A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Pre School.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use ‘Big People’ words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
‘I went to visit my Nana’. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.
She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
‘I read a book’ he replied.
That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.
‘What book did you read?’
( I love this.....)
Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
‘Winnie the SHIT’.
A contestant named Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
Sally was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sixty is the worst age to be,’ said the 60-year-old man. ‘You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.’’Ah, that’s nothin,’’ said the 70-year-old. ‘When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!’
‘Actually,’ said the 80-year -old, ‘Eighty is the worst age of all.’
‘Do you have trouble peeing, too?’ asked the 60-year old.
‘No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.’
‘So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?’
‘No, I have one every morning at 6:30 .’
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, ‘You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30 . So what’s so bad about being 80?’
‘I don’t wake up until 7:00 .
Tags: old people
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
Three dead bodies turn over the weekend, all with very big smiles on their faces. Monday morning, the coroner calls the homicide chief to tell him of the weekend's events.
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Makes sense," the detective says, scribbling some notes.
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won ten thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Got it," the Inspector said. "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Well, why the heck is she smiling, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Tragic," the coroner said. "She thought she was having her picture taken."
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. he stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"duke!" the dad yelled.
"this is great!" the boy thought. "he thinks the dog is farting!" so he let out another one.
"duke!" the father barked. the boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"duke! get out of there before the boy shit on you!"
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. Possibly he just doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking.
The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home. Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said,
"You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk,
so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead."What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any bloody birdseed at that pet store?'"
- Speeding ticket? What's that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
- You can quickly end any fight by crying.
- You'll never regret piercing your ears.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'
The Cajun is the new supervisor
Tags: Funny Questions
Harry answers the telephone and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Following is the list of posts published in month of March . Check out if you have read all
- How To Tell If You Have Smelly Feet
- Obesity Is Suicide
- Don't Mix Mobile And Driving
- 15 Rules Of Drunk Dialing
- Controlling Kids
- Roller Coaster Ride
- Back View Of Mount Rushmore
- Public Service Message
- Save Trees
- Job Seekers From The Past
- Don't Do Drugs . Don't Shoplift
- How To Fix The Economy
- Always Aim High
- Skydiving Lesson
- The Difference Between Men and Women
- Gooood Morning Sunshine
- Making Gloves
- Honey, Whats On TV ?
- Sixth Grade History of the World
- Net Worth
- Children In Church
- Public Service Message By Government
- Living On The Edge
- Healthy Living : Is It Really Worth It ?
- Never Hide Anything From Your Wife
- Its Getting Too Hot
- My Wife Just Does Not Understand
- The Difference Between Now And Then
- A Clever Old Man
- I Am A Man
- A Little Test
- Archaeological Discovery
- Save Water Day : Do Your Bit
- Don't Mess With Old People
- Wardrobe Malfunction
- Trust Me And Jump
- Use Candle To Wake Up Early
- Bad Neighbor
- Dumb A** Husband
- Survival Is Not An Option
- Funny Q & A By Kids
- Remember The Excitement Of That First Beer?
- A Valid Query To Banks
- Extreme Close Up
- What Is Happening With Those Post-Its
- Poor Old Man
- World Economy : Do I Need To Say Anything Else
- Home Life Sucks
- Please Don't Use These Words
- Why You Should Not Believe In What You Hear
- Huge Loss
- Never Mind, I Found Parking
- Getting Too Old
- New Anti-Bird Measures For Airliners
- Amatuer Tree Trimmer :Will Learn Soon Enough
- Men Are Just Simple People
- Funny Helmets
- House For Sale
- College Life Vs Hollywood Movies
- Dangerous Spanking
- Professional Thief At Work
- Do You Ever Get That Feeling?
- Am Proud Of My Son
- Ideal Husband
- No Amount Of Money Is Good Enough
- Red Bull - Gives You Wings
- Simple Interview Tip from Dilbert
- Money Saving Tips From Pirates
- What Would You Do ?
