Man With No Bad Habbits

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

40 THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

You Can't Make An Alcoholic Quit Drinking

This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender couldn't figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in.

The bartender finally said to the guy, "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3."

The guy said, "Yes, there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.

"One night while we were drinking we decided that we would continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided that if one of us didn't make it, the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. From then on, Friday after Friday, this guy now ordered only two drinks. The bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender said to him, "I notice you've only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."

The guy said, "Yes, indeed there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."

How Bad A Day Can Anyone Have

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.

30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."

43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"

49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."

50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.

56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).

57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.

60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")

67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.

68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."

74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.

75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

80. Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."

86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.

87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."

93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

It Happens Only In America

  1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating ring.
  3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
  10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Funny Tagline For Popular Brands

iPod: It’ll break in a year, but by then you’ll want the new one.

Apple: You think you need it, we know you just want it.

Samsung: Didn’t you mean to buy Sony?

Ikea: One day you’ll be able to afford real furniture.

Hummer: Get the attention you’ve always craved. While filling up the gas tank again.

Taco Bell: You’re drunk and we’re still open.

Zipcar: So convenient that you’ll ignore the high rates AND the dog hair.

Southwest Airlines: On your marks, get set, find a seat!

UHaul: We don’t guarantee availability because we can get away with it.

PopTarts: Until you realize how disgusting they are, we’ll keep making them.

Ben and Jerry’s: Whoah, dude, did you eat that whole thing?

Krispy Kreme: Less filling, just as fattening.

McDonalds: Always a good idea. Until afterwards.

Starbucks: Long lines, high prices and the best legal high available.

Very Slow Suicide


He might die waiting :)

