Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.
- Only drunk dial when you’re drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
- It’s okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
- If you’re going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”
- Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
- Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
- Drunk texting is OK, but only if you’re prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
- It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
- You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
- If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
- It’s always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
- Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry.
- Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They’re usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.
- If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
- Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
- If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s. It’s karma.
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."
"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"What did it say?"
"Don’t stand up in the car!"
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.
Tags: drunk jokes
Everyone's looking for a job. If you haven't been laid off, you might be soon, or else you need a second job to just keep up. What if historical characters had to go through the modern job application and interview process? Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
I can give your company a head start on the competition.
My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
What do you mean this isn't business casual?
My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
There’s about 40 million people over 50 years old in the work force - pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations.
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry
3) They either buy a house/pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
American Taxpayers Union
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Tags: Short Joke
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well," he thought. "I tried." But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling!
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
- Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen,” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms.. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?"
"Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot!"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook."
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch
his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?"
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the green fees?” grumbled the old man. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the couple. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer. “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!”
I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and great education.
When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don´t think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here´s a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady´s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We´ll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I´ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I´ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There´s no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Tags: old people
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — just never wanted to.’
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing.
When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.
The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’
There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don’t waste ammunition.
2. Don’t mess with old people.
Tags: funny morals
There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis.
The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Notre Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left.
The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, "Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump!"
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''
The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''
The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''
The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''
Tags: Text Jokes
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb-ass husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking.
What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!
Why did the kid study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A’s and one B!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk!
What runs but never walks? Water!
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A Minnie van!
How did Noah see the animals on the Ark at night? With flood lights!
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly…
If one of my cheques is returned marked ‘insufficient funds,’
how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks a clerk for an anal deodorant. The clerk explains that they don’t stock such a thing.
The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes the man on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks the man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that the instructions on the reverse state, “Push up bottom to use.”
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a pothole.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a pothole. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', eh? Well, how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today, sir!"
Tags: old people
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…”
“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.” “But, Mom,” replied the boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”
Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’ “
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Tags: Short Joke
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
- College - JURASSIC PARK
- Principal - DRACULA
- H.O.D - HULK
- Lecturer - BLADE
- Lab - PLANET OF APES
- Lecture Hall - SLEEPY HOLLOW
- Library - CHAMBER OF SECRETS
- Canteen - JUST LIKE HEAVEN
- College gate - AT THE WORLD'S END
- Guys - BAD BOYS
- Gals - CHARLIE'S ANGELS
- Romance - TITANIC
- Syllebus - DEEP BLUE SEA
- Series exams - STAR WARS
- Internals - PRESTIGE
- Exam - WAR OF THE WORLDS
- Cheating in exam - DARE DEVIL
- Invigilator - TEMINATOR
- Results - JUDGEMENT DAY
- All pass - MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
Tags: twisted meanings
Picking pockets is definitely not an admirable “profession”, but I have to admit this guy is very good at what he does.
It’s not every day you get to see a professional thief working one of his victims, but thanks to this photographer we got to catch him in the act. This sort of stuff happens every day on the streets of China, and the thief is probably picking somebody else’s pockets right now, without a care in the world. Victims realize they’ve been robbed way too late, and all they can do is just go about their business and try to get over it.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame.... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
Tags: friendship joke
Two old friends bumped into one another on the street one day. One of them looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has happened to you, my old friend?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's a lot of money."
"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds like you've been blessed...."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
Now he was really confused. "Then, why do you look so glum?"
"This week... nothing!"
Tags: Text Jokes
Nobody ever got a job by being completely honest, So make your lies BOLD, CREATIVE in your resume and the most important thing is to make them UNVERIFIABLE!
Interviewer: Your resume shows that you have fifteen years as an senior executive a the CIA
Dilbert: Yes and they are Instructed to kill anybody who tries to VERIFY that!
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN ...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged...
Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive. Bi...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it? Answer Coffin Ther...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
HE :Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like y...