Monday, October 31, 2011

Need A Hand Saw

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." 

Difference Between Girl's And Boy's Facebook Profile

Everybody Has Their Own Way Of Committing Suicide

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

  1. When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker"
  2. When the elevator doors shut, assuringly say, "It's ok, they will open up again!"
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
  5. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  8. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  9. Meow occasionally.
  10. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  11. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  12. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  13. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  14. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  15. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  16. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  17. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  18. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Friday, October 21, 2011

Exams Are Always Fair

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why Girls Crop Photos ?

So, You Want A Raise ?

Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Reason For Failure

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

The Day When We First Met

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Don't Mess With Women

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Heaven Upgrade

What Girls Want

I don't need any car
I don't need a bungalow
I don't need servants
I don't need branded clothes "N"
I don't need hi class food either
I don't need jewelry

but I just need a " SINCERE " life partner


Who can provide me all this...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

iPhone, iPod or iPad

Boss ! Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Advantages Of A Gun Over Girlfriend

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at g.f. home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

Facebook Can Wait

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

It's easier to see why men are happier than women -- at least, from their point of view. One woman's list:
  1. Your last name stays put.
  2. The garage is all yours.
  3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  4. Chocolate is just another snack.
  5. You can be president.
  6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  8. The world is your urinal.
  9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
  10. Same work, more pay.
  11. Wrinkles add character.
  12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
  13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  16. One mood all the time.
  17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  18. You know stuff about tanks.
  19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  20. You can open all your own jars.
  21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  22. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  23. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  24. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  26. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
  27. You almost never have strap problems in public.
  28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  30. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  31. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  33. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  34. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  35. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Ring The Door Bell And Run

Lost My Ring

A police officer saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"I dropped my ring and I'm looking for it," replied the blonde.

After helping the woman look for her ring, the officer thought to ask,

"Are you sure you dropped it right right here?"

"No," she responded, "I dropped it about two blocks away."

"Then why the heck are we looking for it here?" asked the agitated officer.

"Because the light's better here," said the blonde.

Unspoken Communication

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