The Laws of Work



  1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
  2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
  3. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
  4. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  5. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
  6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
  8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  9. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  10. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
  12. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  13. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
  14. Arriving to work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not appreciate.
  15. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
  16. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  17. To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.
  18. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
  19. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  21. You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.
  22. The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.
  23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  26. Following the rules will not get the job done.
  27. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  28. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  29. No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.
  30. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Watching Movie In 3D


Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

How to Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity In The Workplace



  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
  • Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
  • Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  • "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
  • Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  • Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
  • Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
  • Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
  • Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
  • Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
  • For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
  • Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  • Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Dad's Words Of Wisdom

For all the fathers out there, how many of these have you said...
  • Don't ask me, ask your mother.
  • Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.
  • You didn't beat me. I let you win.
  • Big boys don't cry.
  • Don't worry. It's only blood.
  • Don't you know any normal boys?
  • Now you listen to ME, Buster!
  • I'll play catch after I read the paper.
  • Coffee will stunt your growth.
  • A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
  • Get your elbows off the table.
  • I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
  • Who said life was supposed to be fair?
  • Always say "please" and "thank you". That way, you get more.
  • If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world.
  • You call that a haircut?
  • "Hey" is for horses.
  • This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
  • Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money?
  • Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.
  • You call that noise "music"?
  • We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.
  • No, we're not there yet.
  • Shake it off. It's only pain.
  • When I was your age , I treated MY father with respect.
  • As long as you live under my roof, you' ll live by my rules.
  • I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.
  • Do what I say, not what I do.
  • Sit up straight!
  • So, you think you're smart, do you?
  • What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
  • Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.
  • If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
  • C'mon, you throw like a girl.
  • You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
  • You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
  • This is your last warning. Your mother worries.
  • I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
  • What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
  • I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!
  • Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
  • What do you think I am, a bank?
  • What part of NO don't you understand?
  • I don't care what other people are doing!
  • I'm not everybody else's father!
  • You're not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
  • Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
  • Worrying about things you can't change is like a rocking chair... it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
  • Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing.
  • I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here.
  • If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.
  • Didn't your teacher learn you anything?!
  • You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
  • It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
  • I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying.
  • Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along.
  • Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
  • Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
  • You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl.
  • I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.
  • Don't use that tone with me!
  • Am I talking to a brick wall?
  • If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
  • Act your age.
  • Two wrongs do not make a right.
  • Wipe your feet!
  • Enough is enough!
  • Don't make me stop the car!
  • What did I just get finished telling you?

Mission : Shopping


Get Out!


Prison Vs Work

  • In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
  • At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

  • In prison you get 3 meals a day.
  • At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

  • In prison you get time off for good behavior.
  • At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

  • In prison you can watch TV and play games.
  • At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

  • In prison a guard locks, unlocks...opens and closes all the doors for you.
  • At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

  • In prison you get your own toilet.
  • At work you have to share.
  • In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
  • At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
  • In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
  • At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
  • In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
  • At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
  • In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
  • At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
  • In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
  • At work we call them managers.

The Worlds Best Silliest Questions

  1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it?
  2. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
  3. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
  4. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
  5. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
  6. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
  7. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg *are* white" or "The yolk of the egg *is* white"?

Merry Christmas To Everyone

There are 4 stages in life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You do not believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus.....!!!!

To people in all stages 
Merry Christmas 
And A Very Happy New Year






Bargaining Tip


Drug Dealers Vs. Geeks


Drug DealersSoftware Developers
Refer to their clients as "users"Refer to their clients as "users"
"The first one's free!""Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections. Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:

"Stick"


"Rock"

"Wrap"

"E"

"Stash"

"Drive-by"

"Hit (LSD)"


"Source"

"The Pigs"
Strange jargon:

"SCSI"

"RTFM"

"Packet"


"C"

"Cache"

"CTRL ALT DEL"

"Hit (WWW)"

"Source-code"

"Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash

in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Realize that there's tons of cash

in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Clients really like your stuff when it works.

When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.

When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's

producing newer, more potent product.
Job is assisted by the industry's

producing newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company of pimps,

hustlers and low-lifes.
Often seen in the company of marketing

people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just


a phone call away, but may be expensive.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just

a phone call away, but may be expensive.
A lot of people are getting rich

while still teenagers.
A lot of people are getting rich

while still teenagers.
Product causes unhealthy addictionsDOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D...
Do your job well and you can sleep with


sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Damn! DAMN!!!

Love SMS

IF,YOU ARE AWAKE, THEN SEND ME A MESSAGE
IF,YOU ARE SLEEPING,THEN SEND ME DREAM
IF,YOU ARETHINKING, THEN SEND ME MEMORIES
IF,YOU ARE CRYING, SEND ME YOUR TEARS

Girl friend replied :--

I AM IN LOO, TELL ME WHAT SHALL I SEND YOU!

Love Is Blind


Corporate Algebra

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:

Power = Work / Time and since:
Knowledge = Power and:
Time = Money,

it is therefore true that:
Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

10 Reasons Why We Know Santa Is A Man

Like My Photo Or Else



Trouble With Trouble

American Habbits

A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions.


Driving

  • 4 out of 5 sing in the car (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
  • 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
  • 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
  • 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
  • 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
  • 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
  • 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. (Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behind you)

What we shouldn't be doing

  • 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
  • 91% of us lie regularly.
  • 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

Religion

  • 90% believe in divine retribution.
  • 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average)
  • 82% believe in an afterlife.
  • 45% believe in ghosts.
  • 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
  • 49% believe in ESP.

