Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Real Cheap Flat Screen TV

Some Double Meaning Website Names

Site: ChildrenSwear.co.uk (Foul-mouthed British kids?)
Is really: ChildrensWear.co.uk (Clothes for tykes)

Site: 80Shits.com (A huge steaming pile?)
Is really: 80sHits.com (Oldie songs -- now abandoned)

Site: AmIGoneFuneralHome.com (Damn: Am I really gone?!)
Is really: AmigoneFuneralHome.com (Funeral home run by the Amigone Family)

Site: OkAnus.com (I'm comfortable with my butt?)
Is really: OkanUS.com (Okan Japanese restaurant in San Diego, United States)

Site: CarolinaPedo.org (Kid lovers in the Carolinas?)
Is really: CarolinaPedo.org (Carolana Pediatric Dentistry -- which has changed its name to Triangle Pediatric Dentistry, at TrianglePedo.com! Yeah, really!)

Site: ButtHatsNotAll.co.nz (For all your butt hat needs?)
Is really: ButThatsNotAll.co.nz ("As Seen on TV" stuff)

Site: ChoosesPain.com (B&D site?)
Is really: ChooseSpain.com (Spanish tourism site)

Site: ILoveBiGals.com (Appreciation for dames who swing both ways?)
Is really: ILoveBigAls.com (Big Al's Bowling Alleys -- one in Vancouver, and one in Beaverton)

Site: TheOneIllBuilding.com (The worst case of sick building syndrome?)
Is really: TheOneillBuilding.com (The high-rise Hugh O'Neill built)

Site: ViagraFix.com (Buy a little blue pill?)
Was really: ViaGrafix.com (Long-established graphics site, abandoned because of Viagra)

Site: FeedUsCrap.fr (I thought the French demanded good food?)
Is really: FeeDuScrap.fr (French scrapbooking site)


Site: ButtPaste.com (Stick your buns together?)
Is really: ButtPaste.com (Diaper rash ointment)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Be Yourself

Can You Beat That

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”

The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

Sunday, September 26, 2010

What Part Of "I Am Broke" Did You Not Understand

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good  morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…"

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open… ''Don't be too hasty'' he said, ''not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Japanese Prank

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
  • She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
  • “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
  • “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.
  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
  • “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..” - Oscar Wilde
  • “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  • “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Morning Quotes

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code”

“I always give 100% at work:13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday”

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Top 10 Signs You Hired Wrong Kid

  1. He charges you by the leaf.
  2. Keeps asking where he should plug in the rake.
  3. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese and eats them.
  4. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline.
  5. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with your rake?"
  6. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch.
  7. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial.
  8. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay."
  9. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those 'Home Alone" movies.
  10. His motto: "Rake a leaf, do a shot."

Friday, September 17, 2010

Drivers Exam

California supposedly has the best drivers -- but there are always exceptions.

These are supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Sorry, Didn't Have Enough Time To Buy Stamps

Thursday, September 16, 2010

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