
"Chess boxing (Schachboxen) - the new sports in Germany. It consists of a few rounds of box and chess, the winner should win both in Chess and in Box. See more at wikipedia if u don't believe"
“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.
“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.
“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.
“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.
“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.
“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I can’t remember.”
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
” Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! “
What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A little boy went up to his father and asked : "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ?"
His father replied : ” Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. “
Jimmy’s teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : ” Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. “
The mother wrote back the next day : ” If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! “
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Just the Stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1.When you are sad — I will help you get drunk And plot revenge against the sorry bastard who Made you sad.
2.When you are blue — I will try to dislodge Whatever is choking you.
3.When you smile — I will know you are Plotting something that I must be involved in.
4.When you are scared — I will rag on you About it every chance I get.
5.When you are worried — I will tell you horrible Stories about how much Worse it could be until you Quit whining.
6.When you are confused — I will use little words.
7.When you are sick — Stay the hell away from Me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever You have.
8.When you fall — I will point and laugh at your Clumsy ass.
Remember: A friend will help you move.
A really Good friend will help you move a body.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he said, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.”
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.”
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?”
The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”
The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”
Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.
So she buys one….
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”
She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”
“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”
“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”
“Two cups of hot coffee and a Pepsi .”
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.”
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.
If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”
The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”
The deaf man replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband’ thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.