A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
- “Do you have books here?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”
- “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.’” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
- “Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title:”Satanic Verses”)
- “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!
- “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”
- “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”
- “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”
- “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”
- “I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)”
- “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”
- “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
- “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”
- “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”
- “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
- “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months..”
When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep ‘em guessing!
Let’s turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get junk mail, and best of all… THEY are paying for it! Twice!
Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that’s why they need to increase postage again!
Tags: funny ideas
Irish police chasing a Polish driver who had apparently committed more then 50 motoring offences have discovered the embarrassing truth.
Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious ‘Prawo Jazdy’ had always produced his documents – but with a different address each time.
However, they have now discovered that ‘Prawo Jazdy’ is Polish for driving licence, reports Metro.
An internal Garda memo, reported in Irish papers, said officers taking details of Polish traffic offenders had been mistakenly using ‘Prawo Jazdy’, printed in the top right corner of the driving licence, as the holder’s name.
“Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence,” the police memo said.
“It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities.”
A Garda spokesman declined to comment on the reports.
Tags: funny news
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.
Tags: red head
A man returns from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
- Your salary is less than your tuition.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
- You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
- 8:00 am is not early.
- Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
- You go to parties that police don't raid.
- Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
Tags: old people
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water..
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- You can look at pictures of nice cars all you want to and not feel like a pervert.
- You can lust after another car and your current car won't care.
- You can hang any kind of car picture in your dorm room and not get in trouble.
- Women can't go 200 miles per hour.
- A woman can't carry four of your friends on a road trip.
- You can replace your car any time you want and not feel bad.
- A car doesn't have girlfriend cars that will talk about you and tell her that you are not good for her.
- You can't install sub-woofers in a woman.
- You can rub and wax a car in your driveway and not get arrested.
- Car's don't care if you leave them in the garage overnight.
- Cars don't care if you go on a trip for three weeks and don't call them.
- I f you are nice enough, your friend will almost always let you borrow their car.
- You can get together with friends and compare cars and not sound like pigs.
- Car's don't get mad at you for no reason every 28 days.
- You can have two cars at once and they won't be jealous of each other.
- Cars don't have relatives that you have to be nice to.
- You can always test drive a car before making a commitment.
- Car's come with an owners manual.
- Your car does not care if you get fat and walk around with no shirt on.
- You have 100% complete control over the direction of that car at all times.
- You can stare at nice cars in a parking lot and your car won't care.
- You can't put a bumper sticker that says "How's my driving? Dial 1-800- EAT-S*IT!" on a woman.
- Car's could not care less about commitment.
- You don't mind too much if your friends always want a ride in your car.
- If your car is being repaired, you can usually get a loaner car.
- If you are 21, you can legally rent a car. 'Nuff said..
- You can complain about how ratty your car looks and people think it's funny.
- You can sell your car to a complete stranger and nobody will get mad at you.
- A woman does not have keyless entry or remote ignition
- and finally. There are 50 year old cars that still look good
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk.. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
’Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.....’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
An Officer stopped a driver for running a red light. The guy was a real jerk and came running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
The officer calmly told him of the red light violation.
The “Motorist” instantly went on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade went on for several minutes without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finished writing the ticket he put an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then handed it to the “Violator” for his signature.
The guy signed the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy pointed to the “AH” and demands to know what it stood for.
The Mountie said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an Asshole!”
Two months later they were in court. The “Violator” has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and had hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asked; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”
Officer responded, “Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine -- same number at the top.
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
Lawyer: “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile Sir.”
Lawyer: “Aggressive and Hostile?”
Officer: “Yes Sir?
Lawyer: “Officer, Are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”
Officer: “Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having.
All these years? Well, they’re gone.’
’No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’
His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’
Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ‘
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, ‘WOW! - that was wonderful!’
The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.
Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘ .
‘She’s not my wife’
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
- Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
- You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
- Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Tags: naghty jokes
Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.
At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:
"I'm making 2 cups of coffee instead of 5 a day from the office kitchen" said one of the staffs.
"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to" one staf noted.
"I'm using 1 roll of toilet paper instead of 2 rolls a day" said the other who mentioned that he used to spend 2 hours in the office toilet a day.
Apparently this is a TRUE STORY...
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.
Tags: funny story
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."
The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."
Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset .. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
My Harley wouldn’t start today, but at least I got laid!
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Tags: Text Jokes
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there’s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
10. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
3. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
2. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could’ve gone back and told out families what had happened’.
The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pineapples.
Tags: naghty jokes
Johnny and Kip were playing hockey at Forest Park skating rink. Suddenly a vicious pit bull came up and attacked Kip. Instead of panicking, Johnny sneaked up behind the dog, stuck his hockey stick in the dog's collar, and broke the dog's neck.
A reporter from St. Louis heard about what had happened with the boy and he went to the Johnny's house to visit him. He asked Johnny how all of this happened, and Johnny told him. Then he asked Johnny if he could write about him, and Johnny said sure. So the reporter pulled out his notepad and started writing, "Blues fan from St. Louis saves friend from vicious dog."
Johnny said, "I'm not a Blues fan."
So the reporter started writing again. "Cardinals fan from St. Louis saves friend from dog."
Johnny said, "I'm not a Cardinals fan either."
The reporter finally asked, "What the hell are you a fan of?"
Johnny said, "I'm a Detroit Redwings fan."
The reporter frowned and stared writing again: "Little bastard from Michigan kills family pet."
Tags: Text Jokes
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur
- "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
- "Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance
- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
- Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician
- "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop
- "Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore
- Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)
- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- "Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt
- " Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.
- she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
- she thought General Motors was in the Army.
- she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
- she studied for a blood test-and failed.
- she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Two mates loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed” she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house’.
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a Lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the Lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
“Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”.
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.
The Elm Grove Police Department has come up with a new way to keep people from speeding. They’ve placed signs that record a driver’s speed and calculate the outcome of what would happen if they got in a car accident. After seeing the consequences, driving 25 miles per hour doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
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Or else get a proper crack :)
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