Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.

It's illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi

It is still legal to kill one's "servant".

In Truro, a would-be groom must ``prove himself manly'' prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri

In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that ``might frighten timid persons, children or animals.''

In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.

While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.

Missouri considers drunkenness an ``inalienable right.''

Montana

It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nebraska

It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.

In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests.

If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada

In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.

New Hampshire

It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

New Jersey

It is against the law to ``frown'' at a police officer.

In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

It is illegal to slurp soup.

In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Mexico

In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.

State officials ordered 400 words of ``sexually explicit material'' to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

New York

In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing".

In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look ``at a woman in that way,'' and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.

In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a ``faggot'' or ``queer'' in an effort to curb ``girlie behavior.''

In New York City, ``It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.''

North Carolina

In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.

Ironically, Hornytown has banned all massage parlors.

State law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.

It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

North Dakota

In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.

Ohio

In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell cornflakes on Sunday.

In Oxford, it is illegal for a women to disrobe in front of a man's picture.

In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.

Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.

Oklahoma

People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Oregon

One may not bathe without wearing ``suitable clothing,'' i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.

Salem has barred women's wrestling.

In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Pennsylvania

"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes".

In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.

Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

Rhode Island

In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.

South Carolina

Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.

South Dakota

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.

Tennessee

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; ``a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.''

Texas

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons ``of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.''

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Utah

Birds have the right of way on all highways.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Vermont

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

It is illegal to deny the existence of God.

It is illegal to whistle underwater.

Virginia

In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.

In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.

There is a state law prohibiting ``corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.''

In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington

In Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

In Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

West Virginia

In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Wisconsin

In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.

It is illegal to kiss on a train.

Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

Wyoming

It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater or place of amusement.

It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Santa Cannot Exist

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with reserch help from that renown scientific jounal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual inquiry to Santa Claus.

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300.000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (people under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per houshold, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time-zones and the rotation of earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.2 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer ca run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321.30 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weitght of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elisabeth.
353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enoumous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space-crafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.07 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seams ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

40 Reasons To Never Leave The House

Too much sun will give you skin cancer.

Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.

An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know.

You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something?

You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.

One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning you into a half-man/half-duck.

It's too windy. You might lose your hat.

You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for havin played all those tricks on him.

There's Injuns in them woods.

You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and you're hardly dressed for the occassion.

If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the fire.

If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in the fire.

There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.

You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.

You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.

There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to get beaned by a foul ball.

Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight them off with.

You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen on "America's Most Wanted."

You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen
on "American Gladiators."

There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never mind. It's too cold to go out.

You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to walk around like a human-accordion for a few minutes.

You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.

One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep your finger on it so that you won't waste water.

You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.

There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might turn into a werewolf.

If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between "pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you. If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who knows how they'll take their revenge.

You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay home and guard it.

If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.

You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.

You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying, "What idiot did this?"

You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the area, and then...

An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you might get hit by a bus.

You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to leave home without it.

You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way, until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet, eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve years. Well, it might happen.

You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats, all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or "Crazy Hat Lady."

You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot, pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them more bread.

You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like Abe Lincoln.

You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it. Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're not dead.

You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor, and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and frankly, the woman might not give a damn.

You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying whether or not you left the iron on.

101 Ways To Say No

I'd really love to, but...

I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
the President said he might drop in.
the man on television told me to stay tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
it's my parakeet's bowling night.
it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
my crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
my patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
the grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
my plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
it's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
my subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
the last time I went, I never came back.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
none of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
there are important world issues that need worrying about.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
my bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
you know how we psychos are.
my favorite commercial is on TV.
I have to study for a blood test.
I'm going to be old someday.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
my uncle escaped again.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
my palm reader advised against it.
my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I'm trying to cut down.
... well, maybe.

Men Bashing Saying Used By Women

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5,000 miles, whichever came first.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Never Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

What Do You Expect From A Blonde Kidnapper ?

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Funny Facts Of Life

There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in New Zealand.
(unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying)

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternising with the enemy.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire
his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Bush Learning Leadership Philosophy

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

5 Things You Want In Women?

It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
It is important that these four women never meet.

Is Computer Male Or Female ?

A college professor sets up two groups of computer experts.The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Alcoholic Wisdom

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
~William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~Ernest Hemingway

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
~Anonymous

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
~Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
~Anonymous

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
~Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
~Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
~-Anonymous

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
~Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
~Brian O'Rourke

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
~Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~Benjamin Franklin

Withou question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
~Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
~Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
~David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
~Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
~Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
~George Jean Nathan

Alcohol may cause a few of the worlds' problems, but in the end it solves them all
~Homer Simpson

Fat Wife Can Be Useful

10 Programming Quotations

Funny Military Warnings

15 Things To Do While Ordering Pizza Over Phone

20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move

Question & Answer About Lawyers

Weird American Laws

Santa Cannot Exist

40 Reasons To Never Leave The House

101 Ways To Say No

Men Bashing Saying Used By Women

Never Lie To A Woman

What Do You Expect From A Blonde Kidnapper ?

Funny Facts Of Life

Bush Learning Leadership Philosophy

5 Things You Want In Women?

Is Computer Male Or Female ?

Alcoholic Wisdom

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