If Men Ruled the World

  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
  • Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
  • You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
  • Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
  • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too.
  • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
  • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

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