Saturday, October 30, 2010

Top 20 Dumb Blonde Jokes

1. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

2: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

3. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

4. What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An in-body experience!

5. What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

6. Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.

7. How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

8. How do dumb blonde braincells die?

9. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A number of people claim to have seen a Bigfoot.

10. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

11. What do you call a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?

12. Where does a blonde hemophiliac go for medical treatment?
An acupuncturist.

13. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

14. Why do blondes drive VW's?
Because none of them can spell Porsche.

15. How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't -- they're born that way.

16. How many blondes does it take to play tag?

17. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell -- she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

18. What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?
No matter how often you hear about them, you never see one.

19: What do you call a blonde with a 50 I.Q.?

20. Why do blondes have square boobs?
No one told them to take the tissues out of the box first.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Brain Vs Girlfriend

Harry was waiting for his love ....

"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?", his brain advised.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Caroline comes with the cutest smile and says "I'm sorry honey .. I was shopping for shoes .. totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

Harry ignored his brain .. "It's OK honey .. its only half an hour . no problem"

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought Harry .....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts .. parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Caroline stared at Harry .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Da**mn!!", thought Harry

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

Harry is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?".. said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory.. I guess I can't recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... it's my doggy's birthday"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

Harry was dumbfounded.

"What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... don't worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ..brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity .... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Harry.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday ..

how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise ...

"HUH!!!!!!! ........ Doggy is the name of my cat you je**rk"

She stood up angrily and left.

Harry and his brain were left there clueless.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Wit of Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
--Ronald Reagan

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
--Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
--Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
--Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
--Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
--Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
--Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
--Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
--Ronald Reagan

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
--Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
--Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
--Ronald Reagan

Friday, October 22, 2010

Some Oneliners To Kick Start Your Day With A Smile

  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.        
  2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.                                        
  3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.                                   
  4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.                                                   
  5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.                                            
  6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me                                           
  7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.                                                         
  8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.                                                     
  9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.                                         
  10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.                                                           
  11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.                                                   
  12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.                                                 
  13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?                                                  
  14. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!                                       
  15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.                               
  16. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.                                                              
  17. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.                                       
  18. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!                                                    
  19. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.                                      
  20. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.                                             
  21. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.            
  22. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.                     
  23. The trouble with life is there's no background music.                                           
  24. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.                                    
  25. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.                                         

Computer Wisdom

We've all seen the Bill Gates line(though he denies saying it.), "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?

  • "A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." --Joseph Campbell
  • "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe
  • "A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs." --Solomon Short
  • "All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." --IBM maintenance manual, 1925
  • "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." --Pablo Picasso
  • "Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." --Sam Ewing
  • "Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins." --Robert Heinlein (in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
  • "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis
  • "It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods." --Geraldine Ferraro
  • "Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun
  • "No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either." --Marvin Minsky
  • "One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." --Jack Handey
  • "There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." --J.H. Goldfuss
  • "They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction." --Janet Reno
  • "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." --Nathaniel Borenstein
  • "To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so." --Robert Orben
  • "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --Gene Spafford
  • "Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!" --Homer Simpson

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Just In Case You Weren’t Feeling Too Old Today

  • The  people who are starting college this fall were born in  1991. 
  • They are too young to  remember the space shuttle blowing up. 
  • Their lifetime has always included  AIDS. 
  • The CD was  introduced two years before they were born.   
  • They have always had an answering  machine. 
  • They have always had  cable. 
  • Popcorn has always been  microwaved. 
  • They never took a swim  and thought about Jaws. 
  • They don’t  know who Mork was or where he was from.   
  • They never heard, “Where’s the Beef?”,  “I’d walk a mile for a Camel ,” or “de plane, Boss, de  plane.”
  • They don’t  have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Think Before You Flirt Out

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hide And Seek

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.

He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it rightin front of Einstein...........

Einsteins counting......

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newtons out..newtons....out....."

Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims tht he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out and he proves tht he is not newton..........


His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square.....
That means i am Newton per meter square......Hence i am Pascal....since newton per meter square = Pascal

Happiest Day Of Your life

“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle.

“I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle.

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How’s Your Day Going

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. “

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Men Never Give Up , Or They Never Admit It

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I Don't Know The Answer

Two star college football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.  After a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again.  They took the test, and turned it in.

The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests.  She checked over the first test, then over the second test.  Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated.

"How?" the coach demanded.

