An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Tags: funny morals
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
“What are you doing?” She asked .
“Hunting Flies” He responded ..
“Oh. ! Killing any?” She asked .
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied .
Intrigued , she asked . “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded ,
3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee!
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF!
Tags: funny lists
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a back rub.
"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
Tags: marriage jokes
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Tags: Funny Facts
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!
Note : This is a humor site , nothing serious about it :)
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:
50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.
People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.
The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action!).
Now do you understand?
A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score again.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?"
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."
I went into the Job Centre in Sydney and saw a card advertising for A Gynaecologist’s Assistant.
“Can you give me some more details about this?” I ask the girl behind The desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.
“Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for The gynaecologist who specializes in young trendy patients.”
“You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie Them down and gently wash their “nether regions”. Then apply shaving Foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing Lubricating oils to that area so they’re ready for the gynaecologist’s Examination.”“There’s a starting annual salary of 60K per annum, but you’re Going to have to go to Newcastle, that’s where the end of the queue is”
- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
- This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Tags: Funny Sayings
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and Developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the Temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and Instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, Turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he Offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they Wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ On the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was No way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 Million and that just their first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show—Low, Norm, Hi, and Max— On the controls.
Tags: funny story
Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects
Prof. of Comp. Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable
Tags: twisted meanings
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Tags: Funny Questions
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.
- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
- Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
- The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
- The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
- An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
- All's well that ends.
- A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
- The first myth of management is that it exists.
- A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
- New systems generate new problems.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Tags: funny laws
Gavin was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.
Meandering in the cold, Gavin decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo. Getting home at long last, Gavin put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Nom nom. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Gavin returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Gavin grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.
Returning to his abode, Gavin started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked,
"You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
At work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I
have an exam next week.
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses
you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses,
you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you
would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night
courses, you would know.
Rule: There are some things more important in life than Work n
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well....?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,slim, tall,38D breast, 24” waist,34” hips. When she walks into a room people say, “Oh My God.”
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, then down into the basement. Then, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer — We'd both still be alive!
A farmer hears a knock at his door late one winter’s night. He opens his door, looks around and looks down and there, at his doorstep, is a snail. The snail says, “Can I come in, I’m really coooooold?” The Farmer says, “No, get outta here you stupid snail,” and kicks him across the garden. Spring comes, then summer then fall and before you know it, it’s winter again…
The farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, looks around and sees that same snail from last year, who says, “Why did you do that for?”
Tags: Short Joke
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you git that truck?”
“Tammie give it to me.” Bubba replied.
“She give it to ya?
I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,’Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
Tags: crazy people
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Tags: Short Joke
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ ‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every stick and branch.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied,’ It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood’.
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning,before my brain figures out what I'm doing….
- I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound.Apparently you have to go there….
- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……just getting over the hill.
- We all get heavier as we get older,because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.’
The man looks around and doesn’t See anyone.
Again, he hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.’
He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
’Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
’Ribbit Lucky frog.’
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
’What do you think frog?’
The man asks.
’Ribbit 3 wood.’
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one..
The man is befuddled and doesn’t know What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
’OK where to next?’The frog replies,’Ribbit Las Vegas ..
’ They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
’OK frog, now What?’
The frog says, ‘Ribbit Roulette.’
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
’What do you think I should Bet?’
The frog replies,
’Ribbit $3000, black 6.’
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man Figures what the heck.
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says, ’Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.’
The frog replies,’Ribbit KissMe.’
He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
’And that,your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big bass, too!A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.
Tags: drunk jokes
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"
He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."
- Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
- Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
- Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
- Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
- Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
- Hit strangers with your flutter board.
- Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
- Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."
- Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
- Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."
- Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
- Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"
- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
- Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
- Hit strangers with your wet towel.
- Throw people's things into the pool.
- Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
Tags: funny lists
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there’s something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.
8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.
9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.
10. Tylenol… Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!
11. Do shopping with clothes on.
12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Tags: teacher jokes
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, ‘It’s certainly not a ship.’ As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,’Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?’
‘Ten years,’ replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. ‘Faith and begorrah,’ said the castaway, ‘that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !’
‘And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?’ asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, ‘Ten years.’
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. ‘Tis nectar of the gods!’ shouted the Irishman. ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!’
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you played around?’
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too?’
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
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Or else get a proper crack :)