I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”
Tags: Short Joke
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Tags: crazy people
When the guy came to his senses, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “*@#$! you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”
The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”
The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”
The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”
The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”
The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”
Ross and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Ross didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Ross hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Ross lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ross, but one day, Sam approached the park and—lo and behold!—there sat Ross! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Ross, what in the world happened to you?’ Ross replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’
‘Well,’ Ross said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde nurse at the Doctor’s office where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.
‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
Tags: old people
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, “OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median.”
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, “How do you spell ‘median’?”
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, “Head on the road.”
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
" Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're an Employee. "
- Spend more time watching TV/movies.
- Chat more over the internet.
- Read less.
- Put on at least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Procrastinate more.
- Drink. Drink some more.
- Start being superstitious.
- Spend more time at work. Get less done.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!
Tags: funny lists
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Hope all your problems are as short lived as your New Year Resolutions ..:)
Have a rocking 2011.
Listing all the posts made in 2010, more coming in 2011
- Fun Theory : The World's Deepest Bin
- Overspeeding Maniac
- One Dark And Stormy Night
- Artist In Making
- What's The Point
- Secret Of Healthy Married Life : Honesty
- Wishing All Reader Merry Christmas And A Happy New...
- The Four Stages of Life
- Crocodile's Family Album
- Best Insurance Company
- Customer Is King
- Christmas Jokes Links
- Way To Man's Heart
- Senior Texting Codes
- You Can't Win This Argument Mr Lawyer
- Once Bitten, Twice Shy
- Early Warning
- Can You Explain This To Me ?
- Prime Parking Spot
- Looking For New Accountant
- Looks Can Be Deceptive
- Close Shave
- Original Sin
- Women Think Of Everything
- Mistakes In Life
- White Or Red Christmas
- ALBD Disorder
- Car In Heaven
- Need A Car Dad
- Finally - A Sure Shot Way To Wakeup Early
- Looking Outside The Window
- No Discounts For Senior Citizens
- Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
- Monday Is Back :-( :-( :-(
- Good Things About Getting Older
- Work From Home
- Bear Hunting
- Appraisal Time : How Normalization Process Works
- 5 Bucks
- Happy Thanksgiving
- Submarine Battle
- Prisoners Of War
- Skateboarding Parakeets
- Captain Bravo
- How To Overcome Shortage In Police Department
- Magic Elevators
- Don't Like My Driving? Email Me
- Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
- The 25 Funniest Defaced Billboards Of All Time
- A Fun Idea Is What It Takes To Change Bad Habbits
- How To Pick A Winning Horse ?
- Clever Judge. But You Still Can't Beat The Lawyer
- New Low Cost Alternative For Baby Diapers
- GED Examination Q&A
- How Men And Women Use Same Joke To Their Advantge
- Be Careful What You Wish For
- Monday Blues Are Back
- Musical Toilets
- Top 20 Dumb Blonde Jokes
- Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention
- Brain Vs Girlfriend
- The Wit of Ronald Reagan
- You Know Your Time's Worth In Office When ....
- The Great Currency War
- Some Oneliners To Kick Start Your Day With A Smile...
- Computer Wisdom
- Just In Case You Weren’t Feeling Too Old Today
- Think Before You Flirt Out
- Hide And Seek
- Happiest Day Of Your life
- He Went That Way
- How’s Your Day Going
- Men Never Give Up , Or They Never Admit It
- I Don't Know The Answer
- Entry - Exit
- Math Major Pick-Up Lines
- Memorable Words of Politicians
- Geography Exam
- The Baby Prank
- Real Cheap Flat Screen TV
- Some Double Meaning Website Names
- Be Yourself
- Can You Beat That
- What Part Of "I Am Broke" Did You Not Understand
- Japanese Prank
- When Insults Had Class
- Honest Lawyer
- Monday Morning Quotes
- Top 10 Signs You Hired Wrong Kid
- Not Falling For That One
- Drivers Exam
- Sorry, Didn't Have Enough Time To Buy Stamps
- List Of All Posts Made On This Blog
- Be Straight With Me
- Removing Dents The Blonde Way
- Friendly Advice From Friendly People
- Nice Job Done - Now How The Hell Are We Getting Ou...