A-Z Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes

  • 0-60 in 15 minutes!
  • 100% Irony Free
  • 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
  • 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
  • 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
  • 7 days with out Jesus makes one weak
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • A church alive is worth the surprise!!
  • A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
  • A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
  • A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
  • A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
  • A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
  • A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
  • Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
  • According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
  • According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
  • Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
  • Adults are just kids with money.
  • Age is a high price to pay for maturity
  • Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
  • Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
  • All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
  • All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
  • All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
  • All stressed out and nobody to choke!
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
  • AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
  • Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
  • ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
  • Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
  • Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
  • Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
  • Are you following Jesus this close?
  • As If
  • As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  • Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
  • Ask me about my vow of silence.
  • Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
  • Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
  • Ax Me About Ebonics
  • Baby on bored
  • Back the badge
  • Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
  • BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
  • BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
  • Be Human.
  • Be nice society already sucks.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
  • Be the kind of friend you'd want.
  • Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
  • Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
  • Beam me up Jesus.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  • BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
  • Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
  • Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
  • Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
  • Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
  • Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
  • Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
  • Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free
  • Bite Me!
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
  • Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
  • Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
  • Boldly Going Nowhere
  • BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
  • BooYah!
  • Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
  • Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.
  • Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
  • Boys Lie!
  • Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
  • But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass
  • Buy a gun support the constitution.
  • Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
  • Buy American!
  • Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
  • CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??
  • Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
  • Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
  • Cat: The Other White Meat
  • Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
  • CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
  • CAUTION! I drive like you do!
  • Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
  • Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
  • CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
  • Change a life; make someone feel important.
  • Change is good...you go first!
  • Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
  • Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
  • Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
  • Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
  • Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  • Clones are people 2
  • Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
  • Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
  • Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
  • Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
  • Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
  • Conserve water - Shower with a friend
  • Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  • Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
  • Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
  • D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
  • DANGER: I drive like you do!
  • DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
  • DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
  • Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
  • Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
  • Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  • Death is the consequence of being alive.
  • Deep down, divers care.
  • Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID
  • Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
  • Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
  • Did you check if your horn works?
  • Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
  • Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock
  • Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  • Disappointed? Too bad!
  • Divers get more tail.
  • Do I look like a freakin' People Person?
  • Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
  • Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
  • Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet.
  • Do unto others before they do unto you.
  • Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
  • Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
  • D'oh!
  • Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.
  • Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
  • Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
  • Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
  • Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
  • Don't believe everything you think.
  • Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
  • Don't delay, paint today
  • Don't Drink and Drive!
  • Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
  • Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
  • Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
  • Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
  • Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
  • Don't judge a book by its movie.
  • Don't laugh it's paid for.
  • Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.
  • Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
  • Don't make me go medieval on you.
  • Don't miss heaven for the world.
  • Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
  • Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
  • Don't start with me you won't win!
  • Don't steal, the government hates competition.
  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • Don't trust women.
  • Don't wish for it...work for it.
  • Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
  • DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
  • Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
  • Drop Dead
  • Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
  • Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
  • Dyslexics of the world, untie!
  • Dyslexics Untie!
  • E. coli Happens
  • Each day is a gift.
  • Eagles Don't Flock.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
  • Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
  • Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe
  • Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
  • Editing Is A Rewording Activity
  • Elvis has left the planet.
  • Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself
  • Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
  • Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
  • Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be
  • Eschew Obfuscation
  • Eschew Obfuscation
  • ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
  • Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Every silver lining has a cloud.
  • Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
  • Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
  • Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
  • Everything i need to know i learned in prison
  • Everything is possible just not too probable.
  • Everything Is Somewhere.
  • Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
  • EXIT
  • F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!
  • Faster than a speeding ticket.
  • Fat chicks make my car scrape!
  • Fat people are hard to kidnap.
  • Few women admit their age, few men act it.
  • Fight Socialism...Vote Republican
  • First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
  • Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
  • FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
  • FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
  • FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
  • FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
  • FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
  • FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
  • FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
  • FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!
  • Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
  • For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
  • For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  • Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  • Friends don't let friends drive naked!!
  • Friends don't let friends miss out on heaven.
  • Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
  • Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
  • Get over it!
  • Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.
  • GIMMIEABREAK!
  • Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker.
  • Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else
  • Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
  • Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
  • Go On, I will See You At The Next Light.
  • God Bless Our Troops.
  • God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
  • God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
  • God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many
  • God must love stupid people...he made so many!
  • God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
  • Got Brains?
  • Got Goth?
  • Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
  • Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
  • Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  • Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man
  • Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
  • Gun control is a steady hand.
  • Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
  • Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
  • Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
  • Hang up and drive!
  • Hang up and drive!
  • HANG-UP & DRIVE
  • Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!
  • Have a nice day... somewhere else.
  • Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
  • Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
  • Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
  • Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
  • HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE!
  • HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.
  • He who angers you, controls you!
  • He who farts in church sits on his own pew.
  • He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged
  • Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
  • Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
  • Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy
  • Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
  • HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER!
  • Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy!
  • Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
  • Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!
  • High beams were made to piss people off!
  • Hogwarts Dropout
  • HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
  • Honk If Anything Falls Off
  • Honk if I'm Jesus!
  • Honk if you are blond.
  • Honk if you hate noise pollution!
  • Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
  • Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  • Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.
  • HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)
  • Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Honk if you love Rush.
  • Honk If You Want To See My Finger
  • Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
  • Hope dies last!
  • Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
  • House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
  • Housework makes women ugly.
  • How about never? is never good for you?
  • How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
  • How may i ignore you today?
  • How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
  • huked on foniks werkd fer me
  • Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
  • I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I am not speeding I am qualifying.
  • I am overjoyed with whelm!
  • I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
  • I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
  • I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
  • I brake for no apparent reason.
  • I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
  • I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
  • I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
