"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"
There is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a woman organisation called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
One particular four-year-old prayed:
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
I sent the email to 10 people like you said ..
I’m still waiting for that miracle to happen .
promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?
Tags: Office Jokes
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was to appear.
A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,
“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”
The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”
He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:
“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”
Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.
….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says,
- If you could double your money every year for 20 years in a row (highly unlikely), just one dollar would turn into more than one million. ($1,048,576)
- More realistically, if you invested your money at 8% from age 25 to age 65, just $3,900 per year would turn into more than one million ($1,010,320). That means it only takes about $325 a month to become a millionaire.
- It is illegal to put coins in your ears in Hawaii.
- If you drive 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket, you are more likely to die in a car accident than to win the lottery.
- If you leave an unpaid balance on a credit card charging 18% interest, the amount you owe will double in just four years and three months.
- People leave bigger tips at restaurants on sunny days than on cloudy days.
- Starting in 2006, it cost the United State Mint more than one cent to produce each penny and more than five cents to produce each nickel, due to rising commodity prices.
- Why are the portraits on coins almost always profile (sideways) views, while paper money is almost always frontal views? Profiles are easier to stamp into coins. Since the coin surface is actually a 3D portrait, there isn’t enough room to add the nose onto the coin in a frontal portrait.
Tags: Funny Facts
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
What I Want in a Man (age 21)
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man (age 43)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 54)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 65)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man (age 76)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Posted April 28, 2008 6:00 PM
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads…
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look short”.
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker”
“Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition? ”
“That’s the one.”
“Darn! That’s such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well…what did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat.”
“Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?”
“Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?”
“Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.”
“What the…..!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???”
“For the funeral.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!”
“Your mother’s! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her.”
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I’m gone.
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together.
Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a ‘good man’ is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It’s just too bad it doesn’t work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was “You look just like a girl”,,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99…
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’,,,was born Carl.
I hope that’s not a problem for you.
If a barber makes a mistake,
It’s a NEW STYLE…
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a NEW PATH…
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a NEW VENTURE…
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a NEW GENRATION …
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a NEW LAW…
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a INVENTION…
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a NEW FASHION…
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a NEW THEORY…
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a New idea…
But…. But…. But…
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a BLUNDER!!!
Tags: Office Jokes
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
We all know this one
One day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints Because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands".
Now know this one too!!!
Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"
Tags: Software Engineer
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates..
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover....
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness......
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling all the dolls...”
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE" . However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable? "
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high. "Like the sign says, it's unbreakable! " To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case.
He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the schmuck who pays $100,000 for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"
HE :Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Tags: Funny Questions
If you feel being tortured by telemarketers try following tips the next time they call.
- Ask them if they've got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you're not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
Tags: funny lists
In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
- This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
- We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
- Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
- Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
- This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
- Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
- Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
- Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?
- We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.
Tags: funny lists
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied,” Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “ I don’t know.. I thought you were watching.”
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men.
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into their wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?" "Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. " "By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’
Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two o f you should have little ones of your own?’
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captai...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it? Answer Coffin Ther...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...