Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Facebook Maid

Owner to Maid: You Are Useless !!!.. Why didn’t you come last week? And that too without informing me?

Maid: Madam... I had updated my Facebook status as "Will be out of town for a week..". Sir knows it.He even commented "Come soon... Miss U!!"

How To Kill An Ant ?

Question asked in exam

Q.How to Kill an Ant?
Student:- Mix a Chilli Powder with Sugar and keep it outside the ant’s hole. After eating the sugar coated chilli power, ant will go in search of Water. When ant go for water, push ant into it…!  After getting wet, ant will go near fire to dry itself.. When it reaches near fire, throw a bomb into the fire and admit the wounded ant into ICU. When ant is in ICU, remove the Oxygen mask from its mouth and kill the ant.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You Can't Cheat Death

True Love

A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”

She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”

Secret To Happy Married Life

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger”

Wife: “I’ll clean the toliet bowl.”
Husband:”How does that help?”

Wife:”I use your tooth brush.”

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Marriage Vows : For Good Or For Worse

Q&A For Old Peoples

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..


Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

Monday, March 21, 2011

I Am Not Coming Out Till Monday Is Over

Traffic Camera

A man was driving through town, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Don't Use Mobile While Driving

Look What You Did

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Planning Vacation : Don't Forget Camera Backup

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Last Wish

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.”

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Best World Series Tickets

A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".

"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"

Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

10 .. 9 ...8 ....1 Here I Come

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

10 Funny Comedy Movies 2010

These ten funny comedy movies of 2010 provide plenty of laughs. The movies below include buddy comedies, raunchy humor films and romantic comedies that are guy-friendly. If you need a more light-hearted night, grab one of these films.

  1. “Get Him to the Greek.” Russell Brand plays a hard drinking, bad boy musician who needs to get from England to Hollywood in time for a concert. Jonas Hill plays the struggling assistant who must transport him. Everything goes wrong in this funny comedy movie of 2010.
  2. “The Other Guys.” In this buddy cop movie, Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg play mismatched police officers who find themselves forced to work together. As they attempt to uncover a local conspiracy, the two slowly develop a bond through constant banter and ridiculous antics.
  3. “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.” Michael Cera returns as himself to win over a girl who happens to have an abnormal number of ex-boyfriends. He ends up having to battle each one in a superhero, comic book style fights that make this a funny comedy movie of 2010.
  4. “Jackass 3D.” This movie doesn’t really have a script, but it sure is funny. It features Johnny Knoxville and the gang performing what they do best, unbelievably stupid stunts.
  5. “Love and Other Drugs.” The movie may be a romantic comedy, but this funny comedy movie of 2010 also has some good sex scenes mixed in with a love story. Jake Gyllenhaal plays an unscrupulous pharmaceutical salesman who engages in a casual affair with a woman played by Anne Hathaway.
  6. “Easy A.” Emma Stone is cute as can be in this funny comedy movie from 2010. She plays a typical high schooler who does some nerds a favor by claiming to have slept with them. The event starts a chain reaction of rumors in this smart high school comedy.
  7. “Date Night.” Steve Carell and Tina Fey have comedic magic as a married couple who decide to spice their relationship up with a romantic date night. Romance goes down the drain when they’re mistaken for a wanted couple.
  8. “Kick-Ass.” This superhero story contains just as much humor as action. A squad of pre-teens and teens don vibrantly colored get-ups to fight crime and cuss. This funny comedy movie of 2010 also features a memorable performance by Nicolas Cage.
  9. “Due Date.” Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis star as an unlikely pair stuck on a road trip together. Downey needs to make it to his child’s birth and faces constant delays in this funny comedy from 2010. Expect appearances from Jamie Foxx and Danny McBride.
  10. “Toy Story 3.” This film is not just a heartwarming kid's movie, but also a very funny comedy movie from 2010. Woody and Buzz Lightyear return as toys who end up stuck in a daycare center and are forced to find a way out.


Lost In Translation

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.

Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.

They didn’t want that in the book, but they didn’t want to leave him out either.

McCourt said, “Leave it to me.”

When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:

“He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock.”

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Little Johny Strikes Back

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my a*s."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his a*s!"

"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

Office Money Prank

Friday, March 11, 2011

Everything's Free In Here

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I Don't Talk To Boys

Boy: Hi
Girl: What
Boy: How r u..
Girl: Do i know u..
Boy: I m Rich..
Gril: Oh!!.. I'm Ann 18 years old !!. do you wanna go out..?
And by the way.. i like ur hair.. ;)

Boy: My name is Rich , what u do..?
Girl: Sorry... I don't talk to boys.. ;)).

Monday, March 7, 2011

Liars Are Worthless

It was a nice weekend, so John spent the morning driving around looking for yard sales. After just a few minutes looking, he spots a sign posted in someone's yard that reads "Talking Dog For Sale."

Interested in what this might actually be, John knocks on the door. The owner calmly tells him the dog is in the backyard. So he goes back there, and sees a German Shepherd sitting there next to a small doghouse.

"You talk?" John asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies. Much to John's surprise!

"Umm, yeah... so, what's the deal. How can you talk? What's your story?"

The Golden Retriever looks upward with the most sincere eyes and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

John is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Innovative Cheats

Black Eye Johny

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

  1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
  2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
  3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
  4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
  5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
  8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
  11. I've run away to join a different circus.
  12. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

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