Tiger Woods Crash Jokes

The mysterious circumstances of the collision combined with the punning potential of golf have provided plenty of material for internet wits to work with.

Here are five of the funniest Woods gags posted online so far. You can suggest your own favourites in the comment box below:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

How Much Do I Worth Dad ?

Son: I got a question.
Father: What is your question, son?
Son: How worth am I to you?
Father: Million dollars.
Son: Can I have only ten dollars out of that.

Help Wanted



Funny Ads Compilation


Keeping In Shape



It Was A Really Bad Movie

  1. It's showing on an airplane... and you STILL think about walking out!
  2. Even if you've snuck into the theater, you still demand your money back afterwards!
  3. After it's over you say to yourself, "Wow, and the best part of that was Vin Diesel's performance!"
  4. You start to cry, not because of the poignant story, but due to the bad acting.
  5. There's a CRYING BABY in the audience...and the Baby's lines are more interesting than what the actors on screen are saying!"
  6. You see John Waters in the audience getting sick to his stomach.
  7. Nobody even bought the bootleg DVD at the swap meet!
  8. The director holds a press conference as "Alan Smithee" behind bullet-proof glass!
  9. You have trouble leaving because it SUCKS!
  10. You cringe in horror... and it's a NUDE scene!
  11. EVERYONE in the theater decides to play Mystery Science Theater 3000!
  12. You think out loud that it would be a good weapon in the war on terror...
  13. The USHERS don't show up, even when offered triple pay.
  14. The guy who's videotaping it for the bootleg walks out!
  15. When the SWAT team asks where the bomb is...and everyone points to the screen...
  16. Someone spills the popcorn and soda all over the screen... ...and nobody notices the difference...

First Day At College



A Beautiful Message About Growing Old

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Shit …


I forgot what it was….

Q & A From The American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

Lets Pretend We Are Married

A man and a woman who had never met before,who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying… 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight… let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!…That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence… he farted.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody.'

Cost Cutting Idea



How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13….13…..13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…..

Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14….14….14'…

You Know You're A Cop If

  • You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
  • Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call
  • You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year
  • You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located
  • You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it Right the first time.
  • You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
  • You think caffeine should be available in IV form
  • You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .O8
  • You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
  • Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."
  • People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where it's located
  • You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body
  • You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH!)
  • You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
  • You do not see daylight from November until May
  • People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original
  • A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear
  • You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."
  • You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
  • Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
  • You find humor in other people's stupidity
  • You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten
  • You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."Bulleted List

TOP 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Where To Order Some Meat



Star Wars Toaster



The Dinner Party

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the kitchen."

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve.

The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."

The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said,

"The cat is dead!"

The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."

When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"

"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the truck ran it down!"

Fixing A Car Brake

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”

Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”

Programmer: “Why don’t we just get back in and see if it happens again?”

How Fights Starts

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…..




I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started…..





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started….



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started……




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started……


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started…



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend…
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started…

Filling For Patent

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

You'd Be Proud of Me God

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Moral Of The Story

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”

Stuck In A Library

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Experience Counts

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Now Kids Involved In Drunk Driving



You Are Too Drunk

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
“No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time — you’re too drunk”

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”

The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn, I must be. The last two places said the same thing!”

Girly Bike



The 15 Greatest Drinking Quotes

These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)

“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns

Getting Your Grammar Correct

A wildlife biology grad student was writing a proposal to get some funding for a mongoose research project. He sat at his computer and typed:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongooses...."

Wait, he thought, that doesn't sound right. So, he backspaced and began again:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongeese...."

Still again, he thought, that just doesn't sound right. He backspaced again, and after thinking for several minutes, he began to type:

"I will attach a radio collar to an adult mongoose. Immediately after the first is attached, I will attach a second collar to another mongoose..."

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