Update For Your Computer

Windows: Anything New Is Bad

Girls Are So Demanding

A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a big-old motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, “Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, “Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, “Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so, YOU ride it!”

Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. 
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. 
She read, '… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Dad ! Can I Have Drink Of Water ?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…..'Da-ad….'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad…..'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later……'Daaaa-aaaad…..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

Thought For The Day


Taking The Temperature

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” 

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” After a pause, the doctor confessed… 

“Not with a Lotus stem.”

With Age Comes Wisdom

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.  The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’

’I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

Valentine’s Day Jokes

February 14th is right around the corner, which means it's time for a few misguided Valentine's Day Jokes to poke fun at the day Cupid makes his rounds poking people in the butt with painful arrows and such. Rather than bore you with a bunch of babbling, we'll get right to the funny jokes.


Top 5 Valentine (Or Love / Marriage) Quotes
  1. "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." ~Ann Landers
  2. "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." ~David Bissonnette
  3. "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week." ~Laurence J. Peter
  4. "Women are cursed, and men are the proof." ~Rosanne Barr
  5. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." ~Groucho Marx
Top 5 (Lame) Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe!
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.


Planning to propose to Girl this Valentines Day - be careful. Go Prepared :)





I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face 


Lost In Translation

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

Kids With Attitude




Three Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: “That is very impressive!” The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: “That is really very impressive!” The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai smiled, “Well, circumcision is not intended to kill.

Smart Bubba

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking Down Main Street and saw his Buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new Pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him With a wide grin.
‘Bubba, where’d you git that truck?’
‘Tammie give it to me,’ Bubba replied.
‘She give it to ya?

I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya - But a new truck?’

‘Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle Of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the Truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’
‘So I took the truck!’

TAMMIE

’Bubba, yore a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit ya!’

Sick Of Not Being Understood


7 Degrees Of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up..

The husband asked, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, jerk, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of  Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the  Delaware ."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Current Hits