Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Baby Panda

Blonde Guy

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a

bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d only known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

GM Sucks

GM outsourced labor because they said they couldn’t make money paying American wages. Apparently GM couldn’t make money paying foreign wages either. What’s the common denominator here? Management wasn’t outsourced.

The last couple of paragraphs tell the sad story indeed………..GE

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (GM) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the r ower.. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to China.

Sadly.............. The End.

Here’s something else to think about:
GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can’t make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter’s results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racked up 9 billion in losses.

GM folks are still scratching their heads.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Economy Is Bad That....

  • The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
  • The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
  • The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  • The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
  • The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
  • The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
  • The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Real Tough Notebook

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Its Your Lucky Day

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.

The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.

Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.

The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.

The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

No One Appreciates A Good Job

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.



Monday, December 14, 2009

Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Kids Should Focus More On Outdoor Games


Job Evaluation

Sunday, December 13, 2009

November '09 Archive

Following are the posts published in month of November, just in case you missed any :)

If Life's A Game, Who's Playing It ?

You 'Caught' My Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there’s a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you re the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies…. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Prepare For Plan B

Friday, December 11, 2009

Things Stressed Women Say At Work

  1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
  2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
  3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
  4. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
  5. Do I look like a people person?
  6. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  7. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  8. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
  9. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
  10. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  11. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  13. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  14. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
  15. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
  16. Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
  17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
  18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  19. Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  20. Chaos, panic and work here is done.
  21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  23. Earth is full. Go home.
  24. Aw, did I step on our poor little itty bitty ego?
  25. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  26. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
  27. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
  28. Look in my you see one ounce of who gives-a-shit?

Women Are Angels ?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Funny Conversations

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,So I could have a new one everyday.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice"

No Point In Not Eating

How Santa Resembles A System Administrator

  1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
  2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
  3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
  4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
  5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
  6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
  7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
  8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
  9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
  10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Foot Problem

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

"OK, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Friday, December 4, 2009

Understanding Computers

Top 10 Car Accident Excuses

Yea, you've been there before (that's why my insurance is so damn high). So what do you say to the officer when he asks what happened? Well, first and foremost - lie like hell. If you need some help, write these down and pick one at random.

  1. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished."
  2. "The other car collided with mine without giving fairwarning of its intention."
  3. "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
  4. "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
  5. "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over."
  6. "He applied brake and his car stopped, I applied brake and my car didn't stop."
  7. "A pedestrian hit me and then went under my car. There was nothing I could do."
  8. "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
  9. "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
  10. "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car."

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