This Is What Will Happen In A Ideal World



Look What I Found

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Rubik’s Cube – Beginner's Version





Exaust Pipe



Where Did You Get That Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

Cool Baby Shirt



I Find Tracks .. I Follow Tracks .. I Kill

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed.

They were the only people who survived.

They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out.

He didn't come back till about noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."

So the next morning the second guy set out.

He too came back at noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he had killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."

The next morning the third guy went out.

The other two were watching and watching for him.

When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried.

Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm.

They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... and I got hit by a train."

Who Is Mightiest Of All

lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Need A Shower



Golf Is So Easy



Husband's Dilemma

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Work Stops At My Desk

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

User Friendly



Connected World



Hmmm .. Don't Feel Like Working Today .,, I'm Outta Here



Anti Wife Bunker



What Are Friends For

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Domestic Violence Allowed On Sunday Here



Medical Record MixUp

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Restroom Frustration



$10 is $10

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.” Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation…

The pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I’ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.” Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”

Luck To Have Grandpa Like You

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

A few minutes later she hears another outburst, and Gramps calmly saying, "It's OK, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps. "But, I'm Albert -- my grandson's name is Steven!"

Ever Ran Out Of Socket For Your Gadgets


How To Tick People Off

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  3. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  4. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  5. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  6. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  7. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  13. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  14. Honk and wave to strangers.
  15. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  16. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  17. type only in lowercase.
  18. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  19. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  20. Ask people what gender they are.
  21. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  22. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  23. Sing along at the opera.
  24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Be Fully Prepared For Flu

iPhone Addict

The Free Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

You Are All Required To Be Happy

NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES!

All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.

Workloads getting to you?
Feeling stressed?
Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)


Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.

Apply as shown in Fig 3.

Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

The Management

May'09 Archive

Here are all the posts published in month of May'09.

April'09 Archive

Here are all the posts published in month of April'09.

Got New Stereo For My Bicycle

Trick To Get An Apartment

Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.

Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!

After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.

The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"

Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

Right And Wrong Way Of Doing It

Baby's Day Out

Banana Protector

Blonde's Diet

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days "Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"


She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

Fear Of Appraisal

Who Said That ?

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "F*** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." at that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! now, who said that?" again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese prime minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s***, we're f*****."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001!"

Corporate Culture

Recession Updates

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves.

Ten were laid off

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired

Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

3. Iron man now “air-pooling” with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money

5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a

small fortune?

A: Start off with a large one.

6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother

borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now America ‘s third

biggest lender.

7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in

the morning?

A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

8. Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?

A: In a few weeks, nothing.

9. Dow Jones is re-branded as “Down Jones”.

10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:

This is worse than divorce.. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my

wife.!!!!

Nature Clothing

Everything Men Know About Women

Famous Quotes

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.?
Bruce Grocott

People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
Lee Iacocca

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.
Henry Ford

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.
John D. Rockefeller

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. -
Albert Einstein

There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob.
GK Chesterton

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Bernard Bailey

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Wilson Little

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
Malcolm Forbes

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Baltasar Gracian

Silence is the virtue of fools.
Sir Francis Bacon

Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought.
Sir William Osler

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
Sir Francis Bacon

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Eric offer

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes ..........

Sometimes… When you cry…
No one sees your tears.

Sometimes… When you are in pain…
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes… When you are worried..
No one sees your stress.

Sometimes… When you are happy..
No one sees your smile .

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!! Just ONE time…
And everybody knows!!

Umbrella For Camera

Expecting Baby

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Blind Driver

Grandpa And IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Is It OK To Kiss In Church

Basic Rule Of Thumb

Don't Teach Me How To Eat

I'd Love To Be 10 Again

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Bicycle Treadmill

Everything Is Charged At Walmart

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it” He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”

It Doesn't Matter

Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Another Batman In The Making

Republican Loggers And Democratic Activists

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

Who Cares About A Stupid Sign

This Chair Does Not Exist

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

Bad Hair Day

Safety First

Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super 14 Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super 14 Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head.... “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Stress Reduction Kit

Dead Bunny

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

Don't Mess With Nun

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."

Let's Pretend We're Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Special Treatment For Geeks

Taking The Exams - The Wrong Way

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

Barack Hussein Obama - In US Vs In Middle East

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

  1. You're Different -- And That's Bad
  2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
  3. Robert: Dad's New Wife
  4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
  5. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
  6. Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  8. All Cats Go to Hell
  9. The Little Sissy That Snitched
  10. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
  11. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
  12. Grandpa Gets a Casket
  13. 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
  14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
  16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
  17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
  18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
  19. You Were an Accident
  20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  21. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  22. Your Nightmares Are Real
  23. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
  24. You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
  25. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

Stealing From Cop

The Caretaker

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to tell you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?

"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle!!??"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!!??"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

LONG SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!"

Long Term Benefits

You Better Catch Me Dad

Blonde Wants To Be A Cop

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.

“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.

“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

Who's The Boss

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

Labour Pain Machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

No One Is Strealing This Car

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