The teacher showed him answer number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test.  The answer read 'I don't know.'

"That proves nothing." said the coach.

So the teacher handed him the second test.  The answer to number 6 read 'I don't know either.'

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Math Major Pick-Up Lines

  • You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
  • Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
  • My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
  • Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  • Wanna come back to my room....and see my 733mhz Pentium?
  • You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
  • Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
  • I wish I was your derivative because then I would be tangent to your curves.
  • I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect you and union you.
  • Would you like to see my log?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Memorable Words of Politicians

In the old days -- the time of our parents and grandparents -- politicians said memorable things like "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" (FDR) and "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." (Winston Churchill).

What do our generation's politicians give us? Well....

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--Mayor David Dinkins of New York City, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
--Congressman Joe Early, at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
--President Richard Nixon

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, D.C.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
--Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
--President George W. Bush

Geography Exam

These are supposedly answers to grade school and high school geography exams. Whether that's true or not, they are plenty funny!
  • Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
  • The people of Japan ride around in jig-saws.
  • The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx.
  • Lindberg is the capital of Germany.
  • The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo.
  • The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies.
  • Don Juan is a town in the West Indies.
  • Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing else to do, so they make lots and lots of factories.
  • Where is Alaska? Alaska is not in Canada.
  • Spain's national music is the cascarets.
  • What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.
  • In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.
  • In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas.
  • The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
  • Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
  • When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.
  • Where is the greater part of Europe? In New York.
  • The principal export of Sweden is hired girls.
  • The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.
  • Among the enduring remains of Egyptian civilization are pyramids and obsequies.
  • The writing of ancient Egypt was called hydraulics.
  • Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.
  • The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.
  • The Greeks wore scandals on their feet.
  • In what general direction to the rivers of France flow? From the source to the mouth.
  • The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
  • Manhattan island was bought from the Indians for about $24, and now I don't suppose you could buy it for $500.
  • The United States are mostly populated by people.
  • The State of Virginia was named for the Virgin Mary, who afterward married Captain John Smith.
  • What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.
  • Canadians raise boll weevils for their wool.
  • Where is Cincinnati? First place in the National League.
  • Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.
  • Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado.
  • They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.
  • The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.
  • Virginia is the mother of President Wilson and is also noted for her hysterical sights.
  • The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.
  • Philistines were inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.
  • The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons.
  • New Zealand is a democratic country. they passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories.
  • Malays are brown generally and inhabit Malaria.
  • The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
  • The Kaffirs of Africa are a very savage race. In times of war they beat their tum-tums and can be heard for miles around.
  • The American Indians travel in birchbark canoes on little streams of water that they make themselves.
  • The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.
  • The soil of Prussia was so poor that the people had to work hard just to stay on top.
  • The Mason line is the line running north of the Equator and the Dixon line is south.
  • In the west, farming is done mostly by irritating the land.
  • Oceania is a continent that contains no land.
  • There is a great deal of nothing in the center of Australia.
  • Asked to name six animals peculiar to Arctic regions, a boy replied, "Three bears and three seals."
  • Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.
  • Latitude tells how hot you are and longitude tells how cold you are.
  • The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge.
  • Sienna is famous for being burnt.
  • The climate of Bombay is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  • The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
  • The trade of Spain is small, owing to the insolence of the people.
  • The Eskimos are God's frozen people.
  • The sun sets in the west and hurries around to the east to be in time to rise the next morning.
  • Name three animals peculiar to frigid regions. The lion and the giraffe and the elephant are peculiar to frigid regions, but the polar bear and the seal and the walrus live there.
  • People go to Africa to hunt rhinostriches.
  • Glaciers spread a murrain over the land.
  • The highest peak in the Alps is the Blanc Mange.
  • The Equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth and through Africa.
  • Imports are ports very far inland.
  • Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago.
  • The chief occupation of Perth is Dying.
  • The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
  • The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
  • A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.
  • An Indian Reservation consists of a mile of land for every five square Indians.
  • The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses.
  • Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges.
  • Lipton is the capital of Ceylon.
  • The population of London is a bit too thick.
  • Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr.
  • The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal.
  • New York is behind Greenwich time because America was not discovered until very much later.
  • Henry VIII had an abyss on his knee which made walking difficult.
  • Certain areas of Egypt are cultivated by irritation.
  • Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there.
  • A watershed is a shed in the middle of the ocean where ships shelter during a storm.

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