- Life's Tough When You're Stupid
- LoL ! I Am Sorry
- Never Let Kids Do An Adult's Job
- (Wo)Men Soccer
- Blonde Cop
- Why Businesses Need Attorneys
- If Browsers Were Women
- How The New Stimulus Plan Will Work
- Honey, What've You Been Teaching Kids
- What Is Worse Than Divorse
- How To Argue Effectively
- Forrest Gump in One Minute
- Talk About Explosive Entry
- Keeping An Eye Out For The Doctor
- Now Or Never : Pull The Ladder
- Is There Life After Death ?
- Salary Appraisal
- Chinese Sick Day
- Bad Job : Worse Job
- Ultimate Facts Abouts Men And Women
- Let's See Who Shoots First
- Funny Proverbs By Famous People
- What Difference Glasses Can Make ?
- Questions That Have Confused Humankind
- Ohh! That's Going To Hurt
- Women Need All The Information
- Mother Of The Year
- You May Be A Taliban If
- Just When You Thought That The Worst Was Over
- Blonde's House On Fire
- I Guess This Monkey Can't Read
- Pearly Gates
- Some Wacky Q & A
- Your Friendship Means A Lot To Me
- Beer Belly Facts
- Please Do Not Read
- A Good Bet
- Hitlers Library
- A Witty Young Trial Lawyer
- Blonde Goes Flying
- Hmm! Thats Interesting
- Short Marriage Jokes
- Flying Kiss
- Monkey Will Eat Anything
- Only Cops Can Do This Legally
- Most Dangerous Thing We Eat
- A Lawyers Soul
- Proofs Of Who Was Jesus
A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10″ replies the woman.
“10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne” she answers.
“What? They’ve all got the same name?” says the council worker, “Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Don’t be soft,” says the scouse woman, “It’s great - if they’re out playing in the street I just have to yell ‘WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY’ or ‘WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER SOFT LAD!’ and they all do it.”
“But what if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Scouse woman “I just use their surnames.”
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.
This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Tags: teacher jokes
One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister's room. She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend"Your such an ass!" and she hung up.Suzie asked what ass had meant and her sister sayin"Uh... it means... uhh.. boyfriend!". Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word.
Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving. Her dad had cut himself and yelled "SHIT!" Then turning around saw little Suzie ask what shit means. Dad, being quite shocked answered"It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream."
Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey. Suzie's dad's boss was coming to dinner tonight.
When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidentally cut herself yelled"FUCK!". Suzie asked what fuck meant and mom replied" it..it..it uummm...it means cut... yeah, cut." Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it.
When Suzie opened the door, her dad's boss was standing there. Boss asked" Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is?" Then Suzie said" Well, my sister's upstairs talking to her ass on the phone, my dad's in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You’ll never hit her from here."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out
"... and I can't remember who she was!"
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
’Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
- The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
- Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
- Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
- I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
- What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
- I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
- Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
- What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
- Born Free… Taxed to Death.
- We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
We all know this one
One day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints Because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"
Now know this one too!!!
Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Manager when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my Manager "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the Manager answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"
Tags: Software Engineer
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over.
The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.'' The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper,
''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a b*tch would have tried that crap with me!'''
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grumpy around here."
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo—oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied,
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .’HEBREWS’
Tags: Short Joke
A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. He had grabbed the purse and ran.
She had her hand on the gun in the purse when he grabbed the purse and she was left with the revolver in her hand..
When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away.
She replied under oath:
“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”
She was Acquitted of all charges
Barbara died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says "Expired". So her nephew, John got her one on e-bay! She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle.
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, ‘Can I help you Sir?’
’Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr’, the man replies.
The cop asks, ‘Where was your car the last time you saw it?’
’It wasss on the end of thisshh key’, the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, ‘Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?’
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
’Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
Tags: Famous Quotes
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and se...
They say that there are no "Stupid Questions".... well think again. The best of those stupid, dumb, and funny questions. Some of ...
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...