An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d only known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’
GM outsourced labor because they said they couldn’t make money paying American wages. Apparently GM couldn’t make money paying foreign wages either. What’s the common denominator here? Management wasn’t outsourced.
The last couple of paragraphs tell the sad story indeed………..GE
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (GM) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the r ower.. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to China.
Sadly.............. The End.
Here’s something else to think about:
GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter’s results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racked up 9 billion in losses.
GM folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN’T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
Tags: funny story
- The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
- The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
- The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
- The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.
The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.
The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
Tags: funny story
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Following are the posts published in month of November, just in case you missed any :)
- Tiger Woods Crash Jokes
- How Much Do I Worth Dad ?
- Help Wanted
- Funny Ads Compilation
- Keeping In Shape
- It Was A Really Bad Movie
- First Day At College
- A Beautiful Message About Growing Old
- Q & A From The American Association Of Retired Peo...
- Lets Pretend We Are Married
- Cost Cutting Idea
- How I Learned To Mind My Own Business
- You Know You're A Cop If
- Rickshaw Puller
- Everyone Can Boost Of Guts In Favorable Situations...
- Follow Me To The Jungle
- Geek Family
- TOP 10 Things Only Women Understand
- Where To Order Some Meat
- Geek Father
- Star Wars Toaster
- The Dinner Party
- Awwww It Was A Tired Day
- Posting To Santa
- Hunting On Car
- Just Do It Santa
- Fixing A Car Brake
- How Fights Starts
- Filling For Patent
- You'd Be Proud of Me God
- Moral Of The Story
- Stuck In A Library
- Experience Counts
- Now Kids Involved In Drunk Driving
- You Are Too Drunk
- How To Determine Sex Of Fish ?
- Missing : Wife And Motorcycle
- A Gift To All Women From God
- Girly Bike
- The 15 Greatest Drinking Quotes
- Getting Your Grammar Correct
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there’s a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you re the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies…. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
- Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
- You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
- Well this day was a total waste of make up
- Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
- Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
- I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
- Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
- Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
- Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
- I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
- Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Aw, did I step on our poor little itty bitty ego?
- I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- You are depriving some village of an idiot.
- If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
- Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of who gives-a-shit?
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,So I could have a new one everyday.
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice"
Tags: marriage jokes
- Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
- When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
- Santa seldom answers your mail.
- When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
- Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
- Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
- Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
- Santa laughs entirely too much.
- Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
- Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Tags: santa clause
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.
He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"OK, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
Yea, you've been there before (that's why my insurance is so damn high). So what do you say to the officer when he asks what happened? Well, first and foremost - lie like hell. If you need some help, write these down and pick one at random.
- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished."
- "The other car collided with mine without giving fairwarning of its intention."
- "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
- "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
- "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over."
- "He applied brake and his car stopped, I applied brake and my car didn't stop."
- "A pedestrian hit me and then went under my car. There was nothing I could do."
- "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
- "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
- "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car."
Tags: funny lists
Here are five of the funniest Woods gags posted online so far. You can suggest your own favourites in the comment box below:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
- It's showing on an airplane... and you STILL think about walking out!
- Even if you've snuck into the theater, you still demand your money back afterwards!
- After it's over you say to yourself, "Wow, and the best part of that was Vin Diesel's performance!"
- You start to cry, not because of the poignant story, but due to the bad acting.
- There's a CRYING BABY in the audience...and the Baby's lines are more interesting than what the actors on screen are saying!"
- You see John Waters in the audience getting sick to his stomach.
- Nobody even bought the bootleg DVD at the swap meet!
- The director holds a press conference as "Alan Smithee" behind bullet-proof glass!
- You have trouble leaving because it SUCKS!
- You cringe in horror... and it's a NUDE scene!
- EVERYONE in the theater decides to play Mystery Science Theater 3000!
- You think out loud that it would be a good weapon in the war on terror...
- The USHERS don't show up, even when offered triple pay.
- The guy who's videotaping it for the bootleg walks out!
- When the SWAT team asks where the bomb is...and everyone points to the screen...
- Someone spills the popcorn and soda all over the screen... ...and nobody notices the difference...
Tags: funny lists
I forgot what it was….
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
A man and a woman who had never met before,who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying… 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight… let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!…That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence… he farted.
Tags: marriage jokes
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody.'
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13….13…..13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…..
Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14….14….14'…
- You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
- Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call
- You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
- You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
- You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
- You have your weekends off planned for a year
- You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it Right the first time.
- You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form
- You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .O8
- You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
- Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."
- People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where it's located
- You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body
- You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH!)
- You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
- You do not see daylight from November until May
- People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original
- A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear
- You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."
- You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
- You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
- Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
- You find humor in other people's stupidity
- You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten
- You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the kitchen."
The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve.
The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said,
"The cat is dead!"
The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."
When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"
"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the truck ran it down!"
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”
Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”
Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”
Tags: Software Engineer
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…..
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started…..
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started….
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started……
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started……
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend…
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started…
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”
Tags: funny morals
“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
“No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time — you’re too drunk”
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”
The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn, I must be. The last two places said the same thing!”
These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra
“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields
“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin
“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields
“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra
“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns
A wildlife biology grad student was writing a proposal to get some funding for a mongoose research project. He sat at his computer and typed:
"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongooses...."
Wait, he thought, that doesn't sound right. So, he backspaced and began again:
"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongeese...."
Still again, he thought, that just doesn't sound right. He backspaced again, and after thinking for several minutes, he began to type:
"I will attach a radio collar to an adult mongoose. Immediately after the first is attached, I will attach a second collar to another mongoose..."
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
- ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.
- Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
- Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
- If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?""One half brother and two half sisters."
An old couple in Shanghai had been chatting online with another couple in the English countryside for years. One day, they agreed to swap residences for a month.
Finding clean air, serenity and little traffic at his destination, the Chinese old man wanted to take full advantage of his new surroundings. He decided to go for a leisurely drive. No more than 15 minutes on the road, his cell phone rang. His wife was on the line.
"Honorable husband, be very careful. I heard on the radio that a man is driving on the wrong side of the road."
"You no talking joke. There are tens and tens of them!"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked the man.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decided to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours, and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved.
Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replied, "she was here, and you could have."
So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her darned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a gun pissed out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!"
"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
"That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
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