A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
Question: Will the Microsoft vs. the Government, et al., thing affect the release of Next Windows 2009?
Answer: No. Microsoft is perfectly capable of slipping schedules without the help of the Justice Department.
Question: Will it actually come out in 2009
Answer: Yes, it pretty much has to. Like Windows 95/90/2000, however, they'll just start selling a buggy beta version and call that the release.
Question: When will that happen?
Question: When will I be able to buy a stable version?
Answer: You won't. You will have to buy a new PC to get the newest version. Think of it as trading in your car when the ash tray gets full.
Question: Is it true that the million dollar a day fine is "pocket change" for Microsoft?
Answer: No. Even Bill Gates doesn't carry that much cash in his pocket. It is, instead, being paid out of Petty Cash.
Question: Is it true that the Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Windows operating system and cannot be removed?
Answer: Yes, but only because Microsoft has disabled the "delete" key on your keyboard, as well as the "Recycle Bin".
Question: Windows is looking more like Macintosh every day. Why doesn't Apple Computer do something about it?
Answer: They did: they became a subsidiary of Microsoft.
Question: The Intel-based, Microsoft operating system-run PC has been a mass consumer product for more than 15 years now. When will I be able to do some work on my computer without it crashing, getting fatal errors, and seeing periodically corrupted registries?
Answer: As soon as you remove two things from your computer: the Intel processor and the Microsoft operating system.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point.
1. I want to gain weight -- at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit -- maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home -- I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.
Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"
A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! "That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
- Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn’t he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
1. Your family only visits you twice a year.
2. You live for months in a 10×10 room with someone you barely know who you fear might kill you while you sleep.
3. You always talk about what life will be like once you’re out.
4. You get excited when the cafeteria serves you something resembling real food.
5. You take classes that are completely useless to you in the real world.
6. Everyone around you is an amateur philosopher or poet (or coke dealer).
7. You’re looked at as a scourge on the community.
8. You only go outside for an hour a day.
9. Riots are a usual occurrence.
10. You try to make friends that can help you ‘on the outside’.
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government."
"So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
So Why do men die first? Because they want to.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: - Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' asks the robber?
There is a few moments of silence, when one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The woman jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what in the hell have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it........!
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, drive alongside them and signal frantically to them that they had accidentally turned on their signal lights. This is to prevent confusing other LA drivers who have never seen those lights before.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…
But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
BMW - Big Money Waste
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
DODGE - Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It Again Tomorrow
FORD - Found On Road Dead
GM - Grinding Metal
GMC - Gotta Mechanic Coming
HONDA - Hold On, Not Done Accelerating
JEEP - Just Enough Engine Power
KIA - Killed In Action
MAZDA - Made At Zoo by Demented Apes
MG - Mostly Garaged
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday
PINTO - Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants
PLYMOUTH - Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood
PONTIAC - Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It's A Cadillac
PORSCHE - Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive
SUBARU - Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath
TOYOTA - The One You Ought To Avoid
VW - Virtually Worthless
A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.
When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Little Brian was staying with his grandmother for the school holidays. He had been playing outside with the local children and then returned to the house.
He asked, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was rather startled at the question, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Brian just said, “Oh, OK, thank you Grandma” and went back outside to play with the other kids again.
Ten minutes later he came back in crying and said, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Tommy’s Mum wants to talk to you!”
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the weather man Responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied.
"It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting
wood like Crazy."
A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”
The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”
Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”
After a few minutes, the blond, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have ?
Customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.’
‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’
He lost 63 pounds that week
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital."How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing,"he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
What language does Santa Claus speak?
Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.
What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
What is Santa Claus’ favorite cereal?
What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents?
Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.
What would Santa’s grandfather be called?
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.
How many chimneys does Santa go down?
When Santa has a barn dance, what does he call it?
A Ho, Ho, Ho Down
One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”
She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.”
Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”
“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.
“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.
Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”
A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.
I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.
However, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.
Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.
“Hey mate,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push please?”
“You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
“That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help? What would have happened if they had refused us?”
“OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere. So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”
In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”
Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
“Over here, on the swings.”
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth.”
He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”
# If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
# There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
# Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
# Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
# Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
# Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
# Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
# Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
One day, a woman was traveling home by bus when a man got in and sat down next to her.
The woman noticed that the man was slightly drunk.
“You are drunk!” said the woman in disgust.
“And you, madam, are very ugly!” the man replied unoffended.
The woman began to scold the man but he remained silent.
At last, the bus reached a bus stop and the woman gathered up her luggage to go. As the bus drew away from the bus stop, the man leant out of the window and shouted:
“At least by tomorrow I will be sober but you will still be ugly, voetsek !!!!
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked hid Dad, ''What are these Pop?''
''They're smart pills son,'' said his father.
''Eat them and they'll make you smarter."
So he ate them and said, ''Yuck...these taste like poop!''
''See,'' said his father, ''you're already getting smarter!''
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”
A small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
"Forgive your enemies but remember their names."
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."
- Albert Einstein
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome."
"Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
"Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop."
"Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."
Tags: Funny Quotes
9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she said.
"The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said. "What we do is will ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, “Fees!”
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said
"you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog",
so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said
"you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat",
so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
Tags: old people
Ok, these are not actual Chinese proverbs (I checked), so let’s just call them Hollywood stereotyped Chinese proverbs. (Pretty sure you can imagine Mr Miyagi saying one of these to karate kid!)
- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
- Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
- Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.
As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello’s and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.
As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.”
She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
A carload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car.
Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!"
A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, "I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!"
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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