Laugh IT Out: April 2008

Chessboxing - Funny New Game

"Chess boxing (Schachboxen) - the new sports in Germany. It consists of a few rounds of box and chess, the winner should win both in Chess and in Box. See more at wikipedia if u don't believe"

What Job Ads Really Mean

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Funny Work Quotes

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
~Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
~Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
~Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
~Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
~Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
~Robert Paul
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
~ Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
~ Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
~Jerome K Jerome

Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I can’t remember.”

Birthday Present To A Husband

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Some Questions To Think About

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells
‘THEIRS’?

Some Classic Short Jokes

What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
” Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! “

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked : "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ?"
His father replied : ” Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. “

Jimmy’s teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : ” Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. “
The mother wrote back the next day : ” If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! “

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Hillary Clinton Also Have Sense Of Humor

Are you smarter than a four year old?

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don't know?

Primary school children all over the UK were shown this picture and asked the same question.

90% of them gave this answer:

"The bus is traveling to the right."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the right?"

They answered:

"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

Situations Where "OH SHIT" Is Considered Appropriate

BIBLE Stats - Does It Mean Anything ?

What Do Penguins Do In Their Free Time?

Adventure Sports In Antarctica.

Believe it or not, penguins also like to play free online games in their free time. They enjoy free online shooting games as well as free online sports games. You may find this hard to believe, but it's true!

GOD Like Playing Video Games Too - And He Is Not Perfect Yet

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BUSH Misplaced His Heart

Bush Using His Position To Market Underwear Brand

You know you're a grad student when...

you can identify universities by their internet domains.
you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
the concept of free time scares you.
you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
you appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
you can read course books and cook at the same time.
you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
you've ever worn out a library card.
you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
your office is better decorated than your apartment.
you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
you consider all papers to be works in progress.
professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication".
you have a favourite flavour of instant noodle.

New Car Seat Belt Design To Prevent Accidents

This is going to be next big thing.

Crash Landing

Birds Involved In A Street Scam

Now I have seen it all...

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

Best "Job Website" Add Ever

Somebody Is F****D

Some situations can make you walk on the water.

Photopraphy Just For The Sake Of It

Memories for the life time - Even if you can't recall which one is you

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

Funny Marriage Quote By Famous Peoples

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. Perhaps that's why my wife treats me like toxic waste. –David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. –Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they can't face each other, but they still stay together. –Hemant Joshi
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher. –Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things and then prevents us from achieving them. –Dumas
The great question which I have not been able to answer is: "What does a woman want?"
–Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. –Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. Twice a week we take the time to go to a restaurant; a little candlelight, dinner, soft music, dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
–Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. –Sam Kinison
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. –Oscar Wilde
There's one way of transferring funds that's even faster than electronic banking: marriage.
–James Holt McGavrac
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. –Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: whenever you're wrong, admit it; and whenever you're right, shut up. –Ogden Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. –Anonymous
You know what I did before I was married? Anything I wanted to. –Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. –Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. –Milton Berle
Marriage is the only battle where one sleeps with the enemy. –Anonymous

Even Birds Don't Give A Damn About SIGNS

May be the bird didn't see the sign.

Life Explained

That explains it all.

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“True” Friendship

Just the Stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1.When you are sad — I will help you get drunk And plot revenge against the sorry bastard who Made you sad.

2.When you are blue — I will try to dislodge Whatever is choking you.

3.When you smile — I will know you are Plotting something that I must be involved in.

4.When you are scared — I will rag on you About it every chance I get.

5.When you are worried — I will tell you horrible Stories about how much Worse it could be until you Quit whining.

6.When you are confused — I will use little words.

7.When you are sick — Stay the hell away from Me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever You have.

8.When you fall — I will point and laugh at your Clumsy ass.

Remember: A friend will help you move.

A really Good friend will help you move a body.

My Bike Is Down So what I Will Make It By Foot

Ouch -- that is going to hurt.

Custom Made Sweaters For Privacy

Ultimate Laptop Privacy

Stupidiest Courtroom Testimony

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Optimism vs Pessimism

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

Poor Obama Spent Everything On Election Campaign

Get him a new pair of shoes guys.

Funny Sign

Quite comforting to see this.

Chinese Democracy Notepad

Cops Don't Trust Anyone These Days

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There Is A Limit To Home Security

Is it to prevent someone from breaking in or GOING OUT

Never Ever Try To Tests Kids

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he said, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams to her brother “Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..”

Even A Genie Can't Help Blonde

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”

The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.”

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.”

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?”

The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”

Blonde Logic

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?”

The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”

Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.

So she buys one….

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”

She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”

“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”

“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”

“Two cups of hot coffee and a Pepsi .”

Apple Vs Microsoft Engineers

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

Really BAD Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .. I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you and I were squirrels, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
8) Man - ‘Fat Penguin!’ Woman - ‘WHAT?’ Man - ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’
9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench… every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Boycott Beijing - Well Think Again

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Mottos To Work By

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Why Are Politicians Given Priority Medical Treatment?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "no, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "you know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."

Discrimination Against Women

I strongly object to this discrimination , even though it for pedestrian safety :)

Why is English so Difficult to Understand

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!!

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Types of Girls From An Eye Of Geek

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Birds Also Have Good Sense Of Humor

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Don't Try To Sell Anything To A Broke Old Lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘

‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.’

DRUGS - FROM USERS POINT OF VIEW

Statutory Warning: Taking drugs is lethal for you body, health and family.

A Very Emotional Chicken Story

Employee of the month

Good replies to bad pick-up lines…

Man : “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman : “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man : “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman : “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man : “Is this seat empty?”
Woman : “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man : “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman : “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man : “Your place or mine?”
Woman : “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man : “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman : “It’s in the phone book.”

Man : “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman : “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man : “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman : “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man : “What sign were you born under?”
Woman : “No Parking.”

Man : “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman : “Do not Enter”

Man : “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman : “Unfertilized”

Man : “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman : “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man : “I’m here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman : “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man : “I know how to please a Woman :.”
Woman : “Then please leave me alone.”

Man : “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman : “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man : “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman : “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man : “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy
Woman : “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man : “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman : “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

Man : “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman : “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man : “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman : “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man : “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman : “Yes, but would you stay there?

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

* Oops!

* Has anyone seen my watch?

* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.

* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?

* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

* Come back with that! Bad Dog!

* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingies

* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

* Damn, there go the lights again...

* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

* Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!

* What do you mean, he's not insured?

* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

* Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"

* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?

* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.

* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?

* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies

1.I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.

Mafia Job - Its All About Money

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.”

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Always Remember - Fairies Are Female

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband’ thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Kids Are Quite Good With Maths.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don’t know my father.

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