Merry Christmas To Everyone

There are 4 stages in life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You do not believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus.....!!!!

To people in all stages 
Merry Christmas 
And A Very Happy New Year






Men Vs Women Discoveries

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT..
Woman got inspired from PAINT and invented MAKEUP..

Man discovered WORD and invented CONVERSATION..
Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP..

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD...
Woman got inspired from FOOD and invented DIET....

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE....
Woman got inspired from LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES..

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY...
Woman got MONEY and started SHOPPING...

Thats it!
Thereafter, man has discovered and invented a lot of things...

WHILE WOMEN ARE STILL SHOPPING... !

Common Sense

An illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip, they set up their tent and feel asleep.
Some hour later, father wakes his son and asks:
"Look up to the sky and tell me what do you see?
Son: I see Millions of stars...
Father: What does that tell you?
Son: Astronomically it tells there are millions of galaxies and planets up there...
Father: Slaps the son hard and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Fun At School

Chemical Formula
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Spelling
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


Multiplication
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables! * *


Late for school
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


Teacher and a student
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is! * *
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?CLASS : Maria!* *



 

Three Wishes

A fairy saw a lion chasing a rabbit in the forest . She asked both to stop

"I will grant u both 3 wishes"

Both Agree

Lion:- All d lions in dis forest, except me, be female.

Rabbit wished 4 a helmet.

Lion thought stupid rabbit, wasting his wish.

2nd wish
Lion:- i wish all the lion in next forest be female.

Rabbit asked for a bike.

Lion shocked again

3rd wish
Lion:- all the lion in world be female except me.

The rabbit grinned, started his bike n said
.
.
.
.
.
.
Make this lion gay !!

Packing


Magic Sandwich

Once, a blonde went to a restaurant on the 90th floor in a tower,she saw a very handsome man

BLONDE: what are you eating ?

MAN: I'm eating the magic sandwich

BLONDE: magic ! what does it do ?

MAN: i'll show u\you, then he jumped out of the window and fly around the tower and returned

BLONDE: i want to try the magic sandwich plz plz plz

MAN: hey waiter , bring her the same sandwich I ordered

The BLONDE ate it and jumped out of the window but she fell down and died !

The WAITER TURNED 2 the MAN and SAID:
SUPERMAN, You are a bad man when you're Drunk !!

Man , From Women's Point Of View

From women's point of view
  • The most perfect man in the world is her father. :)
  • The most abused husband in the world is her brother. :p
  • The most handsome man in the world is her son. ;)
  • The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband. :D
  • The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
  • And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in in the world in her husband.

Ok ! Now What ?


We Are All Extraodinary

An ordinary person will be with books.
But an extraordinary person will be in that book.

We all are extraordinary persons.
.
.
.
.
.
coz we are on

“FACEBOOK” !! Cheers !

Why Do Couples Fight ?

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump And then the fight started.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen. Then the fight started.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale. And then the fight started.

Halloween party

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. 

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. 

After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. 

As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. 

Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" 

He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."

Survival Puzzle

Imagine you are in Hwange. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.



Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

Scroll down for answer...













Sing Happy Birthday.

Man, Tiger, Mouse And God

A man was being chased by a tiger. He ran as hard as he could until he was at the edge of a cliff with the tiger in hot pursuit. The man looked over the edge of the cliff and saw a branch growing out of the side of the cliff a few feet down. He jumped down and grabbed the branch just as the tiger reached the cliff. The tiger growled viciously as the man sighed a great sigh of relief.
Just then a mouse came out from a crevice and began to chew on the branch. The man looked down to what was a drop of a thousand feet and sure death and looked to the heavens and yelled out, "Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help."
Suddenly a voice came booming down from heaven, "You will do anything I ask?" it questioned.
The man shocked to hear a reply to his plea yelled back, "I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me."
The voice from heaven then replied, "There is one way to save you but it will take courage and faith."
The branch began to weaken from the mouse and the tiger was still growling a few feet above the man, "Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my will."
The voice from heaven then said, "All right then, let go of the branch."
The man looked down to a fall of a thousand feet and certain death. He looked up at the hungry tiger a few feet away and he looked at the mouse still chewing on the branch. Then he looked up at the heavens and yelled, "Is there anyone else up there?"

Doctor Jokes

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the cup before you drink."


The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."


Learning Tenses

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.

Mexican Architect To Rebuilt World Trade Centre


Being Courteous

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. 
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" 
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."