  • I can handle pain until it hurts.
  • I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
  • i can resist everything except temptation.
  • I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
  • I do work for food.
  • I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ
  • I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It
  • I don't decaf
  • I don't do mornings.
  • I don't do requests.
  • I DON'T DRINK IT DULLS THE DRUGS.
  • I don't drive fast I fly low.
  • I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
  • I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
  • I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
  • I don't repeat gossip.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
  • I drank what?
  • I Drive Like This To Piss You Off
  • I drive like this to piss you off!
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I fish! Therefore, I lie.
  • I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
  • I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
  • I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
  • I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
  • I hate bumper stickers!
  • I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
  • I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
  • I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
  • I have no desire for money. Its stuff that i want.
  • I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
  • I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
  • I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
  • I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
  • I just love nonverbal communication!
  • I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
  • I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
  • I know...I know...pull over
  • I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
  • I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
  • I left the womb for this?
  • I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
  • I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
  • I love animals - they taste great!
  • I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
  • I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
  • I love my country but fear my government.
  • I love my job...shoot me now!
  • I love uranus.
  • I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
  • I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
  • I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
  • I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
  • I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
  • I must hurry, for there they go and i am their leader.
  • I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
  • I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
  • I press charges
  • I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
  • I put in contacts for this?
  • I see dumb people.
  • I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
  • i souport publik edekasion
  • I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
  • I swerve for cats.
  • I talk to strangers
  • I Think Feminists Are Cute!
  • I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
  • I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
  • I think, therefore I'm dangerous
  • I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
  • I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
  • I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure
  • I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
  • I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
  • I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
  • I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
  • I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
  • I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
  • I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
  • I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
  • I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges
  • I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
  • I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
  • I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  • I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
  • I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
  • I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
  • I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
  • I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
  • I'd rather be a failure at something i love, than a success at something i hate.
  • I'd rather be fishing!
  • Idiots surround me!
  • If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
  • If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
  • If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
  • If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
  • If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  • If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
  • If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
  • If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
  • If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
  • If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
  • IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
  • If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
  • If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
  • If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
  • If life's an idiot then you must the god.
  • If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
  • If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
  • If something goes without saying - LET IT!
  • If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
  • If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
  • If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
  • If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
  • If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
  • If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
  • If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
  • If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
  • If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
  • If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
  • If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
  • If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
  • If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
  • If you can read this the bitch fell off.
  • If you can read this you are too close..
  • If you can read this you're in range.
  • If you can read this, I am parked.
  • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  • If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
  • If you can read this, roll me over.
  • If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
  • If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once...
  • If you can read this. thank a teacher.
  • If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
  • If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  • If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
  • If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
  • If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
  • iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
  • If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
  • If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
  • If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
  • If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
  • If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
  • If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
  • If you get any closer I'll fart!
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
  • If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
  • If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
  • If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
  • If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
  • If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
  • If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
  • If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!!
  • If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
  • If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
  • If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
  • If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
  • If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
  • I'll not stop
  • Illiterate? Write For Free Help
  • I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.
  • I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
  • I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  • I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
  • I'm back by popular demand.
  • I'm feeling uppity
  • I'm leaving my body to science fiction
  • I'm looking forward to regretting this!
  • I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
  • I'm not as dumb as you look.
  • I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
  • I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
  • I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
  • I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
  • Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
  • I'm not your monkey
  • I'm objective; I object to everything.
  • I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
  • I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
  • I'm only here to ANNOY!!
  • I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  • I'm serious; it was a joke.
  • I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
  • I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
  • I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
  • I'm with the band.
  • I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
  • Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
  • Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
  • In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
  • In theory, everything works.
  • Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
  • Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
  • Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
  • IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
  • It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
  • It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
  • It takes a Viking to raze a village.
  • It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
  • It took 40 years to make me look this good.
  • It’s been one of those days all week
  • It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
  • It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
  • It's a wonderful life.... With me.
  • It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
  • Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
  • Its always too early to quit.
  • It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • It's bad luck to be superstitious.
  • It's been Monday all week.
  • It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
  • Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
  • It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
  • It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
  • It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
  • I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
  • I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
  • I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
  • I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
  • I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
  • I've upped my standards, now up yours!
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
  • Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
  • Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
  • Jesus is coming... Look busy.
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
  • Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
  • Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
  • Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
  • Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
  • Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
  • Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
  • Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
  • Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
  • Keep honking, I am reloading!.
  • Kevorkian for Surgeon General
  • Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
  • Kiss me, i'm toxic
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.
  • Laughter, cries and all that is wise...
  • Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control!
  • Lets get along with me.
  • Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.
  • Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
  • Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.
  • Life is a terminal disease.
  • Life is just one of those things.
  • Life is like a straw it sucks.
  • Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe!
  • Life is too complicated in the morning.
  • Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
  • Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
  • Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies
  • Life. Its just a cereal
  • Life's a beach, and then you drown.
  • Life's a bitch, and then you die.
  • Life's a garden, dig it.
  • Life's expensive; drive defensive.
  • Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
  • Life's way too short to stay on topic
  • Listen to the silence!!
  • Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
  • Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
  • Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
  • Look before you open your eyes.
  • Look out! Behind you!
  • Lord, please save me from your followers.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Love for all, Hatred for none
  • Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
  • LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
  • Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice.
  • Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole
  • Mean people suck.
  • Men are idiots and i married their king.
  • Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
  • Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
  • Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
  • MEN. bigger. stronger. better.
  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  • Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
  • Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.
  • Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
  • Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
  • Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
  • More people I meet, more I like my dog....
  • Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive
  • Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30!
  • Musicians Duet Better
  • My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass!
  • My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark.
  • My child beat up your honor student!
  • My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
  • My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.
  • My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
  • My favorite color is chocolate.
  • My god can beat up your god
  • My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
  • My IQ came back negative!
  • My karma ran over your dogma.
  • My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
  • My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • My other auto is a 9MM.
  • My other car is a piece of shit.
  • My other car sticker is funny.
  • My other ride is your mom
  • My other toy has tits.
  • My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
  • My Reality Check Just Bounced
  • My son can kick your son's honor student butt.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
  • My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
  • My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.
  • National Atheist's Day April 1
  • Never cut what you can untie.
  • Never eat more than you can lift.
  • Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • No glove no love.
  • No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse.
  • No matter where you go; you're there.
  • No prohibiting allowed!
  • No Radio - Already Stolen!
  • No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway
  • No soup for you..
  • Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
  • Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
  • Non-Partisan. Non-Republican.
  • Not a RULES type of girl.
  • Not all who wander are lost.
  • Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
  • Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool
  • Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
  • Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.
  • Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?!
  • Nuke the Whales.
  • Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
  • Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think.
  • Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers
  • One more repo and I’ll be debt free!
  • Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
  • Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
  • Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
  • Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
  • Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
  • Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
  • Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading
  • Park in rear
  • Pay good teachers good money
  • People before profits!
  • People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
  • Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
  • Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
  • Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
  • Please! do not feed the ego!
  • Police line. DO NOT CROSS.
  • Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
  • Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • Proud mother of a delinquent child!
  • Pull my finger.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip.
  • Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  • Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art
  • Real Men Love Jesus!
  • Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.
  • Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  • Reality is a figment of your imagination.
  • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
  • RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW
  • Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.
  • Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later
  • Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Repetition is always better the second time.
  • S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
  • S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
  • S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
  • Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses
  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
  • Save a tree, eat a beaver.
  • Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
  • Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
  • Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!
  • Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
  • Say say NO thank you.
  • Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)
  • Screw you guys, I'm going home!
  • Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It
  • Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
  • Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
  • She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower
  • Sheesh!
  • Short Chicks rock!
  • Simplify
  • Sleep well Mum.
  • Slow thinkers keep right.
  • Smile and at nice.
  • Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.
  • Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.
  • Smile.........show off your teeth.
  • SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot!
  • so close to read it!
  • So many cats.... So little time.
  • So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
  • So you're a feminist - isn't that cute!
  • Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them.
  • Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them
  • Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
  • Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
  • Sorry, you are not a winner
  • Spank Me!
  • Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
  • Squirrel...it's what's for dinner.
  • sticker and watch the road!!!")
  • Stop global whining.
  • Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Study long study wrong.
  • Stupid is as stupid does.
  • Stupid should hurt!
  • Stupidity should be punished.
  • Stupify
  • Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.
  • Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
  • Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat.
  • Support a cause stop plate tectonics.
  • Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
  • Support publik edekasion
  • Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
  • Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways?
  • T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
  • Take me drunk I' m home.
  • Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
  • Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
  • Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
  • Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
  • Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
  • Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!
  • Thanks for being a contestant.
  • That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more.
  • The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?
  • The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • The Earth Is Full - Go Home
  • The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
  • The horn blows does the driver!
  • The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
  • The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
  • The meek will Internet the world.
  • The more I learn, the less I understand.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
  • The more you listen, the more you know.
  • The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
  • The princess is in.
  • The road to hell is paved with democrats!
  • The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
  • The Second Place Is The First Loser
  • The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.
  • The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
  • The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
  • The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
  • The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
  • There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
  • There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!!
  • There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.
  • There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
  • There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.
  • They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
  • They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
  • They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.
  • They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
  • THINK before you ACT.
  • This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
  • This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
  • This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker!
  • This is not an abandoned car.
  • This is the rebel base.
  • This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
  • This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
  • This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
  • This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
  • This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
  • Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
  • Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
  • Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
  • To all you virgins; thanks for nothing!
  • To be loved, be lovable
  • To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
  • To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.
  • To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group.
  • Today's subliminal message is: ( )
  • Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
  • Try it sober!
  • Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
  • Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
  • Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.
  • Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
  • Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.
  • visualize whirled peas
  • Vote BUSH/CHENEY
  • Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking.
  • Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
  • WARNING: mental backup in progress.
  • Was today really necessary?
  • WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • We are having EVER so much fun!
  • We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  • WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
  • Welcome to California. Now go home!
  • Welcome to reality...come again soon.
  • Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles
  • Well, isn't that special!
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?
  • What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
  • wHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND??
  • What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?
  • WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO!
  • What would Xena Do?
  • What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
  • What, are you stuck on stupid.
  • Whatever!
  • When all else fails, lower your standards.
  • When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  • WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.
  • When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
  • When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always.'
  • When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you.
  • When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
  • When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
  • When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
  • Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
  • Where is this porn?
  • Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.
  • Where there's a will there's a BEER!
  • Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • Which came first, the woman or the department store?
  • Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM?
  • Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • who needs this crap.
  • Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • Who's Your Daddy?
  • Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night?
  • Why are girls that way?
  • Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  • Why be normal?
  • Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
  • Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?
  • Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • WHY ME?
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
  • Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
  • Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
  • Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
  • YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
  • Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
  • Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.
  • Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.
  • You ain't seen nothin' yet...
  • You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot
  • You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
  • YOU ARE HERE!
  • You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
  • You are right where you belong, behind me!
  • You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
  • You can't be late until you show up.
  • You get all this and my dads loaded.
  • You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You
  • You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
  • You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
  • You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
  • You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker?
  • You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
  • YOU! Out of the gene pool.
  • You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me
  • Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole
  • Your honor student deals the best drugs.
  • Your lucky color has faded.
  • Your such a Muggle!
  • Your village called, their idiot is missing.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
  • You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
  • You're not the boss of me!

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