Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was always the husband behind the wheel on the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out, on the lake he said to his wife "Please take the wheel, dear, Pretend I am having a heart attack, you must get the boat ashore and dock it."
So she steered the boat ashore and docked it.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the lounge room, where her husband was watching TV.
She sat down next to him, took the remote, and changed the channel and said to him.
"Please go to the kitchen dear, pretend I am having a heart attack, and set the table, cook the dinner and do the dishes."
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it.
The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold ?
No one has ever done it before !’
The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’
The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off ?’‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!’
- You can study and get any certificates. But you cannot get your death certificate.
- You can bcome an engineer if you study in engineering college. You cannot become a president if you studies in Presidency College.
- You can expect a BUS from a BUS stop .. you cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.
- A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot become a software.
- You can find tea in teacup. But you cannot find world in world cup.
- You can find keys in Keyboard but you cannot find mother in motherboard.
Tags: funny thoughts
(1)The three little words are: ‘Hold On, Please...’
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get ‘ads’ enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ‘ads’ with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those ‘pre-approved’ letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage ‘IF’ and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was 39 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the San Antonio River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!!, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi prima that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie."The Genie then said, "Oh no, sorry, chica. Three-wish genies are a fairy-tale myth. I’m a ONE -WISH Genie, Uno, no mas! So…que quieres?"
The lady didn’t hesitate. She said, "I want Peace in the Middle East . Here’s the map, I’ll show you where. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs." She continued, "It will bring world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!
Those fools have had pedo that goes back thousands of years, chale! I’m out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don’t think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please be reasonable! HIJOLE!"
The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. I want a boyfriend Mexicano… but a good one! You know, one that DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes dancing cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and I want him to get along con mi familia. Oh, and make sure that he is FAITHFUL and doesn’t throw chingasos at me. That’s what I wish for….a good Mexican man!"
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said, "Vieja!!!… Sabes Que, Let me see that pinche map again!"
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Tags: funny laws
A woman was in a terrible accident, and her face needed plastic surgery to cover her scars. The doctor told the husband that she desperately needed a skin graft, that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, think nothing of it," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
* Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.
* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.
* There are 2 Os in Bob, right?
* Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.
* That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.
* Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.
* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.
* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.
* The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.
An old man lying on his deathbed summond his doctor, lawyer and his priest. He handed each of them an envelope containing $30,000. “Gentlemen, they say you can’t take it with you but I am going to try. When they lower my casket into the ground I want each of you to toss in the envelope I gave you.”
After the funeral the doctor confessed to the other two “We needed money to build a new clinic, so I kept $20,000 and only threw in $10,000.” The Priest also confessed “We needed renovations at the the church so I kept $10,000 and only threw in $20,000.”
The lawyer shook his head in disgust. “Gentlemen I am ashamed of you…I threw in a cheque for the full amount”
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
MORAL OF THE STORY? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!
Tags: old people
1. Scoop a small hole in an apple with the end of a spoon and insert a sweet gummy worm – yuck!
2. If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box.
3. Make a fake ‘fried egg’. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon.
4. Make some jelly following the instructions on the packet. Before it sets, pour the jelly into glasses. Pop a straw into each one and put in the fridge. Wait until your jelly sets before you serve up your ‘fruit squash’. Watch your guests try to drink it!
5. Put an empty eggshell upside down in an eggcup and surprise someone with a boiled egg that’s got nothing inside.
6. If your milk comes in cartons, turn it blue with a few drops of food colouring. No one will notice until they pour it out.
7. Serve a scoop of mashed potato in an ice cream cone – tell your guests it’s vanilla-flavoured ice cream.
8. With a pin, pierce several holes in a drinking straw, then pop it in a glass of squash.
9. Put plastic wrap over the top of a glass of milk, and watch the confusion as someone puts it to their lips.
10. Swap the sugar and salt over.
11. Scrape the butter icing from the middle of a biscuit and replace it with toothpaste. If toothpast doesn’t sound like a good idea to you, use ketchup or mustard instead.
