- If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas ;
- If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;
- If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;
- If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ;
- If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;
- If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;
- If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ;
- If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ;
- If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody’s passing you, you may live in Texas ;
- If you find 60 degrees ‘a little chilly,’ you may live in Texas ;
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down… and that’s when you realize… you have been listening to your ipod.
A cowboy walked into a bar, sat down and asked for a shot, across was a Mexican man sitting there glaring at the cowboy.
The cowboy took the shot and slammed the shot glass down on the counter and yelled, ‘TGIF’
The Mexican ordered a shot, took it and slammed his glass down and yelled, SPIT’
The cowboy looked over at him and noticed that the Mexican man was still staring at him!
The cowboy once again ordered another shot, slammed it down and yelled again, ‘TGIF’
and once again the Mexican ordered his shot, slammed his shot glass down after consuming it and yelled out, ‘SPIT’
This went on for a while, and the bartender stood there and watched this go on, finally annoyed by it, the bartender asked the cowboy, ‘Ya know, just checking but do you know what TGIF means ??? and the cowboy replied Hell ya, I know what it means,
‘thank god it ’s friday !
And then the bartender went up to the Mexican man and said okay so what does SPIT mean and the Mexican replied…..
’stupid pendejo it’s Thursday!’
Tags: drunk jokes
A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to succesfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The New Zealander was next up, and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The man from Australia was the last one up, but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
- "You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy. For this, may have two wishes!".
- "Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
- "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
- "Please tie the New Zealander to my back."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Ever wondered what the doctor actually means when talking to them. Here is a guide to decoding them:
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you..”
“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management”.
Tags: Software Engineer
Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”
The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who might be the woman you were with?”
“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Five more good leads!”
- I am very detail-oreinted.
- My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
- Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
- Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
- It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
- I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
- If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
- My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
- I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
- Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
- Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
- Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
- Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
- Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
- Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
- I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.
- Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
- Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
- Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, ‘Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
Now I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re
not holding up your side of the bargain.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel!!!!!
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs.
Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.
- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.
- We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.’What are you going to do,’ the homeowner asks?
‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage int he back of the van.’
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.’
If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!’
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 A.M.”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed….
It said… “It’s 5.00 A.M., wake up!”
A police car pulled up in front of an older woman's house, and her husband climbed out. The polite policeman explained that "this elderly gentleman" said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"How could it happen?" asked his wife. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to her ear so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost - I was just too tired to walk home."
Tags: old people
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island."
Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island."
She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that."
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.
"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"
Tags: old people
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
and said, ‘I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your
affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
’Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t
well. I have cancer.
Let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered,
‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS.’
The woman said, ‘I don’t want any of them sleeping with your father
after I’m gone.’
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.They do, and it walks across the road, with he butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it.
Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.
As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shouting and swearing at the dog.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”
The guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”
Two men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light, the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light.
Shocked, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"
The driver just responds in a casual tone, "That's the way my brother drives."
As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop light and again the drive speeds through the intersection.
Again the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"
The driver says, "That's the way my brother drives".
Not too long after that, they came upon a green light.
The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just before the intersection.
The angry passenger screams, "It's a green light!"
The driver says, "Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!"
One day Kyle’s dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, “Son why are you late from school?”
Kyle answered, “Dad, we had extra classes today”.
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, “Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?”
“Dad, I went to a movie”
“The Ten Commandments”
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
“Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen”.
“Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved”
Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle’s mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, “After all he is YOUR son!!!”
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle’s mother a resounding slap on her face!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Billy Bob’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” says the doctor.
The new mother says, “Wow, that’s a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise.” Then she asks, “What’s the boy’s name?”
A policeman was patrolling a local lover’s lane parking spot overlooking a golf course. As he drove around he passed a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.
There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He stopped his patrol car and went over to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s side of the car and knocked on the window. The young man looked up, wound down the window and said, “Good evening officer.”
“What are you doing parked here?” the policeman asked. “Well officer,” replied the young man, “I’m reading this magazine.”
The police officer pointed towards the young lady in the back seat and asked, “And what is she doing?”. The young man looked over to the back seat and replied, “What does it look like she is doing? She’s knitting.”
“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m eighteen.” he replied.
“And how old is the young lady?” asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about seven minutes she’ll be sixteen.”
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present.
She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.
The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What the heck did you do that?” shouts Stan. “You know he’s probablyonly gonna use it for drugs or booze!”
Ryan replies, “And we weren’t?”
As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was anoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
· My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.
· Keep honking while I reload.
· If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
· Bad Cop! No Donut!
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
· I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
· Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
· Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
· Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
· Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
· I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car …
· Tow-ers will be violated.
· Montana - At least our cows are sane!
· The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
· I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
· Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
· It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
· Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
· Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
· Wink, I’ll do the rest!
· I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
· When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
· Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
· If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
· Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
· Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
· My karma ran over my dogma.
· Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
· Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
· Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
· Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
· Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
· We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
· Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
· There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
· Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
· Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
· Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
· 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Tags: funny bumper sticker
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Is it your child? Is it a parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”
The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband!… Why did you die? Why did you die?"
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TEACHER: Do you see the grass outside?
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see the teacher?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
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