An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special chocolate cake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
- Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
- Children will soon forget your presents, they will always remember your presence.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- They say kids brighten the home. That’s because they never turn the damn lights off.
- Give your children two things. One is roots, the other, wings.
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.
- There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
- The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
- You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
- Anyone who says ‘Easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried it.
- Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
- The best gift parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Tags: funny lists
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."
It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off arsehole
5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
7. Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem.
8. Try Saying: That’s interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?
9. Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No fucking chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his fucking arse.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, fuck face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish.
Must have own boat with motor.
Please send photograph of motorboat.
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.
Wife wanted for company.
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai,
Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho jaayeh,
Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka............... joh kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon .........
Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
Tags: old people
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u ?' (Instead of 'How r u?'. )
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha....'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Tags: Software Engineer
A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?"
The Judge said that was accurate.
"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked.
The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.
The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
Its hard to believe that Christmas is around the corner yet again . I am eagerly looking forward to start shopping for lots of Christmas gifts and wearing that Santa Suit .
Couple of days back we were looking for Santa Suits for holidays and for giving away presents for Christmas , we found lots and lots of option for Santa Suits at BuyCostumes.com . This site allows you to choose from over 30 Santa Suits listed there and all are available at great prices with reasonable discounts. These suits are available in all sizes and many varieties , all while offering high-quality, comfortable materials and construction.From traditional Santa Claus suits that feature hoods and flowing robes, to fun and fashionable Santa suits for adults, to adorable Santa suits for kids, BuyCostumes.com is your one-stop shop for Santa suits and Christmas costumes.
One thing that I liked most about these Santa Suits is that they are available in plus sizes, upto 3x sizes, this help to stuff all those pillows, basketballs, flour sacks or similar stuff for fattening up a guy to that Santa shape , after all there is fun in being a skinny Santa.
Looking forward to holiday season. Happy holidays.
Tags: santa clause
1. Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month
2. Developer is a person who thinks it will take four and a half months to deliver a baby
3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month
4. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby
5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available
6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'l l produce a child with zero resources
7. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months
8. The User Interface Team will design a baby with three arms and one leg and ask if it can be done
9. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the process to produce a baby
10. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby
Tags: Software Engineer
A man goes on a two month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat, to whom he’s very attached, with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: She's Dead
Brother 1: OMG she's dead? What do you mean she's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken it to me a little more gently. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, well, we found her but she got up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I called you from the airport you could have told me the fire department was there with a net and scared her off the roof but she missed the net and unfortunately died instantly when she hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: Well, Mom got up on the roof…
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Tags: computer jokes
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, ‘I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. ‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.’ Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this,’ She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay,’ he says, ‘they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.’
- Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapeños — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
- I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier !
- You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
- Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
- Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don’t be irreplaceable - if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
- The more Sh*t you put up with, the more Sh*t you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- So this isn’t Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
- What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
- How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It’s the one with bite marks on the cap!
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service."
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... ...and then I paint the target around it."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask, what did the turkey do?"
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"
Tags: drunk jokes
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid was hiding under the bed. I Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can`t figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it`s a tiger."
The friend figures he`s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I`m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I`d advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!
A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to ‘Mom’ With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion… Mom she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son Paul
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Dustin’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.
Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Says: "This should be taken care of right away." Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..." Says: "We'll see." Says: "Let me check your medical history." Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." Says: "Hmmmmmmmm." Says: "We have some good news and some bad news." Says: "Let's see how it develops." Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests." Says: "How are we today?" Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound." Says: "This may smart a little." Says: "This should fix you up." Says: "Everything seems to be normal." Says: "I'd like to run some more tests." Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."
Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Says: "We'll see."
Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Says: "How are we today?"
Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Says: "This may smart a little."
Says: "This should fix you up."
Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."
Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People ‘ words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend. ‘I went to visit my Nana’. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’. She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? ‘I read a book’ he replied. ‘That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’ I love this….. Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said…… ‘Winnie the SHIT.’
A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.
“Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, “Hello Jason”.
