Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Leave Excuses

Need an excuse for not going to work? Please fell free to use any of the excuses listed below. And Employers, please stay out of here. We don't need you knowing how we came up with our latest excuse!

  • I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
  • My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.
  • I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
  • I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
  • I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.
  • I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
  • I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.
  • My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.
  • My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctor.
  • My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
  • Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
  • I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Real Love

Beer! And Some Quotes

  1. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
  2. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
  3. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
  4. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
  5. Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
  6. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. His reply -- Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
  7. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
  8. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
  9. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
  10. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
  11. Beer is good food.
  12. It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in tank.
  13. Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
  14. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
  15. Beer - Nature's laxative.
  16. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
  17. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
  18. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habit's, Dave Barry
  19. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
  20. My problem with most althletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
  21. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
  22. Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
  23. Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary
  24. Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
  25. People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Free Help

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. 

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Frog Fresh.. oops... Means Farm Fresh

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Bachelor's Monthly Milestones

Leave Applications

Things You'd Love To Say At Work

  • I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  • Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started! out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Go Back : We F****D Up Everything


A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don't say!" says the America, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Time Really Flies

You're Growing Older When

  1. Your kids are becoming you, and you don’t like them. But your grandchildren are perfect!
  2. Going out is good. Coming home is better!
  3. When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights, but you don’t feel like going to the trouble.
  4. You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even know you!!!
  5. The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the fifteen pounds.
  6. You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.
  7. Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
  8. The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
  9. Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.
  10. Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident!
  11. You used to say, “I hope my kids get married.” Now you say, “I hope they stay married!”
  12. You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
  13. You remember when Google, iPod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  14. You now use more four-letter words ..”what?”…”when?”
  15. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
  16. Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
  17. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.
  18. Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?
  19. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
  20. Everybody whispers.
  21. Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
  22. You have three sizes of clothes in your closet …two of which you will never wear.
  23. But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS -if you can remember who they are!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Office Monday To Friday

Give Me An Excuse That I Haven't Heard Before

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Catholic Kids

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well....?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,slim, tall,38D breast, 24” waist,34” hips. When she walks into a room people say, “Oh My God.”

Drinking Right

Friday, January 13, 2012

Perfect Computer

Coincident Or What ?

Funny Answering Machine Ideas

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a message" message? Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...

  1. WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later. 
  2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  3. Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
  4. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 
  5. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 555-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP) E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
  6. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
  7. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
  8. I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.  
  9. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  10. Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? 2. ... BEEP (Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device... 3. You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
  11. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
  12. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
  13. (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Hi, you've reached 555-2359.
  14. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
  15. The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. Please make a note of it.
  16. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
  17. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.  
  18. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
  19. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
  20. Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
  21. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
  22. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
  23. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
  24. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
  25. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Using Chopsticks : Grandma Style

Useful Work Phrases

  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

You Can't Cuff Me

What a Warning...

Last Time In Dallas

A cowboy walks into a bar in a town he'd never been to before.

This town is known for their vehement harrassment of strangers, and that's exactly what happens to the cowboy the whole time he's in the bar.

He finally tires of it, finishes his beer and walks out the door only to discover his horse is missing.

He walks back into the bar, removes his pistol from the holster, shoots once in the air, and says,
"Alright, my horse is missing and I'm not happy about it. I'm going to sit down here at the bar and have me another beer, and by the time I'm finished with it my horse better be standing outside or I'm just gonna have to do what I did in Dallas last time this happened to me!!."

Of course this scares everyone to death and nobody even whispers while he drinks his second beer. He finishes it, walks outside, and his horse has been returned! The bartender follows him outside and meekly says, "Excuse me mister, but if you don't mind me asking, what did you do in Dallas?" The cowboy says....  "I . . .  walked home."

Monday, January 9, 2012

Letter To Monday


Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don't have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the game warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it," said the game warden, "Take all the debris you want.” And with that, the game Warden left.

As soon as the game warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Browsing Meditation

Cheap Air Bags For Your Car

Its Always 50 - 50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. 

As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Credit Cards Can Change Your Life

December'11 Archieve

List of all posts made in December 2011, check if you missed any

  • The Laws of Work
  • Watching Movie In 3D
  • Political Science for Dummies
  • How to Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity In The Wor...
  • Dad's Words Of Wisdom
  • Mission : Shopping
  • The World As We Know
  • Get Out!
  • Prison Vs Work
  • The Worlds Best Silliest Questions
  • Post Christmas Effects
  • Has This Happened With You
  • Only Doctor Can Understand Doctor's Handwriting
  • You'r Next
  • Merry Christmas To Everyone
  • Bargaining Tip
  • Drug Dealers Vs. Geeks
  • Love SMS
  • Love Is Blind
  • Corporate Algebra
  • 10 Reasons Why We Know Santa Is A Man
  • 20 Inch Snowfall
  • Twilight Zone
  • Take My Advice
  • Like My Photo Or Else
  • Trouble With Trouble
  • American Habbits
  • Of Course I Have A Minute For You
  • Studying Before Exam
  • Ten Reasons Why Beer Should Be Served At Work
  • Sleeping Genre
  • Angry Birds
  • New Sick Leave Policy
  • Male Comebacks to Female Comebacks
  • Who Has The Worst Job Ever?
  • Lunchtime Blues
  • Had A Little Problem At School
  • Never Forget To Tip
  • Cheap Gas Idea
  • Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On A ...
  • Hurry !! Christmas Is Almost Here
  • Lost Productive Time
  • Economy
  • Daily Funny Pics
  • Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cu...
  • I Am Not A Quitter
  • An Engineers Choice
  • I Need A Break
  • Why Did You Leave Last Job ?
  • Mayan Doomsday Prophecy Update
  • Top 10 Rules Of Boozing
  • Know Your Strengths Before You Dare
  • My Last Wish
  • Thank Heavens
  • Snowman : Expectation Vs Reality
  • Just Give Him Your Nose
  • What Do You Think ?

  • The Last Wish

    Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

    They are all asked the following question:
    "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

    The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

    Tuesday, January 3, 2012

    A Day In Life Of Mr. Bean

    Saying Goodbye

    A couple were going out for the evening.

    They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.

    They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

    Sunday, January 1, 2012

    Going Out In Style

    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

    Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

    Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

    "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

    Wow.. What A Zoom

    Company Signs

    1. Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
    2. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
    3. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
    4. Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
    5. On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
    6. In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    7. On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
    8. At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
    9. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
    10. On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
    11. On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
    12. At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
    13. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
    14. Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
    15. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
    16. In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
    17. At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
    18. On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
    19. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
    20. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
    21. In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional..

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