Online Dating


Going on an Online-date

Cockroaches Are Getting Cancer

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned…

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

”I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’

‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

’I cannot say.’

’Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

’I'll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

’Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frust ration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.

via

Wealth,Wisdom Or Beauty - What Would You Choose

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

Important Meeting ? So What ?

That game is a legend

New American Superhero

Piracy Is Not Theft

When You Invite Trouble - Its Easy To Accept

Spotting A Golf Lover - None Of Them Is Here


At least they love golfers :)

Never Threat A Jew

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Life Is All About Choosing The Right Options

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I could have been a freeman today!"

Love Has No Age

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say yes or did she say no?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

Cars Not Allowed On Road -Please Use The River


Hmm time to get my car modified.

She's Cured

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

Stories With Moral

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

RAP Music Can Turn You Idiot


That makes me an idiot :)

236 Things to Do When You’re Bored

1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad’s new car.
3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
4. Repeat above until failure.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
8. Braid your dogs hair.
9. Clean and polish your belly button.
10. Water your dog…see if he grows.
11. Wash a tree.
12. Knight yourself and some close friends.
13. Found the Jim Jones’ School of Modern Bartending.
14. Flirt with an evergreen.
15. Scare Steven King.
16. Give your cat a mohawk.
17. Purr.
18. Mow your carpet.
19. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
20. Whine.

read full story here

Bad Dog


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F.B.I - Working When You Are Sleeping


And sleeping when you are working ..

Beginning Of A New Underdog Story


$1 Million for guessing the underdog :)

Jesus And The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: ‘Jesus is watching you.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep,’ the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you
that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?’

‘The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus’.

Not So Smart Lawyer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says: ” License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says: “What for?”

Glasgow cop says: “You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”


Glasgow cop says: “You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says: “The difference is, you ave to come to complete stop, that’s the law, License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Glasgow cop says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,

“Do you want me to stop, or just slow doon?”

Don't Drink & Drive - You May Spill


Hmm this is interesting :)

Forget Spare Tyre - I Keep Spare Car


Nice idea.

Women : We Don't Need Any Help

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Look Who's Here For Lunch

People Become Real Jerk When Drunk

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."

The second guy says "No Way!"

So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.

The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."

All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."

All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.

The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."

Cigarette Smoking Is Injurious To Health


Some people just don't listen

Don't Get Distracted At Work

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.'

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling 'Momma needs a new pair of pants!'

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers: 'YES!
I WIN! I WIN!'

With that she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one o f them asks, 'What did she roll anyway?'

The other one answers, 'I thought YOU were watching!'

Famous Wife Quotes

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There was water in the carburetor'. I asked her,'Where's the car?'She replied, 'In the lake.'
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'
The husband replied,'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' The father replied, 'I don't know son, I' m still paying.'
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted.'

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same:'You can have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, 'I made my husband a millionaire.'

'And what was he before you married him?' asked the friend. 'A billionaire.' she replied.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,'Dad! I've found a woman just like mother' His father replied,'So what do you want? sympathy?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
----------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
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First guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Looking For Inspiration From Burglar

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

For Those Who Love Kids

So damn cute

Where There's Will There's Way

Where There's Will There's Way : Talk about dedication.

Arrested For Laughing!

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick’.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

The case was dismissed!

Never Take Your Husband For Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission Impossible' theme ..

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Don't Waste Your Cigarette Butts


Talk about recycling .. this is going too far :)

Weird News Italian Style

I stopped following mainstream news about 18 months ago because I simply go sick-and-tired of the same old stuff every day. Rape, murder and corruption began to depress me. These days the only news I follow is news of the weird. The crazy news stories really get my spirits up and I find myself laughing out loud quite often.

Here is an example of odd news that makes me smile:

Italy is awash in weird laws;

-Public displays of affection while in a car will fetch a fine of up to 500 euros ($745) in Eboli.

-A 50 euros fine for lying down in a park in the northern city of Vicenza to read a book.

-Building of sandcastles is forbidden on the Eraclea sea coast near Venice.

Those Italians sure are wacky!

Why UN Fail To Come To Any Resolution?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Secrets To A Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"Well, honey, I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "Five packs of cigarettes!!!"