- Bang On Target
- Thats Some Magic Trick
- Job Interview - You Passed The Test, Not
- Fun Things To Do While Driving (At Your Own Risk)
- Never Ever Use The 'F' Word Infront Of Kids
- Most Awful Time
- Elderly Men Think Fast
- Times When I Get Scared
- People Just Love President Obama
- Short Jokes
- Smoking Is Injurious To Health, Even Cats Know Tha...
- Not Enough Water To Commit Suicide Yet ?
- A Dollar Is All You Need
- No Parking Sign ?
- Family That Drives Together Stay Together
- Drunk Irishman
- Latest Office Safety Device
- God's Balancing Act
- Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
- Public Shower
- The Mistress
- Am Not Lazy... I Just....
- American Football - Pick Me
- Smart Game Warden
- Geek Meditation Session
- Engineers Have Different Priorities
- The Blonde Mortician
- Arab Students Letter To His Dad
- Funny Bloopers
- A Professional Love Letter
- Why Do Old People Jump Red Light ?
- We Can Repair Anything
- Problem And Their Solutions
- Feeding Baby Turtles
- I Don't Mind Answering The Question
- You Are What You Eat
- 13 X 7 = 28
- July'10 Archive
- New Tetris
- Avoid Using Shortcuts
- Perfect Golf Shot
- Do You Know Me ?
- Coming Soon , Hand Free Texting
- Best Way To Spend $6000
- This Makes Perfect Sense
- Screw Working If Boss Ain't Looking
- The Institution of Marriage
- June'10 Archive
- Things NOT to Say to a Cop
- Pack Your Kids
- True Facts Of Life
- A Real Bad Day
- Stuck In Traffic ? Try Yoga
- Nasty Golf Shot
- Have To Get Up In Morning
- Blow Horn If Angry
- Last Hope Of Saving Gulf Of Mexico
- The Lie-detecting Robot
- World's Most Amazing Shoe Designs
- Missing Cycle
- Bizarre Insurance Claim
- Cheers To Alcohol
- The Drinks On Me
- Things That Change After College
- Helping Hand
- Going Metro : Carry Your Own Chair
- BMW In Afganistan
- Amazing Love Quotes
- New Office Policy
- Extra Safety
- Engineering Mind : Using Iron For Heating
- Want To Learn English ? Hire A Psychic
- Size Don't Matter
- Proof Of Love
- World Cup Is Boring
- Pull, Buddy Pull
- Eating Apple
- Glowing Apple
- Want My Space
- Worst Job
- Answering Logically
- 10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot
- Selling Art
- Three Majesties :)
- Father's Day Quotes
- Diana Alive???
- Kids Store
- May'10 Archive
- R.I.P. "My Ass"
- Being Like Both Parents :)
- Locked Cycle???
- Eating Is My Priority - Eatingmania
- Two Love Birds???
- No Can't Do
- Protected Property!
- Private Sign
- Whose The Stuffy???
- Click Me Please
- Best Father's Day Add
- Government Job
- Breaking News
- Confusing Traffic Signals
- Waiting For The Line To Move On
- Funny Quotes To Live By
- Circles Are Pointless
- Shocking News
- Little Umbrella
- When You Grow Old, Your Priorities Change
- Who Is More Cute???
- Read My Mind
- Weight Conscious
- Forrest Goes to Heaven
- Cricket Crazy!
- God Damn It! What The Hell!
- Toyota Cowrolla
- What Would You Do If I Won Lotto ?
- Watch Out
- Need Attention ?
- Can You Beat Me To The Fence ?
- Woman In A Bar
- Me First... You Runners
- What Your Email ID Tells About You
- Come What May... But I'll Teach
- Human Hurdle
- Good That You Took Train
- Double Trouble!
