Laugh IT Out: July 2011

A Different Perspective

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..’

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.

‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.

Oops Moments

Town For Sale In Dakota

Scenic, South Dakota, might not have much -- a dance hall, a jail and a handful of out-buildings. But it's a town. And most of it could be yours for $799,000

It's 46 acres in total -- 12 acres in town and 34 acres around it -- located about 50 miles east of Rapid City, South Dakota

The property is posted on buyscenicsd.com, which offers video tours of various locations. Cow skulls adorn the sign for the Longhorn Saloon, which advertises tobacco, lunch and dancing -- in that order.

Since its heyday, Scenic has seen its population dwindle to less than 10 people. Nearly everyone in town is related to Twila Merril, Olsen said.

Since Merill was diagnosed with cancer, the upkeep on Scenic has become too much for the family, he said.

"It's really an interesting place and there's so much history," Olsen said about the town. "All it needs is a little population -- and ingenuity."

via

A-B-C Of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.

Time Changes Everything

Bumper Stickers

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
I bet Jesus would have used his turn signal.
Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.
Actions speak louder than bumper-stickers.

Side Effect Of Cutting So Many Trees

Waiting For Their Turn

You Have All The Equipment

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Cell Phone Finder

We only keep a landline so I can call my cell when I lose it in the house

Boss : He Is Always Right

Quick Thinking

A man walked into the produce section of a local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce."

The manager was looking behind the boy, so the boy turned around to see the man standing right behind him. So he quickly added: "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Thank you, sir," the boy replied.

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir."

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing down there but whores and football players!"

"Really," said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No kidding!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Quote Of The Day

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:
1. To plant your idea in someone's head.
2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

* The one who succeeds in the former- is a 'teacher'.
* The one who succeeds in the latter- is a 'boss'.
* The one who succeeds in both is a 'wife'.
* The one who fails in both is a 'husband'

How To Design A Software

Motivational Posters

An Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?” Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” “What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.” “Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

All I Need Is Love

Women's Best Friend

Man is a woman’s best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait…… sorry……. I’m thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.