CEO was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
Your wife called, she wants her sign back!
CEO was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:
1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)
2) It's The Gambling, Stupid
3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home
4) Where Luck Goes to Die
5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong
6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.
"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76..39 percent.
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
- I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)
- My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
- Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)
- It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)
- Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)
- You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )
- I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle)
- A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )
- To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )
- Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )
- I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )
- If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
- Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)
- You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
Tags: study jokes
The Old Rancher, The banker saw his old friend Tom, an old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,‘She’ll be thirty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man.Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
‘And how’s the hired hand?’Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.
‘Don’t ever underestimate old Guys!
Tags: old people
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle, he just gave me a longer walking stick."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.
It was well past 10 when he remembered. "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, my Führer. I am the one who sneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Bless you."
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!' We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, “Do these chickens get any bigger?” He replied, “No, they’re dead.”
Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the policeman said. The lad replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Snappy Answer #
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-@rse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s3xual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Tags: funny answers
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."
"It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
‘You can have mine.’
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say—talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get out."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin...
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair... kill her!!
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don' have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Then it was the woman's turn...
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping
the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy.Don't mess with them.
Tags: funny morals
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.
“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”
“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”
“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”
“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill to get an ounce?”
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
- It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
- It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
- It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
- It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
- It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
- It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
- It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
- It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
- It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress. ”
He did this carefully.
“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”
He silently obeyed her.
“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties. ”
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
“I’ll give you a lift.”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”
- IF YOU’RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
- AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
- FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
- A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
- IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
Kosta (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Kosta: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’
Next Kosta approaches Bill Gates.
Kosta: ‘I have a husband for your daughter....’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Kosta: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
Finally Kosta goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Kosta: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Kosta: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
And that my friends is how Greeks do business.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well . night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
- The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died.
Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough?’
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do — the water is only up to my chest.’
So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’ Betty inquires.
‘Yes, it finally is! Hand me the shovel.
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Tags: naghty jokes
There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy). Vishy goes out fishing each morning, casts his net and gathers his catch and sells them in the market and makes a living out of it.
On one occasion he gets up too early and sleep eludes him. So he decides to go fishing any way it's too dark to go fishing so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear he stumbles upon a sack.
This sack is a bit heavy and there were some pebbles in it Now, when u have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill, the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river Vishy did just the same He tried all the things we do Throwing it as far as possible, as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible.....
Now with just one stone remaining, the sun rose the stone in his hand began to glow as well damn! The stone was a diamond!!!! That's when he realized that all those pebbles he had thrown away were actually Precious Stones!!!
Moral Of The Story Is
Tags: funny morals
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, Mousse, Something…?”
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, You still could have written!”
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”
“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school. But, I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.
In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'
He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'
Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from???
The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him where he isgoing;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave without any notice. When he returned his PL asked for explanation. The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The PL let it go at that.
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his father died.
Then the PL got changed. After 3 months the same pattern repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died. After 3 months same thing again... and this time his father died.
This happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, one PL checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five times?"
To which the guy said,
"Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."
Tags: Office Jokes
When I take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is co-operating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets
Tags: Office Jokes
One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym
with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
"If I catch you, you're mine."
The best relation ever is between two eyes,
"they blink together, move together, cry together, see together and sleep together".
STILL they never see directly each other.
But when they see a girl, one will blink and another will not.
Moral of the story: Girl can break any kind of relationships....
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"
Tags: drunk jokes
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"
She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Got a boring road trip somewhere in the near future? Tired of the same old monotonous drive every morning to work or school? How about bringing some excitement, not only to your drive - but to others! Here are some fun things to do while driving, in case you get bored…
- At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
- Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
- Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
- Throw Spam. You know… the stuff in the can.
- Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw the Spam at them.
- Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
- Laugh a lot. A whole lot. Hysterically. Borderline asphyxia.
- Eat food that requires silverware. Eat it elegantly.
- Pass cars, then slow down. If they pass you, pass them back. Repeat.
- Sing without having the radio on. Make sure you’re into it.
- Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
- Honk frequently without motivation. Totally random. It’s fun. Promise.
- Wave at people often. If they wave back, get angry and make an obscene jesture.
- Let pedestrians know who’s boss. But do it in a non-going-to-jail kinda way.
- Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. Someone’s after you!
- Restart your car at every stop light. You can’t help if it stalls right?
- Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. Caress them. You love them. They love you.
- Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. Act like you do it every day. You’re not littering if they aren’t.
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listene...
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After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in...
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...