- Responsible Pilot
- OutSourcing Love
- The Mouse Was Stinking
- Smoking Crows
- Fighter Jets???
- One More Time And ....
- When You Have To Go, You Can Stay
- It's Time You Tell Your Kids About Sex
- Funny Mugs
- Innocent Journal
- Dumb Signboard
- Another Blonde Joke
- Hearing Problem ?
- Stay Protected
- No Drop Should Go Waste
- Sharing My Mug
- These Need To Be Written
- Just Do it!
- Trapping A Mouse???
- Getting Married In Heaven
- Perfect Excuse To Avoid Speeding Ticket
- I Am Here!
- No Light No Work
- Marching With Fun
- Fifa Rocks!
- Build Strong Teeth
- Why Our Great-Grandparents Were Happier Than We Ar...
- Under Innovation
- Male Brain v/s Female Brain...
- Things I Learned From Movies
- Another Useless Sign
- Dead Duck
- Keep Your Mouth Shut
- Don't Mess With Old Guys
- Amateur Photographer
- Having A Bath
- Flat Tyre
- Happy Hippo
- Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
- Walking Down The Aisle
- What Kids Know About The Ocean
- Funny Unattended Children Signs
- Dog Quotes
- Don't Text While You Drive
- Family Planning
- Guy Walks Into A Bar
- That Was Not Funny, Old Man
- Drink Of Water
- Did You Shave Today???
- Don't Waste Even A Drop :)
- Deadly Iceland Volcano
- It's My Bussiness
- Get Your Own Space
- It Happen At Church
- Scratch My *****
- Vacation Tasks
- Stop Killing!
- Scored 100
- Two young boys were spending the night at t...
- No One Should Steal My Beer
- Wife Ordered Husband For Olives!
- Happy Or Sad???
- Who Is Deaf???
- Whats In The Name
- Thinking Ahead!!!
- Wife On Duty!
- Clever Dog!
- Wife Caught Husband
- Teaching With An Example...
- Expand WIFE!!!
- Who Fathered The Son?
- New Detective
- Being Innocent
- Wrong Enquiry!!!
- Clever Drinker!!!
- Logical Thinking!!!
- Thank God!!!
- Hmm... Exact Accounting!!!
- Why Use Cell Phones???
- Drive Through ATM Procedures
- Career Path
- House On Fire
- Answering Service At The Mental Institute
- Baby Bath
- I Owe My Mother
- Effective Weight Loss Program
- Whats Love In Front Of McDonlads
- Naming Twins!!!
- Who Is A Teenager???
- Meaning Of... 'Potentially' And 'Realistically'
- Obsessed Baseball Fans!!!
- Seeking Admission
- Male V/S Female Brain
- Good Deal Matters
- Electric Train
- Only Three Doors
- Impossible To Please!!!
- Talking Clock
- Job Application
- America's Funniest Home Videos
- Who Cares Anyway
- We'll Soon Know How God Looks Like
- School Group Photo
- Marketer In Me
- Ten Commandments
- Very Useful Signboard
- Not Easy Teaching Kids
- Government Job
- Making Babies
- Anyhting To Pass Exam
- Thats How Magic Is Done
- We Are Moving
- No Time To Buy Gifts
- Just Married
- Real Life Dilbert Type Manager
- That's Good That's Bad
- Karate Dog
- Is Computer Male Or Femal ?
- That Explains A Lot Of Things
- Wish I Had A Cap
- Party Time???
- Valid Reason
- Clever Turtle
- Finding A Suitable Girl...
- What Women Want
- Cat Scan - Now I Get It
- Catholic Hospital
- Bottle Of Wine
- Mexican Jews
- Black Barbie Price-Cut Raises Eyebrows
- Starting Young Have Many Advantages
- Inner Peace
- Something Good To Eat
- Check Presence Of Lift Before Entering Lift
- Killed A Bird With A Stone
- Double Sided Car
- Touching Speech
- Never Argue With A Woman
- Become A Fan
- Clever Women
- Kitty, Kitty, Kitty
- Getting Even With IRS
- Nice Invention, But What's The Use ?
