A Doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, “and you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says “what took you so long to answer the phone”?
She says, “I was in bed”.
“In bed this late, doing what”?
“Getting a second opinion” she says.
- I will not eat other animals' poop.
- I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
- Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
- Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
- Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
- Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
- Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
- Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
- January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need."
She asks, "What’s that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said,”Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Jeez, that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep, so I watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex- linebacker, with arms as thick as a man’s thigh, leg’s like tree trunks, and a barrel-chest.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night…he sat up and watched me all night long.”
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
An elementary school teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living. “Jeffrey, please be first,” she said. “Tell the class, what does your mother do?” Jeffrey stood up and proudly boasted, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?” Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, “My dad’s a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amy,” said her teacher. “What about your father, Jimmy?” Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!”
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy’s house and knocked on the door. Jimmy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy’s father said, “Well, I’m actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?”
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.
"Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father, "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time."
"You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college."
"Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "And cheap ones too."
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
- Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !'
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
- The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?
The little boy said, "I guess I'll kiss his ass and let him go."
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, sweetheart.” her mother replied, “Why ever would you ask such a question?”
“The headstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a big-old motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, “Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, “Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, “Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so, YOU ride it!”
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
She replies, "My head hurts."
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"
"Yes," she says.
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses he lips.
"Is it better now?"
She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"
The newly weds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation / honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy baby, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enough trouble explaining you to her."
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their home. He said he had to repeat this for a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He related that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told the others that he didn't see any results in the first day but after the first day things were better. By the third the house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner.
The third lad had married a Scottish Girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he couldn't see anything, and didn't see anything the second day, either. By the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough, anyway, to fix himself a bite of toast, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.
The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”
The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”
- If you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well, you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you’ve always been a fan… you are an a$$hole!
- If you take up two parking spaces for one car… you are an a$$hole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)
- If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie theater… you are an a$$hole!
- If you complain about the government, yet don’t vote… you are an a$$hole!
- If you drive 50 mph in the far left lane on the highway and don’t notice all the cars backed up behind you… you are an a$$hole!
- If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon… you are an a$$hole!
- If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair…you are an a$$hole!
- If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don’t read because you don’t have time… you are an a$$hole!
- If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair… you are an a$$hole!
- If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)… you are an a$$hole!
- If you are Christian Bale… you are an a$$hole!
- If you put your makeup on while driving… you are an a$$hole!
- If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green… you are an a$$hole!
- If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off… you are an a$$hole!
- If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics… you are an a$$hole!
- If you think welfare is an occupation… you are an a$$hole!
- If you talk shit about people without knowing the whole story… you’re an a$$hole!
- If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds… you are an a$$hole!
- If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can’t hear you… you are an a$$hole!
- If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers…you are an a$$hole!
- If you loudly entertain the whole bus/park/lobby/ beach/neighborhood with your boom box, car stereo or iPod blasting so loud in your ears that we can all still hear it… you are an a$$hole!
- If you call for a pizza, tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants…you are an a$$hole!
- If you write “U” instead of “you,” or “sux” instead of “sucks,” or “klik” instead of “click” or “kreative” instead of “creative”…you are an a$$hole!
- If you think welfare is an occupation…you are an a$$hole!
- If you ask every Asian person you meet, “Do you know karate?”… you are an a$$hole!
- If you think only women should cook…you are an a$$hole!
- If you hold people up in line at the store to pay for a one dollar pack of gum with a credit card… you are an a$$hole!
- If you ask someone a question but don’t listen to the answer…you are an a$$hole!
- When you are the boss and send out an email telling everyone in the office to show up on time and then stroll in 30 minutes late everyday and leave at 10 to five…you are an a$$hole!
- If you make a list of what constitutes an a$$hole… you are an a$$hole!
XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees were in the office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office.
10 mins passed...... ......... ......... ......... .5 more mins passed.
Security Officer -> Announcement starts,
"Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% of employees. So whose ever ID card does not work when moving back inside the building are laid off & all their belongings would be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill the email box size with layoff mails & also to avoid any fight inside the office".
Hope you have nice career ahead.
Please move in & try your luck.
- January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tike was Ms. Robertson’s son.
- June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice that someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
- October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr.Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming that the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
- October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it’s owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt that the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
- May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
- December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.
- Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson’s microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson’s poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, “just a few minutes, on low,” The case was quickly dismissed.
And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter…
(An actual letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England)
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favourites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. Ib elieve that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Tags: Office Jokes
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You > won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program
here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says.
“I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.
“ Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that little redhead who lives in town?”
The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that *#@&* before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Tags: funny ideas
TOP TEN REASONS MEN DON'T SAY "I LOVE YOU"
- They don't mean it.
- They want to get laid, but not *that* bad.
- Their fathers didn't say it to their mothers.
- It has become a throw-away phrase.
- They don't want to be trapped in some long-term thing.
- They've said it before and found out they were wrong.
- They think it is much cooler to say it to other men, like Sammy and Frank.
- It will lead to "I'll marry you".
- It has become a throw-away phrase.
- If they say it, their penises will fall off.
- They like the words.
- Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important.
- They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it.
- It makes them feel all tingly to hear it.
- Commitment/Power evil grin
- He ain't gettin ANY unless he does.
- It makes up for what a jerk he is the rest of the time.
- It makes sex better.
- The woman can say it back without risking rejection.
- The woman wants to see his penis fall off.
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to poo."
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Savior.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
… the teacher fainted!
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.” Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish,” says the girl.
“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”
“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentiality' and 'reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
- To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
- If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
- Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
- To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
- To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
- To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
- If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
- When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
- "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
- You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
- We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
- To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
- Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
- To undo a mistake, click on "back".
- Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
- If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive. Bi...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged...
The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it? Answer Coffin Ther...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...