Monday, August 29, 2011

How To Impress A Girl ?

An older guy was working out at the gym. He was not in very good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room. She was gorgeous!

He finally caught the trainer's eye and motioned him over.

"Can I help you?" the buff expert asked.

"Yeah," the graying, paunchy, guy said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. "That girl over there...."

The trainer takes a quick look. "Ah, Ramona. She's in great shape, eh?"

"Yeah," the guy says, puffing. "What machine in this place should I use to impress her?"

"There's only one machine that could possibly work, if you're up to it," the trainer said.

"What!?" the sweaty flab-master demanded.

"The ATM in the lobby."

Why Did You Have To Die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Funny Art

$3.50 Popcorn

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Rules Are Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

High Five With A Twist

Are Boys Stronger Than Girls ?

Boy: Boys are stronger than girls.

Girl: Oh! Please, can you carry a 7 pound baby in your belly for 9 months? Can you cook, clean and talk on the phone at the same time? Can you walk all day in 5 inch heels? Can you cry all night then wake up the next morning like everything is okay??

Remember guys, woman are only helpless until their nail polish dries :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Happiest Day Of Your life

“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle.

“I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle.

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Do You Know Me ?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Monday, August 22, 2011

Why Do You Keep Coming Back

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, really irritated.

"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."

Being British

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Matter Of Perspective

Her Diary Entry:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone.

His Journal Entry:

Played badly today -- shot 97. Couldn't putt to save my life! Felt kind of tired. Got laid though.

Friday, August 19, 2011

How Life Changed With Technology

Caution : Men At Work

Never Be Late For A Meeting

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Funny Pictures Of The Day

10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Thank You For Not Throwing

Parents Need To Communicate

A woman and her son were in the doctors surgery one day when her son leapt out of his chair and shouted: “MOM! I want to go for a piss!”. Embarrassed she quickly took her son to the toilet and helped relieve him. The next day at the supermarket the same thing happened. The boy screamed to go for another piss. All the other customers stared at her. Again, looking sheepish she took him to the loo.
At home she told her son “You’ve really got to stop saying you need to go for a piss. It’s really rude. Why don’t you say “I want to sing a song” instead? Don’t worry I’ll know what you mean. ” A little confused the boy agrees to do as his mother has asked.
A couple of days later they’re in the library together when says “MOM! I want to sing a song!”, his mother happily takes him to the restroom. That weekend, the boy spends the night with his father. The boy wakes up in the middle of the night and tells his father “Dad, I want to sing a song!”. The dad replies sleepily “What? At this hour? Don’t be silly”. The boy says “But I really want to sing!”. The father says angrily ” But you’ll wake the neighbors!”. The boy begins to cry and the father relents ” (sigh) Ok. Ok. If you really want to, you can sing quietly into my ear”

Monday, August 15, 2011

Daily Funny Pictures

You're A Big Boy, Johny !

Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Why So Late ?

An old couple comes up before the judge in a divorce proceeding. Seeing how absolutely ancient they are, the judge just has to ask their ages.

"Well, your honor," the old man says, "I'm 99 and my wife here is 97."

"Wow," the judge says. "How long have you been married?"

"I married Pearl three days after she turned sixteen, so that would be a little over 81 years."

"Eighty-one years?!" the judge said, incredulous.

"Eighty-one years of pure torture," the old man corrects.

The judge is stunned. "If it was 81 years of pure torture, why didn't you file for divorce sooner?"

"Well, your honor," the gentleman says, "I guess we have to admit it: we were waiting for the kids to die."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Funny Pics From Around The Worlds

A Real Lady

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Thursday, August 11, 2011

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