Partnership



The Top 5 Things I Hate About People

5. When people say while watching a film, "did you see that?" No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

4. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

3. When people say "It's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do you do that? Why?

2. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

And the Number 1 Thing I Hate About People:

1. When people say "Life is short." What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

Portable Ash Tray



Blonde Cooking Diary

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Little Leo's Cab



And What's Your View On That ?

How To Prevent Flu


  • Eat right!
  • Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies or MonaVie.
  • Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
  • Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
  • Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
  • Wash your hands often.
  • If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
  • Get lots of fresh air.
  • Open doors & windows whenever possible.
  • Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
  • Get plenty of rest.
  • Take the doctor’s approach.

Think about it…
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol… Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

  • I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
  • I put lime in my Corona ...(fruit)
  • Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
  • Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
  • Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
  • Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu can’t get you!

My friends always say,
’A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!’

Now You Won't Have To Miss Movie For Emergency Breaks



Science Class

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??

Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

“Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.” Then turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn’t read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!

Tech Support : When We Help You, We're Just Doing Google



Small Story On Management Lesson

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.

MORAL: Gather all requirements and resources before working on any project and committing to the client...!!!

Suicidal Teddy



The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

It tell me…’You dumber than buffalo shit.. It means someone stole the tent.

Aussie Dobber

“Hello, is this the police?”

“Yes it is. How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He hides cocaine inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir. We’ll investigate right away”

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza’s house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

Then the phone rings at Wazza’s house.

“Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop up your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, maaaaate !!!”

Brave Man Jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Super Zooooom

camera-with-high-zoom-zooms-in-osama-bin-laden-in-mountains

Letter To Mom



To Do List


via

$99 Cruise

This blonde (of course!) walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

No Parking Here

no-parking-my-mother-in-law-steals-cars

Cycle Stand

High School Reunion

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 50th high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

My husband asks, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed. ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my husband. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

Political Promises : To Its Right full Place




Safety Competition.

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had won $5000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart alec when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish,"Are we over the border yet?"

Bubba At The Revival

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Money Spent While Making 'The Simpsons'



Be Careful What You Name You Children

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children’s names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.’

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your children’s names: Brandy and Sherry.

You even called the cat, “Whisky” He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.’

Need Family Time : Watch Horror Movie



Three Very Tough Mice

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Message For New Internet Users



The Economy Is So Bad That

  • I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
  • I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
  • Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
  • A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
  • I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
  • I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
  • Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.

Page Cannot Be Displayed

book-reading-page-can-not-be-displayed-404

Never Ever Try To Outsmart A Woman, Specially Your Wife

A man calls home to his wife and says,

‘Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We’ll be gone for a long weekend.This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to
pick my things up..

‘Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.’

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You’ll love the answer.

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

The wife replies, ‘ I did, they’re in your tackle box.

Moral Of The Story : Never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman!!!

Post-It Bullying

Embarrassing Medical Moments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs—and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! The instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered...’Why, not for about twenty years—when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name


AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Doctor wouldn’t submit his name!

This Is How Cats Have Fun



Lays Ad



Lawyer Lawyer

The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Defendant: That’s me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

You Are Driving The Coastline Under Water



Actual Call Received At A Golf Course

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it..,,,

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes. Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?

Rioting Kids



Wall Art

rat-on-treadmill-creating-electricity-wall-art-on-switch

Explain In Your Own Words



Heavenly Sign

I looked up in the sky
The sky was very beautiful, clear, blue...
I raised my hands up and...
I asked the lord
Oh Lord, Shall we get salary hike in 2009?
And suddenly…
The lord responded with a sign...

cloud-showing-middle-finger-fuck-off

Married In Heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

Times Have Changed : News Paper Are Out Of Fashion

toon-man-reading-newspaper-using-laptop

Lord Of The Rings

shaikh-reading-wearing-so-many-rings

What's The First Thing You Noticed ?

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,

“What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”

The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”

The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”

“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”

The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.”

The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”

The applicant answered, “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

Child Hooks

infant-suspended-on-a-hook

Google Street View Camera


It's probably pretty strange looking if you saw it on the street - a tricycle equipped with nine cameras, a GPS, a computer and a generator.

This is Google's high-tech 3D camera equipment designed to go places cars can't. It is currently being used in Paris where Google has hired two young riders to go through gardens, parks and historical areas not accessible by automobile.



Sarcastic Sayings

  1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  8. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
  9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Young And Ready To Go

two-kids-girl-boy-in-professional-suit-carrying-office-bag-limousine

Not Fully Trained Yet

A guy gets a new dog. It's a nice Jewish dog, so he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

Once the neighbor comes over, and the owner is sure he's watching, the guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands, "OK, Irving: Fetch!"

Immediately the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it! It's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."

July'09 Archive

Archive of posts published in month of July. Check out if you missed out on any.

Little Shaoline Fart


Best Rejection Lines


I know how to please a woman!
Then please leave me alone.


I want to give myself to you!
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.


May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?


You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep then.


I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.


Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter.


I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.


May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.


I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?


Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.


Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.


Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.


What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?


Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.


If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.


So what do you do for a living?
Female impersonator.

With Kids Like These, Everyday Is An Adventure

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Woddy Allen - My Next Life



Do You Have Anything To Declare ?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course, child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Need A Sun Roof

crazy-guy-cutting-out-sun-roof-on-brand-new-car-funny

Tic Tac Toe

diver-aquarium-playing-tic-tac-toe-with-kid

Father To Be : God Bless His Kid

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Grill Anywhere

shopping-cart-as-grill

Monkey Experiment

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies’ policies get established.

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Thanks - Tom Hanks



New Taxi Driver

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”

The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

Natural Ad



Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

  1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
  2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
  5. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
  6. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
  7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
  8. Ask, “Did you feel that?”
  9. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
  10. Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.
  11. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up,all of you, just shut up!”
  12. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,”Got enough air in there?”
  13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  14. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  15. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

You Need To Broaden Your Vocabulary

Blonde Stuck In A Room

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Extra Strong Coffee



Watching A Movie After Soooo Long

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Portable Potty



Black And White

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

Don't Use Mobile When You Are Mobile



Changing Light Bulb



UFO Q & A

Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?
A. Because they are corny.

Q. Where do dumb aliens go?
A. Area 52.

Q. How are men like UFOs?
A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

There I Fixed The Flush



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