Daily Living

  • 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
  • 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
  • 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
  • 59% of us say we're average-looking.
  • Less than 10% are trilingual.
  • 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
  • 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
  • 44% reuse tinfoil.
  • 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
  • 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
  • 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
  • 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
  • 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
  • On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
  • 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

Love And Sex

  • 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
  • Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
  • 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?)
  • The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
  • Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
  • 56% of men have had sex at work.
  • 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
  • Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
  • 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
  • 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue) (And what percent said yes?)

Of Course I Have A Minute For You

Studying Before Exam


Ten Reasons Why Beer Should Be Served At Work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It leads to more honest communications.
  3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  5. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  6. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  7. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  8. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  9. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  10. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."


Sleeping Genre


Angry Birds


New Sick Leave Policy


TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: New Sick Leave Policy

SICKNESS:No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT

Male Comebacks to Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven’t I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore."
Man: "Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut."

Man: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I’m a female impersonator."
Man: "That explains the moustache then!"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised."
Man: "No problem, I’ll just shoot my load up your arse."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "But would you stay there?"
Man: "Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you’ve been shagged."

Man: "Would you like to dance?"
Woman: "I’d rather eat glass."
Man: "I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants"

Man: "You’re pretty."
Woman: "Piss off."
Man: "Don’t interrupt, You’re pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine."
Man: "That’s cool, cause after I’m done shagging you in the back of my car, I don’t give a shit where you go."

Who Has The Worst Job Ever?

Lunchtime Blues


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

Had A Little Problem At School

Never Forget To Tip


Cheap Gas Idea

Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On A Flight

  • Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
  • Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
  • Call the stewardess "nurse".
  • Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
  • Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
  • Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
  • Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
  • Continually offer to share your "Beano".
  • Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
  • Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
  • Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
  • Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
  • Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
  • Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
  • Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
  • Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
  • Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
  • Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

Hurry !! Christmas Is Almost Here


Lost Productive Time

Your Company
1 Bad Place
Nowhere, USA
To All Employees:

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. 

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting.
Attached: Extended Job Code List

CodeExplanation
5316Useless meeting
5317Obstructing communications at meeting
5318Trying to sound knowledgeable while in meeting
5319Waiting for break
5320Waiting for lunch
5321Waiting for end of day
5322Vicious verbal attacks directed at coworker
5323Vicious verbal attacks directed at coworker while coworker is not present
5393Covering for incompetence of coworker friend
5394Blaming incompetence of coworker who is not a friend
5400Trying to explain concept to coworker who is not interested in learning
5401Trying to explain concept to coworker who is stupid
5402Trying to explain concept to coworker who hates you
5403Explaining concept to clueless management
5481Buying snack
5482Eating snack
5500Filling out timesheet
5501Inventing timesheet entries
5502Waiting for something to happen
5503Scratching yourself
5504Sleeping
5505Pointless filler work
5506Initialing checklist of pointless filler work
5510Feeling bored
5600Complaining about lousy job
5601Complaining about low pay
5602Complaining about long hours
5603Complaining about coworker (see codes #5322 & #5323)
5604Complaining about boss
5605Complaining about personal problems
5640Miscellaneous unproductive complaining
5701Not actually present at job
5702Suffering from eight-hour flu
6102Ordering out
6103Waiting for food delivery to arrive
6104Taking it easy while digesting food
6150 Using company resources for personal profit
6200Talking with neighbor on phone
6201Talking with police on the phone
6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying company files
6203Using company phone to make long-distance personal calls
6204Using company phone to make long-distance personal calls to sell stolen company goods
6205 Hiding from boss
6206 Gossip
6207Planning a social event (e.g. Vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210Feeling sorry for yourself
6211Updating resume
6212Faxing resume to another employer/headhunter
6213Out of office on interview
6221Pretending to work while boss is watching 
6222Pretending to enjoy your job
6223Pretending you like coworker
6224Pretending you like important people when in reality they are jerks
6238Miscellaneous unproductive fantasizing
6350 Playing pranks on the new guy/girl
6601 Running your own business on company time (see code #6603)
6602Complaining
6603 Writing a book on company time
6611 Staring into space
6612 Staring at computer screen
6615 Transcendental meditation
7281 Extended visit to the bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400Talking with your/spouse's divorce lawyer on phone
7401 Talking with plumber on phone
7402 Talking with dentist on phone
7403 Talking with doctor on phone
7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
7405 Talking with house painter on phone
7406Talking with personal therapist on phone

Economy


Daily Funny Pics


Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

  1. It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
  2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
  3. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last  time management course you sent me to.
  4. I was working smarter, not harder.
  5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
  6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and  envisioning a new paradigm!"
  7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
  8. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
  9. I'm in the management training program.
  10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
  11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
  12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
  13. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
  14. The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decafe in the wrong  pot.
  15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
  16. It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
  17. I was cross-training for telecommuting.
  18. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
  19. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
  20. The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
  21. I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

I Am Not A Quitter


An Engineers Choice


An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I Need A Break


Why Did You Leave Last Job ?


Mayan Doomsday Prophecy Update

Sad news Dear frnds, The 'End-Of-The-World' which is scheduled for 2012 has been postpond to 2025,due to some technical problem. Plz co-operate & do ur work properly

Top 10 Rules Of Boozing


Know Your Strengths Before You Dare


On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

My Last Wish


Thank Heavens

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

What Do You Think ?


Wife: Can you help me in garden??
Husband: What do you think, I'm Gardener..??

Wife: Can you fix door handle??
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Carpenter..??

In the Evening when husband came from the work, He saw everything has been fixed..!!

He asked: Who fixed this..??
Wife: "Our Neighbor but he gave me 2 options..!!

Either I should give him burger or a kiss..!!"

Husband: I'm sure you must have given a burger..!!
Wife: What do You think, I'm McDonald's..??

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