An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore,all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Tags: marriage jokes
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, 'Blame the government for everything'.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, 'Prepare 4 new envelopes'
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Three monks decided to practice meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration.
Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'Like' with her but after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, Ed said to his newfound lady friend, 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker'
'I see', Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought....
Then he continued, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
This couple had been married 35 years, and every Sunday the husband would go golfing with his friends. He NEVER missed a day.
This Sunday, however, as he is getting ready to go his wife says, "No, you can't go golfing today. I want you to stay around the house, maybe help me weed."
He did the only logical thing: He pulled out his 7-iron and beat her to death with it. Then, being a good citizen, he called the cops. The chief of the cops asked the husband what happened.
The man tells the cop ther whole story. "And when she said I couldn't go golfing I freaked out. I took my 7-iron and hit her over the head with it until she died."
The cop says, "I understand. But I need to ask for my report: How many times did you hit her?"
The man answers, "Nine times, but tell the guys it was only four."
I don’t care who you are, you’ve got to like Ellen Degeneres. She’s an 11 time Emmy winner, she’s gay, but most importantly she’s funny as hell. Ellen always seems to have something funny or relevant to say. Speaking of things she says, we’ve put together some of the wittier things she’s said in the past.
- “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
- “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
- “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
- “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”
- “I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”
- “I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.”
- “I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”
- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
- “The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.”
- “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
- “Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.”
- “Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.”
- “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
English (Great Britain; certain parts of U.S.)
"I Love You"
" Te Amo"
"lch Liebe Dich"
"Ai Shite Imasu"
"Wo Ai Ni"
& parts of Florida
"Nice Ass. Get in the truck."
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took half of everything we owned.I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with BIG TITS.
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
TRY SAYING:She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She’s a f___ing bit__.
TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
INSTEAD OF:You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It’s not my f___ing problem.
TRY SAYING:That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won’t work.
TRY SAYING:I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He’s got his head up his a__.
TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This f___ing job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He’s a pr_ck.
Got dragged to go shopping with your spouse? Some wonderfully creative things to do when you become utterly bored:
- Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they are not looking.
- Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
- Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, “Code 3? in housewares….. and watch what happened.
- Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay-by.
- Move a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- Set up a tent in the camping department and tell shoppers that you would invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
- Looked right into the security camera; useit as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.
- While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
- Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
- In the auto department, practice the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
- Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
- When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!
- Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. “My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
Finally the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost? I’m trying to take a dump!”
- Roses R Red Violets R Blue
Monkeys Like you Shud Be kept In the Zoo
Dont feel Angry U Will Find Me There Too
Not In a cage But Laughing At you
- If I ever go for a brain transplant I’d like 2 use ur brain. It's not because u r a genius. I would only like a brain that has never been used.
- Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright. Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT!
- I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. That's because Dad says "Love Animals"!
- May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful!
- Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
- I'd climb the highest mountain. I'd swim the ocean blue. I'd do anything at all my dear - Just to get away from you.
- Remember me and bare in mind A faithful girl is hard to find This is always good and true So dont go changing old for new!
- I'm not as dumb as you look.
- If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
Tags: Funny SMS
Here are some potential new company policies for you all to consider...
- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- Never quit until you have another job.
- Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
- Go the extra mile -- It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
- Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
- There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Tags: drunk jokes
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your friends are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Tags: drunk jokes
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
- Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
- Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
- Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
- The only perfect science is hindsight.
- A procrastinator's work is never done.
- My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
- Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
- A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
- I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
- AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
- If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
- I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
- Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision.
As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathily: “We shouldn’t have survived that. Maybe it’s a sign from God that we’re meant to be together!”
The man stammers back, “Oh yes, I agree completely!”
“And look,” she continues. “Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It’s another sign. Let’s drink to our love!”
“Well, OK!’ says the man. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back.
“Your turn,” he says.
“No, thanks,” says the woman, “I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that grammar bloopers can be highly entertaining.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
- Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it's set up with.
- Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
- Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
- If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
- Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
- Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
- Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
- Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
- Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
- When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Tags: naghty jokes
- He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
- He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
- Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
- You caught him driving a stolen car with "The Club" still on.
- He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
- He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of "Yo'momma" oneliners.
- He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.
- He claims diplomatic immunity because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
- He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
- He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang. 3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. 6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver. 7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot. 8. Stop at the green lights. 9. Go at the red ones. 10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. 11. Eat food that requires silverware. 12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive. 13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors. 14. Honk frequently without motivation. 15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture. 16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon. 17. Let pedestrians know who's boss. 18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. 19. Restart your car at every stop light. 20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. 21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. 22. Keep at least five cats in the car. 23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop. 24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass! 25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse. 26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. 27. Stop and collect roadkill. 28. Stop and pray for roadkill. 29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.) 30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse. 31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. 32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!" 34. Sing without having the radio on. 35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...