Tuesday, September 30, 2008
We should always encourage creativity and the spirit of innovation. But somehow I feel that these products won’t be too successful.
1. The water proof towel
2. Solar powered flash light
3. Sumberrine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedel powered wheel chair
10. Water proof tea bag
Monday, September 29, 2008
The British doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
Then the German doctor bragged, “That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work.”
When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Friday, September 26, 2008
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - Is some one who likes children. A royal baby sitter.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go some where you don’t like in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.via
- He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, "concentrate".
- He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
- He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
- He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
- He tries to drown a fish.
- He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
- At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", he puts "Sagittarius".
- He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
- He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
- He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", and he turned around and went home.
- He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
'We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. Also nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project.'
Team Leader to Project Manager:
'This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature.'
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
'This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more time than usual to complete it.'
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
'This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language, so they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution.'
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
'This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances.'
CEO to Client:
'This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.'
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
’Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
’One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
’A nickel,’ the barman replied.
’A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence."Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
- "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing under the bridge pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disneyland ‘
Barack said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my plane.’
The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.’
Barack said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!’
The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!’
Monday, September 22, 2008
Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.
The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.
Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?” The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
- I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list.
- Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
- You ever slept with a C-grade celebrity? Cause I was on Big Brother!
- Be unique and different, just say yes.
- The voices in my head told me to come talk to you.
- I’m not going to use some corny pick-up line on you because I can tell you are smarter than that.
- (Spill drink on girl) Now that you’re soaking wet, how about I take you home and get you out of those wet clothes?
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
- My face is leaving in 15 minutes ... be on it!
- My love for you is like diarrhoea ... I can’t hold it in.
- Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then allow me to introduce myself.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."
Monday, September 15, 2008
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
- If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transport - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”.
Jose says, …. “Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”
Jose says, “No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.”
Carlos says, “So what does your sign say?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign……
It reads, “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico….”
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