- 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
- You carry an umbrella.
- You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.
- You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.
- You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
- You go to the pharmacy for Asprin and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.
- A £2.50 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.
- You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You always know where you are when you wake up.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Chum instead of McDonald"s.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
- You hit me with the truth;but I think a bus would have hurt less
- I want to be your favorite HeLlO and your hardest GoOdByE
- Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward my life to see if it was worth it all in the end...
- Save an Egg Crack a Smile!
- Everything you want..comes after you stop looking for it
- It's a complicated emotion::I think I'd miss you, even if we never met
- Having the love of your life break up with you and say, "We can still be friends" Is like your dog dying and your mom saying,"You can still keep it."
- It's NEVER a mistake to care for someone...
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Pass this on to all who are STILL employed!
Tags: Office Jokes
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
“It’s really, really you, grandmother?”, the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."
So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
- You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
- You press the already lit elevator button.
- You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
- You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
- You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
- You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
- You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
- You send out your resume on cute stationery.
- You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
- You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.
Tags: funny lists
- He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland
- My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys." ~Harmon Killebrew
- One father is more than a hundred Schoolemasters. ~George Herbert, Outlandish Proverbs, 1640
- Father! - to God himself we cannot give a holier name. ~William Wordsworth
- A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~Author Unknown
- When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. ~Mark Twain
- Dad, you're someone to look up to no matter how tall I've grown. ~Author Unknown
- Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~Red Buttons
- I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter
- Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again. ~Jimmy Piersal
List of all posts published in May. Checkout if you missed any :)
- Human Hurdle
- Good That You Took Train
- Double Trouble!
- Responsible Pilot
- OutSourcing Love
- The Mouse Was Stinking
- Smoking Crows
- Fighter Jets???
- One More Time And ....
- When You Have To Go, You Can Stay
- It's Time You Tell Your Kids About Sex
- Funny Mugs
- Innocent Journal
- Dumb Signboard
- Another Blonde Joke
- Hearing Problem ?
- Stay Protected
- No Drop Should Go Waste
- Sharing My Mug
- These Need To Be Written
- Just Do it!
- Trapping A Mouse???
- Getting Married In Heaven
- Perfect Excuse To Avoid Speeding Ticket
- I Am Here!
- No Light No Work
- Marching With Fun
- Fifa Rocks!
- Build Strong Teeth
- Why Our Great-Grandparents Were Happier Than We Ar...
- Under Innovation
- Male Brain v/s Female Brain...
- Things I Learned From Movies
- Another Useless Sign
- Dead Duck
- Keep Your Mouth Shut
- Don't Mess With Old Guys
- Amateur Photographer
- Having A Bath
- Flat Tyre
- Happy Hippo
- Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
- Walking Down The Aisle
- What Kids Know About The Ocean
- Funny Unattended Children Signs
- Dog Quotes
- Don't Text While You Drive
- Family Planning
Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker. He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.
Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule, that had taken care of the miner. It had become somewhat of an historical site.
Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but didn't notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions. The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"
"Sure," replied the old man. "You're right on the edge of My Ass."
The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else. He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street. He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."
The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You're right smack dab in the middle of My Ass!"
At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant. He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.
The waitress walked over and asked, "What'll you have stranger?"
The man replied, "I think I'll have the crab platter."
The waitress replied, "I'm sorry sir, we're all out of crabs. My husband looked all over My Ass last night and didn't find but two and we ate them."
A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back.
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Tags: naghty jokes
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- You can't have everything, where would you put it?
- The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Tags: Famous Quotes
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Tags: old people
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, give me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.“Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Tags: old people
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
’Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
‘Actually, no,’ he replied.
’Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. ‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender.. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
’Yes, I need you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
’What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.
’Tell him,’ she whispered, ‘there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
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