- Too Much Into Technology!!!
- Learning Marketing???
- Kodak Sport's Moment
- Risky Leak
- Movie Ratings
- Short Staff
- I Love Milk
- Good Dad
- Border Dispute
- iCoffin : For The Hi-Tech Send-Off
- Facebook Warning
- Rhyme Not To Be Used On Valentines Day
- Miserable Facts About Valentine's Day
- Free Advertising
- Love Is Blind
- A Secret Place To Sleep
- Dear Dad
- Dear God
- Birds And Bees
- Blonde Password
- Swiss vs Russian Army Knife
- Kids Are Logical
- Silence Is Golden
- Go Prepared This Valentines Day
- iMug 1.0
- Jan' 10 Archive
- Mr. Bean Starring In Avatar Part 2
- Men Can Never Understand Women
- Now Thats A Bike
- Advertising Bloopers
- Is She Gonna Make It ?
- Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Cost Of Near Miss
- Kelley's Restaurant
- Long Time No See Son, Please Log Off
- I Was Just Practicing
- Sitting Higher Have Big Advantages
- Attention Dogs
- Sex Of Fly
- Also, The Bridge Is Out Ahead
- You Know You Are Living 2010 When
- Reverse Psychology
- This Food Is Too Boring
- Some Nutritional Facts
- Anti Fans
- How You Live Is Your Choice To Make
- Smart Dad
- Exorcist Girl
- Understanding Tax Cuts
- New Pringles Hot n Spicy
- Brave Firemen ?
- Die Hard Canadian Hockey Fan
- Fart Football
- Optimist : Never Gives Up
- Trouble Handling You Kids : Order This
- Happy Plane
- Dream Job
- When Cloning Goes Wrong!!!!
- Flying Could Be Such A Fun
- Last Five Minutes Before The Time Ends Up
- Drinking Competition
- The Four Goldberg Brothers
- Getting Rid Of Wrinkles
- How Dare You Click My Picture Without My Permissio...
- Definition Of Kiss
- Drag N Drop
- Have You Ever Been This Tired????
- This Is What a Computer Should Do First Thing In M...
- Pregnancy Q & A
- Blogging ? Better Mind Your Grammar
- No One Tells Me Shit
- Everything OK : No Protest
- Murphy's Technology Laws
- Life Is Long
- Indian Curry
- I Am Not Amused
- Go !! Stand Against The Wall
- Somethings Are Important Than General Knowledge
- Football Or Is It ?
- Catholic Kids
- Heavenly Meeting
- Photoshop : Fixes Anything
- Smart Choice
- 3 Stages Of Life
- Why Not Use What You Have?
- The Guy With Pink Tee Is Dead Meat
- Winter Weather Forecast
- The Meeting's Over Guys
- The Importance of Exercise
- DoYou Know Where Kiwi Comes From
- Craziest Explanation Ever
- Donut Philosophy
- Honest Scammer
- Alcohol Addiction
- Quick, Or My Patient Will Die
- Pre Examinations
- Cops On Duty
- Fun Pool Activities
- What To Do When Your Internet Goes Down
- Pie Chart Of Time Spent Working On Electronics
- Think You Are Smart
- Paint Fail
- Nobody Cares About Humans These Days
- How Long Has It Been Since You Played Around?
- My To Do List For Last Year
- Car Won't Start
- Can't Do Without TV
- Why It's Better To Be Women
- Shoot Me
- Questions That Haunt Me
- Happy New Year To All Laughitout Reader
- Obama's New Year Celebration
- New Year Resolutions
- Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
- One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
- You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
- Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
- Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
- You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
- Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
- Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
- You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
- Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
- The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
- The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
- Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
- Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
- Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
- You never ever run out of salt.
- Old ladies can eat more than you think.
- You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
- There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
- No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
- People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
- In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Tags: funny lists
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two black, two with cream.”
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listene...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....