Sunday, February 27, 2011
Girls Are So Demanding
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, “Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily, “Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley, so, YOU ride it!”
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Chicken Little
Friday, February 18, 2011
Dad ! Can I Have Drink Of Water ?
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad…..'
Five minutes later……'Daaaa-aaaad…..'
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Taking The Temperature
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” After a pause, the doctor confessed…
“Not with a Lotus stem.”
With Age Comes Wisdom
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’ On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ’I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine’s Day Jokes
Top 5 Valentine (Or Love / Marriage) Quotes
- "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." ~Ann Landers
- "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." ~David Bissonnette
- "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week." ~Laurence J. Peter
- "Women are cursed, and men are the proof." ~Rosanne Barr
- "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." ~Groucho Marx
A: I only have eyes for ewe!
A: Forget-me-nuts.
A: I'm stuck on you!
A: You turn me on.
Planning to propose to Girl this Valentines Day - be careful. Go Prepared :)
Until, that is, I met your brother.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Lost In Translation
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Three Samurai
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: “That is very impressive!” The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: “That is really very impressive!” The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai smiled, “Well, circumcision is not intended to kill.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Smart Bubba
Bubba pulled up to him With a wide grin.
‘Bubba, where’d you git that truck?’
‘Tammie give it to me,’ Bubba replied.
‘She give it to ya?
I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya - But a new truck?’
‘Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 6, in the middle Of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the Truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’
‘So I took the truck!’
TAMMIE
’Bubba, yore a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit ya!’
Saturday, February 5, 2011
7 Degrees Of Blonde
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up..
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, jerk, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W."
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Friday, February 4, 2011
Current Hits
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BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If w...
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Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
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Albert Einstein is best mind known to human. He was the most Intellectual person ever. But still he had a funny side to him. Following are s...
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1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I ...
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1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn...