A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
“About two hours,” says the conductor.
“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?”
The irate conductor says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours, laddie. Why’d ya think there’d be a difference?”
“Well,” says the drunk, “it’s only a week between Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s a helluva long time between New Year’s and Christmas!”
Tags: drunk jokes
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That’s the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."
God smiled, "There’s Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
Tags: marriage jokes
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story.
He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said,
"I'm that man. I was in Vegas in 1992. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?”
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?”
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?”
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?”
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said “You’re so smart, you tell me!
An artist, an architect and an engineer are asked if they'd rather have a wife or a mistress.
The artist replies "Man, I'd take a mistress, ya know? nothing tied down, no commitment. yeah, a mistress is the way to go."
The architect replies "Well, I think I would have to say I'd prefer a wife. I'd like to start a family and build on that foundation."
The engineer replies "I'd like to have both. That way each of them would think I was with the other and I could go down to the office and get some work done."
Tags: Software Engineer
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde Mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue suit.
She gives the blonde Mortician a blank cheque and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the blonde Mortician, ‘whatever this cost, I am very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I am very grateful. How much did you spend ?’
To her astonishment, the blonde Mortician presents her with the blank cheque. There is no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.’
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says,’it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice . . .
SO - I just switched the heads.’
( Bet you didn’t see that one coming)
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Tags: funny letters
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’
Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’
Tags: old people
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
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Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.
However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.
He lifted up the cow’s tail and called out, “Hey lady, does this look like yours?”
That’s when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.
Tags: Short Joke
Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?' My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.
Tags: marriage jokes
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