12. Add food coloring to water to make it look like a glass of juice or punch.
Tags: funny pranks
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Tags: funny morals
An elderly gentleman and his wife were invited to their friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way the host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The host couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wives were in the kitchen, the old man leaned over to his host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving pet names’.
The host hung his head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.’
Tags: old people
A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
“I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car”, said the male driver.
“No way, get stuffed”, replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and $10?” asked the driver?”
No way”, replied the irritated youngster.
“What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY DOLLARS, eh”? Quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
“No, I’m not getting in the friggin’ car!“answered the boy”
OK, I know what you want; I’ll give you $100 and a bag of lollies”,the driver offered.
“NO,” screamed the boy.
“What will it take to get you into the car”? Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, “Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it!”
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"
The student replied, "BIG ones."
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. ‘Well, I’m sure
Jim would be pleased,’ she said.
‘I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
’How much did this really cost?’
’All of it,’ said Sharon . ‘Forty thousand.’
’No!’ Brenda exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?’
Sharon answered, ‘The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.’
Brenda computed quickly. ‘$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?’
- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
- Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice. !
- Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
- Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
- In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Parties’
- Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
- Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
- Sing Along At The Opera.
- Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
- When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
- Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
- loss of friends
- permanent retardation
- loss chance of ever being cool
- a new therapist
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
“Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”
I took a deep breath, then asked...“What did you call it?”
“It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!”
” A f r i c a n Elephant “
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: “if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”
Lion says: “if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.”Pig says: “big deal… I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself.”
Recently a police officer parked his patrol car outside a bar in London, Kentucky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in $20 to $30 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support." “Now look at my sign.”
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new youngwife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Brown Bowl = Vodka and Prune Juice
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
(via It Occurred to Me)
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says,
"You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."
"Deal!" Barney agrees.
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!""And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Ernie?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Ernie, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Ernie walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ’What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well ...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Two guys are hanging out talk and the first one says, "Dude, I totally had a Freudian slip occur yesterday. I was on the phone with the ticket agency and meant to say, 'Could I get two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but accidentally said , "Two pickets to Tittsburgh'!"
The other guys replies, "I've noticed this happening to me a lot, as well. Why just last week I was at the breakfast table with my wife and meant to say, 'Honey, could you please pass the syrup,' but instead I said, 'You crazy bitch, you ruined my life!!'"
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
1. The president of the largest steel company.
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
3. The president of the NYSE,
was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
died abroad, penniless.
5.. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:Fuck work..
Tags: funny morals
Patient: "I have this terrible problem, Doctor. I think I'm a dog. I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I eat dog food."
Psychiatrist: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."
Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
“Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.“Now. Tell him you have a headache.”
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'
'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.
'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'
'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.
'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'
'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'
'What's a 'woman', Lord?'
'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.
'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'
'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.
'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye and an ear.'
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'
The rest, as they say, is history.
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”
And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”
Tags: naghty jokes
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
“Mom, what’s this?” I asked.
“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.
“Is it working?” I asked.
“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”
Critics from Dave TV sat through the telling of thousands of jokes at the Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe Festival, and pronounced these the Top 10 Funniest one-liners:
10) "I started so many fights at my school. I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them." -Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson)
9) "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." -Dan Antopolski
8) "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble". -Rhod Gilbert
7) "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" -Marcus Brigstocke
6) "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." -Adam Hills
5) "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending." -Jack Whitehall
4) "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West." -Zoe Lyons
3) "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." -Sarah Millican
2) "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" -Paddy Lennox
1) "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" -Dan Antopolski
The economy is so bad that:
- Motel 6 won't leave the light on for you anymore.
- CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
- People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truck load of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
- People are now volunteering for jury duty -- for the money!
- Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.
- The CEO of Walmart has been seen shopping at Walmart.
Saturday morning he got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
So he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.
He then went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
His loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that shit?"
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says – “Touchdown, tie score!”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says – “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, – “Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says – “Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!”
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”
The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did....” “Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
“Have her explain that to you.”
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Critics from Dave TV sat through the telling of thousands of jokes at the Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe Festival, and pronounced these the Top...