- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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