Tags: Software Engineer
- "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
- "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."
- "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
- "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"
- "The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
- "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
- "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
- "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
- "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
- "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."
- "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
- "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
- "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
- "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
- "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
- "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
- "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
Tags: Funny Quotes
Our hero is chatting with a Girl on messenger. Both are s/w engrs.
Hero : Hey..GM.. hows u doing today?
Heroine : VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : wow...am honoured, u know wat, my day starts only when i find you on chat
Heroine : Yep...me too feel the same..brb (be right back) 'll get some coffee.
Hero : OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but i think its quite hard, is it ok with you, if i give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager : Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroine to arrive.All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Heroine : Hey, am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager, he's kinda keeps asking stupid things, tries to give me stupid work
Heroine : Yeah, its the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!
Heroine : Hey, can u do me a favour
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Heroin : Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? plzzz. You know its real urgent for me to work this out
Hero : Hey, thats a one-hour's work. Sure check ur mail in an hour from now.ok?
Heroin : THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!! YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOWWWWWW...
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...".....................:D :D :D
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the kitchen."
The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve.
The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said,
"The cat is dead!"
The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."
When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"
"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the truck ran it down!"
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Hey, you must have been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school.
- "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
- You're not gonna check my truck, are you?
- Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
- Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
- I pay your salary!
- So, uh, you on the take, or what?
- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Aren't you the guy from "The Village People"?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around...that's how far ahead of me they are.
- What do you mean "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
- Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
- And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail : That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Try this and you will be amazed! Don't look ahead! Just do it step by step SLOWLY.
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
- pick a number from 1-9
- subtract 5
- multiply by 3
- square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root)
- add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= > 1+0=1)
- if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
- multiply by 2
- subtract 6
- map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
- pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
- take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter.
- think of the color of that mammal
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry!
You have a grey elephant from Denmark.
Tags: Funny Questions
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there floatation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
- Have you ever imagined the world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
- If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughs, would milk come out it's nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped the cat from a height, what would happen?
- If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You know what to do when a label on a package says "Open Here." What is the protocol if the label says "Open Somewhere Else."?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
- Why can't they make the whole airplane out of the same material as the indestructible black box?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Tags: Funny Questions
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- The man on television told me to say tuned.
- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
- My plot to take over the world is thickening.
- I have to fulfill my potential.
- It's too close to the turn of the century.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- I'm trying to be less popular.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
Tags: funny lists
- Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
- Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
- Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
- Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
- Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
- Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
- Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
- Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
- Law of Bio-mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
- Law of the Theater or sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
- The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
- Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
- Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
- Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
- Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
- Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
- Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Tags: funny laws
There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.
The brain said, ''I should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.''
The feet said, ''We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.''
The hands said, ''We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the boss. So, the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually, they all decided that the a**hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***!
Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a**hole will do.
- Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off.
- Batman and Robin are now Batman and Raman. Batman fired Robin and hired Raman in Bengaluru because Raman was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
- Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
- Women finally marrying for love, and not money
- Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way tomake a small fortune? A: Start off with a large one.
- The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third biggest lender.
- Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
- Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean? A: In a few weeks, nothing.
- Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
Three little boys went into a candy store. " I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth. But he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.
"What will you have?" he asked.
"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.
"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.
"No, sir," answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder.
"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.
"A nickel worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.
"What?" Chris replied.
"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"
"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.
"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.
"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.
- Rami Belson
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me. "
"People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege. "
"Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it. "
"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned "
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. "
"I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken. "
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
- Whinnie The Pooh
"People that don't know me think I'm shy.People that do know me wish I were. "
Tags: Funny Quotes
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much lea...
G eorge B ush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and ...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet....
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have thei...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished clea...
After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid. The audiologist confirmed it. "How...
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex. 2. It is more important to have good health insuranc...
Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? Well, some of them are! I wish I’d thought of this ... At a high school in Montana a group of stu...
The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it? Answer Coffin Ther...