Monday, February 27, 2012

Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. 

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

Sunday, February 26, 2012


Adam And Eve

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

Friday, February 24, 2012

I Dream Of A Better World

License To Drive

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at The same time?
A The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q When driving through fog, what should you use?
A Your car.

Q What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A The color.

Q How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A Heavy psychedelics.

Q What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A Carry loaded weapons.

Beware Of ....

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

We Don't Need No Education

Thinking Too Far

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist....

....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Choo - Choo

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Few Truisms

  1. Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
  2. Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
  3. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  4. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
  5. Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
  6. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  7. When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
  8. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  9. The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
  10. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  11. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
  12. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  13. A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
  14. A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
  15. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
  16. Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Date Sheet For This Valentine

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The New Dictionary

Websters come out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times. Here are a few highlight of what's inside

  • ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
  • BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
  • CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
  • CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
  • COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
  • GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
  • HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
  • INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
  • MYTH: A female moth.
  • MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
  • RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
  • SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
  • YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
  • WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
  • TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Friday, February 10, 2012

Is Google A Boy Or A Gal ?

(Non)sense And Sensibility

  1. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  2. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
  3. Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
  4. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  5. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
  6. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
  7. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  8. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
  9. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. This is great info!
  10. I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  11. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  12. The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing here?!
  13. I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
  14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  15. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. (1) Never tell everything you know.
  16. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...
  17. When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
  18. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  19. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  21. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Valentine's Day Is Cancelled

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Hard Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Friday, February 3, 2012

A Real Bad Day

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm…

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..

Beat The Heat

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Eat It With Mom's Logic

First Impression Is The Last Impression

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,

" I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said,
"Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

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