President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said ” Hello Jason.”
The little man says “F**k off, Barrack! I’m in a meeting!” and keeps walking.
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
I heard a noise - I noticed you were almost asleep
You Want - You Want
We Need - I Want
It's your decision - The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want - You'll pay for this later
We need to talk - I need to complain
Sure...go ahead - I don't want you to
You're certainly attentive tonight - Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! - I'm not having a period
Hang the picture there - No, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? - I'm going to ask for something expensive
I'll be ready in a minute - Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
You have to learn to communicate - Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? - Too late, your a goner
I'm sorry - You'll be sorry.
No - Yes
Maybe - No
Do you like this recipe? - It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling! - Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
This kitchen is so inconvenient - I want a new house...and curtains and carpeting, furniture...
- I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on.
- I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times
- I drink to make other people interesting
- I have a picture of u, I think its very nice, I put it under my bed... 2 scare away the mice!
- I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it
- I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it!
- English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
- Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!
- Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass
- Fat people are harder to kidnap
- First law of science: don't spit into the wind
- Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
- Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong buttons you'll be disconnected
- God bless Atheism
- God created man first because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece!
- Good Girls are Bad girls that don't get caught
- Hate: A special kind of love given to people who suck
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- You don't happen to have any beer in your car do ya?
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
- So, uh, you on the take, or what?
- Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
- So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Aren't you the guy from the village people?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
- Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
Tags: funny lists
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman ???,???? If you don't, you are not a man ???,???? If you praise her, she thinks you are lying ???,???? If you don't, you are good for nothing ???,???? If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing ???,????? If you don't, you are not understanding ???,???? If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man' ???,???? If you don't you are half a man ???,???? If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring ???,???? If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing ???,???? If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy ???,???? If you don't, you are a dull boy ???,???? If you are jealous, she says it's bad ???,???? If you don't , she thinks you do not love her ???,???? If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her ???,???? If you don't, she thinks you do not like her ???,???? If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait ???,???? If she is late, she says that's a girl's way ???,???? If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel ???,???? If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls' ???,???? If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold ???,???? If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage ???,???? If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics ????,????? If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics ????,????? If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting ????,????? If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring ????, ????? If you talk, she wants you to listen ????,???? If you listen, she wants you to talk ????,????? Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN' ???!?????????? So simple, yet so complex ???? So weak, yet so powerful ???? So confusing, yet so desirable ?????,????? "O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN" ???!????????
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman ???,????
If you don't, you are not a man ???,????
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying ???,????
If you don't, you are good for nothing ???,????
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing ???,?????
If you don't, you are not understanding ???,????
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man' ???,????
If you don't you are half a man ???,????
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring ???,????
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing ???,????
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy ???,????
If you don't, you are a dull boy ???,????
If you are jealous, she says it's bad ???,????
If you don't , she thinks you do not love her ???,????
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her ???,????
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her ???,????
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait ???,????
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way ???,????
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel ???,????
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls' ???,????
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold ???,????
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage ???,????
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics ????,?????
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics ????,?????
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting ????,?????
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring ????, ?????
If you talk, she wants you to listen ????,????
If you listen, she wants you to talk ????,?????
Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN' ???!??????????
So simple, yet so complex ????
So weak, yet so powerful ????
So confusing, yet so desirable ?????,?????
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN" ???!????????
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care Department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator: ‘Went away?’
Caller: ‘They disappeared’
Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller: ‘How do I tell?’
Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen??’
Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller: ‘I don’t know.’
Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that??’
Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is??’
Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle—it’s because it’s dark.’
Caller: ‘Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.’
Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller: ‘I can‘t.’
Operator: ‘No? Why not??’
Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator: ‘A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??’
Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!!!’
HELLO OPERATOR Actual call center conversations!
Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?’
Operator: ‘Does the product name give you a clue?’
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label—Woven in Scotland.’
Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left-hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’
Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’
Tags: funny conversation
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex. 2. It is more important to have good health insuranc...
Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive. Bi...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...