- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
- ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.
- Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
- Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
- If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?""One half brother and two half sisters."
An old couple in Shanghai had been chatting online with another couple in the English countryside for years. One day, they agreed to swap residences for a month.
Finding clean air, serenity and little traffic at his destination, the Chinese old man wanted to take full advantage of his new surroundings. He decided to go for a leisurely drive. No more than 15 minutes on the road, his cell phone rang. His wife was on the line.
"Honorable husband, be very careful. I heard on the radio that a man is driving on the wrong side of the road."
"You no talking joke. There are tens and tens of them!"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked the man.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
A husband and wife were traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decided to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours, and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved.
Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replied, "she was here, and you could have."
So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her darned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a gun pissed out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!"
"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
"That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
Tags: drunk jokes
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
The three elderley men in the old folks home having a chat one day.
The 80 year old complains that he has trouble with his waterworks and has to keep going for a pee.
The 85 year old who has problems emptying his bowels each day, he sometimes finds it rather difficult.
The 90 year old tells them that he has absolutely no problems.
Each morning at 7 o'clock he empties his bladder and each morning at 7:30 he empties his bowels in a nice smooth movement.
“You're lucky!” said the two youngsters.
“Not really,” said the old timer, “I don't wake up until 8 o’clock.”
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find them.
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on,
'You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.
The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife.I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nineincher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?
''I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen'.
Tags: marriage jokes
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed…
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.
‘Did you help him?’ she asks.
‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’
‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.
Tags: drunk jokes
just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. -Christopher Case
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -Bob EttingerMy mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
Tags: marriage jokes
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
- eat less,
- don’t ask for money all the time,
- are easier to train,
- normally come when called,
- never ask to drive the car,
- don’t hang out with drug-using people;
- don’t smoke or drink,
- don’t want to wear your clothes,
- don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
- don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
- if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Tags: funny lists
Open Book. Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in Russia?
2. Present a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions; -OR- provide the first/last name of God.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) sail the ocean (b) lead an army, or (c) WRITE A PLAY?
4. What religion is the Pope: (a) Pakistani (b) Japanese (c) Agnostic (d) Is the Pope Catholic?
5. Metric conversion: How many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?
7. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Southerners (b) Not Southerners.
8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
9. Can you explain Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no.
10. What are coat hangers used for, other than unlocking car doors?
11. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Canada (c) Belgium (d) FLORIDA.
12. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
13. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
14. Where does the rain come from? (a) The sky.
15. Essay: In 20 words or less, list all of the words you know. (HINT: These are words.)
Tags: Funny Questions
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and se...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. ...