A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. “Look, that’s the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies’ service.
The first one said, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”
The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”
The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!”
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man’s sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven.
“Sir, surely you don’t deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates — and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don’t deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there’s so much more here, why surely….”
The lawyer interrupted, “Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I’ve done some charity in my life as well.”
St. Peter looked in his book and noted,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer looked smug. He replied, “Yes.”
St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,
“Did you see what your Monkey just did?”
“No, what?” asks the man
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy,
“He eats everything in sight, I’m sorry.I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted,
“Did you see what your Monkey did now?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his ass,pulled them out and ate them!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” the guy replied,
“He still eats everything in sight,but ever since he had to shit that cue ball,he measures everything first.”
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied: “Shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, ‘Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life ?’
The wife put down her drink and said, ‘Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.’
Damn!!! Women think of everything!! !
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”
Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”
Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”
Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”
Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”
Tired of trying to wake up early in morning and failing to do so?
Tried every trick in the book to wake up on time?
Always keep snoozing your alarm?
Here is a revolutionary new idea , that will make you jump out of bed every morning...
Hehehehe .... and always dispose off the syringe after use :-)
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Tags: funny morals
- Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
- Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
- "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
- To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
- You want to see if it's like the dream.
- So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
- People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
- Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
- Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
- No one steals your chair.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- People call at 9:00 p.m. and don't think it's strange to ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out!
- You can live without sex (but not your glasses).
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends (because they can't remember them either).
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A man is walking around New York with his wife.
They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, “Like to come home with me, buddy? “
“For how much?” asks the man.
“One hundred dollars,” the hooker answers.
“I’ll give you five bucks,” he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man’s wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, “HA!. see what you get for five bucks?”
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing -- 45 years of misery is enough!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "OK," he says, "They're both coming for Thanksgiving --- and they're paying their own way!"
3 prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed.
They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply “STRAWBERRIES?”
“But they are out of season!”
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.
Every Sunday morning my friend would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive for some bonding time.One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
’Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?’
’Oh yes, Popa’ the girl replied, ‘and do you know what? We didn’t see a single idiot, dumb bastard, dip shit, jack ass, or horse’s ass anywhere we went today!’
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