Government Job

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth man was a government employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, 'What
can your cat do?'

The government employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR
THE GOVERNMENT!!

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Anyhting To Pass Exam

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

Thats How Magic Is Done


We Are Moving



No Time To Buy Gifts

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late, I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.”

“Not to worry,” said the dad… “The important thing is that we’re all here together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “you and Mom still look great Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present…sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.”

Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”

Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but…we just never found the time to get married.”

The three kids gasp and said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the dad. “and cheap ones too!”


Just Married






Real Life Dilbert Type Manager

A magazine recently ran a ‘Dilbert Quotes’ contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’ (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’ (Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’ (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’ (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’ (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’ (R supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’ (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,’That would be better for me.’
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’ (Switching supervisor, AT Long Lines Division)


That's Good That's Bad

Did you hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."

Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors` houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, `I need a good guard dog.`

And the clerk replied, `Sorry, we`re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.`

The wife didn`t believe him so he said to the dog, `Karate that chair.`

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, `Karate that table.` The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said `Karate my ass!`?

Is Computer Male Or Femal ?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, 'What gender is a computer?'

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

That Explains A Lot Of Things

crow-hierarchy-shit-falling-on-lower-workers

Wish I Had A Cap



Party Time???

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Valid Reason

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Clever Turtle

Once there were three turtles.
One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Finding A Suitable Girl...


Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

What Women Want

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall,exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.

On one condition Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'


The woman considered his proposition for a moment,and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said…

'Clean my house.'

Cat Scan - Now I Get It



Catholic Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Bottle Of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No.. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever n smart creations of God.
Don't mess with them.

Mexican Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, “Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?” Al replied, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?” and the waiter said, “I don’t know Senor, I’ll ask the cooks.” He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said “No sir, no Mexican Jews.”

Al wasn’t really satisfied with that and asked, “Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with “Gringos” gave the expected answer, “I will check again,Senor! “ and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returned and said “Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews.” “Are you certain?” Al asked once again. “I can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”

“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replied the exasperated waiter, “All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews,Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.”

Black Barbie Price-Cut Raises Eyebrows



Starting Young Have Many Advantages



Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,




If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,




If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,




If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,




If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,




If you can take criticism and blame without resentment




If you can conquer tension without medical help,




If you can relax without liquor,




If you can sleep without the aid of drugs


...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!







And you thought I was going to get all spiritual!

Something Good To Eat

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''

Check Presence Of Lift Before Entering Lift



Killed A Bird With A Stone

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Double Sided Car



Touching Speech

There were 11 women hanging onto a rope that was hanging down a cliff. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should let go because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette thought to herself, "I'll let go."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would let go, all of the blondes started clapping.

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') -- 'You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm
not fishing. I'm reading'…

’Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry,
officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the
woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but
you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Become A Fan



Clever Women

At a country club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately she began flattering him outrageously.

The guy liked the young lady, but was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent pitch. He was amazed when after 30 minutes she seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” he said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” she smiled. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the back of the bank where you have your account."

"I know all I need to know about you."

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty



Getting Even With IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay.. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops…

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

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