"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-eight," he said.

This Kid Has Attitude Problem


To hell with you

Die Hard Smoker

Bad Time For A Flat Tire

via

Formal Apology


Hmmm ... I might have to give another thought to see if really want to apologize

Psychiatrist Job


Well I will still rate lawyers higher :)

Season Pass At College

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

50% Off - Great Ad


Cool ad

Not Giving Up Without A Fight

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

Anything For A Good Cause

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Too Much Safety


why take a chance

Portable Potty - Ideal For Travelers


Ideal thing to have if you are traveling, specially if you are going to forests.

Beijing Olympics 2008 - Kids Are Loving It

Hair style in fashion these days

Money Worth Spending

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Cheap Husband

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror

How Not to Rob a Bank

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don’t want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don’t try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They’re tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

BTW, My sister went to college in this town.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON’T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh… on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit….and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.

DON’T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

via

Who Say You Can't Help If Your Are Not Close

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

Source

Anything For KFC

Alcohol - The Cause And Solution


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Head Lamp


via

Dog's Funeral

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t yatell me the dog was Catholic?

Adam And Eve - Old Classic

Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, "sure your my son and I love you, you can ask me anything."

So Adam asked, "God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away... Why God, did you make eve so beautiful?" God replied, "my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her", Adam replied "well, it worked, but I have another question... I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful that my heart almost stops... God, why did you make her that way?"

God replied "well, Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her..."

"well", Adam replied, "it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid?"

God replied "my son, that is easy I made her that way so she would love you."

Someone Please Teach That Cat To Read

This Is Why Sleeping At Work Is Dangerous


Some one please wake him up....

A Good Wife Can Bring Balance Into Your Life

WORK Virus - Stop It Before It Spreads

There is a new virus. The code name is “WORK.” If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Rinse and repeat.

I Guess They Are Seeing Each Other

Obvious Couple

British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

GI Insurance Salesman

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Height Of Loneliness

6 Truths Of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue..

2. All idiots, after reading the first ‘truth’, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you’re an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

My work here is done...........

"ID Ten T" Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’Eric grinned.... ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’’No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric

Naughty Toilet Sign

I Can Be A Actor Too


Who looks better ?

Nice Book

Honest Teacher

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…”

He returns her gaze, “Anything?”

“Anything.” She says

His voice softens, “Anything?”

“Anything,” she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

Matchmaking Service

Deadly E-Mail Error

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

FAQ About Blonde

Q: What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?

A: A wind tunnel.

____________________________________________
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

____________________________________________
Q: When is a blonde going to say something smart?

A: When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me...

____________________________________________
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

____________________________________________
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

____________________________________________
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

____________________________________________
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

The Service In This Place Stinks

In 1897 Nothing Happened Here


I think its true.

20 Unspoken Rules to Live By

1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.

3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.


6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.

7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.

8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t mumble. And don’t swing the stick.

9. The man who can’t dance, can’t converse, and can’t provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can’t cook, can’t clean, and badly wants a drink.

10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.

11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.

12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.

13. Telling a woman, “You’re a great person,” is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don’t love her.

14. Trying to “teach someone a lesson” never works.

15. Easy on the mayo!

16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.

17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.

18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you’re expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you’ll become a person who probably can’t be trusted.

19. Do not bring lunch to work.

20. Rainbows are God’s way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.

via menshealth


Funny Annoucements Made by Flight Crew

Apparently real-life announcements made by witty and humorous flight crew to liven up the situations in flight. Too bad I never came across any of them. Anyone encountered one?

  1. A flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
    “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
  2. Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:
    “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
  3. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  4. “We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”
  5. “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”
  6. “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside”
  7. “Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
  8. “Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
  9. “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”
  10. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

Think Some One Is Missing

Underpaid Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the rep.

‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’

‘That’s the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,’ says the agent.

‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer.

You Know You're Out Of College When

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

SeeSaw - Everyone Enjoys It

Women Are Always Wrong

Funny Video Of The Day

Boss Is Like A Diaper

BOMB Technician - Keep Up With Him


--- Ya if I see you running .... believe me you won't see me :)

Men Will Be Men

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'"

The men would ask, "'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

Smart Persistent Duck

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

F1 Racing For Retired

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