Girl I Like The Most

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Adam talks to God.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?""I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?""I did that Adam so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?""Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

New Study


Grandma\'s peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Teacher Students Jokes

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it? 
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me? 

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia? 
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines! 

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there! 

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. 
Pupil: I know. But, maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

The Bus Conductor


Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.

He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.

Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also, to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.

This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his
injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.

The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still couldn't? Then see below.........
Think hard

C'mon .............

Tired....?

Wanna know the answer????

Ok........ here is the Answer............

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!!

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. 

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
.

Bathroom Lights ???

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. 

He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?'' 

Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!''

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. 

The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

''Mrs. Johnson yells, ''STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''

When does the Bar Open?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna get OUT!!!"
.

Blonde In Boeing


A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. 

As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"

`There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Blonde In A Flight School...

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

A Matter Of Punctuation...


An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Lady, Tree And The Doctor...

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in 
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in 
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she 
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she 
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the 
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In 
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. 

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining 
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited 
for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he 
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental 
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land 
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 
recreational area."

Talking Behind The Back


Welcome to Hell Sweetheart


Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace ...

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things that I started and
hadn't finished ... and before coming to work this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and 
Tia Maria, my Prozac, a couple of valiums, three cigars and a box of
chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel!

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Late one Friday night a bartender notices a guy walking in with his pet monkey. The man comes to the bar, orders a beer and starts drinking. While his owner is enjoying his beverage, the monkey is free to run around the bar doing whatever his little monkey brain can come up with.

About 10 minutes after they came in the monkey makes his way to the pool tables. He notices the pool balls laying on the table, so he grabs the cue ball, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.

The bartender is simply in shock over this, but doesn't say anything. The owner paid the cover charge, so it's none of his business. The owner orders two more beers and then leaves for the evening.

Two weeks later, the bartender notices the same man and his monkey return to the bar. The owner walks up to the bar, orders his first beer of the evening and allows his pet monkey to have free reign in the bar again.

After running around for a few minutes, the monkey gets hungry. He (the monkey) walks up to the bar and climbs up on a nearby bar stool. He spies a bowl of complementary beer nuts. He (the monkey) grabs one of them and shoves it up his (the monkey's) butt. Immediately afterwards, the monkey removes the item and promptly eats it.

The bartender, observing all of this, allows curiosity to get the best of him. He breaks down and asks the owner: "Why did your pet monkey shove that up his butt and then eat it?"

The owner put down his beer and calmly explained the situation:

"Well, if you remember two weeks ago, when he was in here, he swallowed the cue ball?"

The bartender nods in agreement.

"This time, he wanted to make sure something would come out properly before he ate it."

Laws Of Life

  • Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
  • Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
  • The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
  • Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
  • First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
  • Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
  • Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
  • The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
  • Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot

Its Friday And I Love It :)


Do You Want To Make Money Fast ?

Do You Want To Make Money Fast ?

Of course you do, we all do !!! Here's how to do so with little effort, and, yes IT'S LEGAL. (to a point)

First you need a bullet proof vest. And some masks. Guns help but they're not necessary. Finally, you'll need three suckers-er, um, friends to join you.

Now, what you do is you go into any bank and yell and scream and make tons of noise. Break things, push people around, shoot your guns, basically raise hell until the cops show up.

Once the police arrive, tell them you want 1 million dollars, a helicopter, a monster truck with a tilting bed, a 5,000 gallon fish tank and 300 tons of pop tarts. This will definitely get the attention of your target audience: the news crews.

Once the news reporters arrive, get on the phone to the news stations and offer live interviews to the highest bidder. Banks have lots of phone lines, so you can conference them in. Get your pals to call hard copy and the enquirer, they'll want a piece of the action!

You should have a few hours of negotiation time before the cops finally bust in and take you down. But we're not done yet! Oh no! Start yelling at the cops and calling them names. Keep insulting them until they beat you to a pulp. Then you sue, sue SUE!!

Finally, after your release from prison, hit the talk show circuit. Go on Sally, Geraldo and Oprah and tell them how society at large is to blame for the crimes you were forced to commit. Then plug your autobiography: "I'm the bank robber you saw on hard copy"

If you do it right, you might even star in your own made-for-TV movie! Mo'money, Mo' money, MO' MONEY!

Personal Disclaimer: If any of you get arrested, beaten, deported or killed because of this posting, I claim no responsibility for your actions. Furthermore, any such lawsuit will be answered by a countersuit alleging theft of my idea. You have been warned.

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