Top 100 Ways To Order A Pizza

  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  79. Put them on hold.
  80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ’sauce smothered with meat’.”
  82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  84. When you’ge given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  85. Haggle.
  86. Order a one-inch pizza.
  87. Order term life insurance.
  88. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  92. Engage in some serious swapping.
  93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  97. Order a steamed pizza.
  98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
  99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
  100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, Say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

Timing Is All That Matters

Why Carry A Gun?

Experience Counts

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.

At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $5000 from the engineer for his services.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $4999

Modelling Agency

Plumber Vs Surgeon

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-minute job, he demanded $75.

"I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon."

"You're right -- that's why I switched from surgery to plumbing!"

An Innocent Kids Prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy ' s computer.... ..


Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

8. All lunches are free! “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

7. It will stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. So that with a little help from the funky ‘muzak’ you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

4. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

2. No one tries to steal your chair.

1. Gives the term “bad hair day” a whole new meaning

Vodafone ZooZoo Ads - All In One

Great Quotes by Great Ladies

Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
A woman must do what he can’t.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometime! s several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb
… and I’m also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Looks Can Be Deceptive

No One Believes Old People

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. Fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, we’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. They ask: "Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says:
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We’re outta here."

Solving Rubik's Puzzle

Getting Smart With Cops

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

Wal-Mart Isn't The Only Saving Place

Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

My Room

Great Quotes By Comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

Fun Way Of Looking At Life

  1. Long back,a person who sacrificed his sleep,forgot his family,forgot his food,forgot laughter were called "Saints" But now they are called..."IT professionals"
  2. An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt: " If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
  3. Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.. Love is always present.. Its just that,One loves too much,and The other loves too many,
  4. Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..! BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!
  5. Philosophy of life At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
  6. What is Fear? Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!
  7. Jus4Fun someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer" No Wonder why so many of us get speechless when lecturers ask questions..!
  8. Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes? Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!" Girl: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!
  9. After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an opening for you..! Applicant: What is it? Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"
  10. A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company.. Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employees........ Leave them to us

A Heart You Can Use

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.

The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.

The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.

And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.

Which do you want?"

After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.

"It was easy," explained the patient...

"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

WWF Clock - Brilliant Advertising

Writing To Jesus

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

Office Chair To Save You Lot Of Time

Car Kill List

A Moment To Remember

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Store Policy

CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a dog?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the customer returns.
CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a cat?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Well...where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home!
CHECKOUT: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the customer returns.
CHECKOUT: What's in the sack?
CUSTOMER: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
CUSTOMER: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Top 10 Signs You’re Over The Hill

  1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
  2. Your back goes out more than you do.
  3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
  4. You wear black socks with sandals.
  5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
  10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Elephant Wash

Not Scared Of Devil Anymore

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”

The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?”

5 Bananas ? Kids Won't Notice Anyway

Theory of Intelligence Explained

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

Well you see, Norm, it’s like this,a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

Slip Carefully

An Entry From A Blonde's Diary

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid!
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year!” I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Papa And I Have Same Shirt Size

I Want Jelly Beans

Three little boys went into a candy store. " I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth. But he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.

"What will you have?" he asked.

"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.

"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.

"No, sir," answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder.

"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.

"A nickel worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.

I Get Bored On Rainy Days

You Don't Need Brains To Be A Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said,
''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.'' The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'' The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes
became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.

Always Wear Helmet For Safety

Memory Goes With Age

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”

Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”

She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

Funny Wash Room

Disorder In The American Courts

These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS : Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan!
_____________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

Confessional BoothAfter a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

Have You Any Dope ?

Master Salesman

A class of school children filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Drinking May Cause Memory Loss

Being Unknow Has Its Advantages

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee..

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Sorry, We Are Open

Keep It Simple Dude

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her
protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, which looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:

"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Marketing Bloppers

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out, as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-licking' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Flush Before Drinking

How To Install A Home Security System

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big’un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don’t mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.

Better wait outside

Cooter

Solving Rubik's Cube

Marital Humor

Wife: ’What are you doing?’
Husband: ’Nothing’.
Wife: ’Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!!’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

———————————————–

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

—————————————-

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great it is, I look at your picture and the problem simply disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

—————————————–

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

—————————————

Son: ‘Mommie, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to be polite and give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mommie, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

————————————–

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me that fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU THAT FORTUNE!’

————————————-

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

————————————-

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my cooking, my
pretty face ……or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe, smiled, and replied:
‘Well …….I REALLY like your sense of humor!’

Funny Bumper Stickers

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.

-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- I brake for no apparent reason.

-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.

-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.

-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

My Car Is Stolen

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Car Safety

Trying To Be Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll screw you up".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Here Is A Puzzle For You

Imagine you are in Hwange. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.



Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

Scroll down for answer...













Sing Happy Birthday.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
  8. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  10. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  11. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  12. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  13. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

3D Movie

Current Hits