### Second Anniversary

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2″ on the card.

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”

### Blonde Daycare Center

A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.

She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"

The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."

The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.

The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."

The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"

The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."

### What's The Time ?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." ﻿

### Smart Gorilla

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “*@#\$! you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.

Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

### Jail Break

 R.I.P You Guys

### Corruption Case

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

### Life Saver Pig

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”

The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”

The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”

The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”

The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”

The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”

### Presentation Is All That Matters

 Assange vs. Zuckerberg

### Proud To Be Guilty

Ross and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ross didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Ross hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Ross lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ross, but one day, Sam approached the park and—lo and behold!—there sat Ross! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Ross, what in the world happened to you?’ Ross replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Ross said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde nurse at the Doctor’s office where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, “OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median.”

His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, “How do you spell ‘median’?”

### Hiring To Offload My Worries

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

### Tooth Extraction

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"﻿

### Want Some Orange Juice?

 Hmm Yummy

### Water In Carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool." ﻿

### Guess Who Are The Latest Victims Of Wikileaks

 So Much For Secret Identity

### We Are Recruiting

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute)and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
" Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're an Employee. "

### New Year Resolutions You Can Keep

1. Spend more time watching TV/movies.
2. Chat more over the internet.
4. Put on at least 30 pounds.
5. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
6. Procrastinate more.
7. Drink. Drink some more.
8. Start being superstitious.
9. Spend more time at work. Get less done.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

### Slow Suicide

 He Might Die Waiting

### Baseball In Heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

### Truths Of Life

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
3. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
4. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
5. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
6. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
7. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
8. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
9. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
10. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
11. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
14. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
15. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
16. Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
17. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
18. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
19. You never ever run out of salt.
20. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
21. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
22. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
23. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
24. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
25. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

### Six Cups Of Coffee In Thermos

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two black, two with cream.”