Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Late one Friday night a bartender notices a guy walking in with his pet monkey. The man comes to the bar, orders a beer and starts drinking. While his owner is enjoying his beverage, the monkey is free to run around the bar doing whatever his little monkey brain can come up with.

About 10 minutes after they came in the monkey makes his way to the pool tables. He notices the pool balls laying on the table, so he grabs the cue ball, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.

The bartender is simply in shock over this, but doesn't say anything. The owner paid the cover charge, so it's none of his business. The owner orders two more beers and then leaves for the evening.

Two weeks later, the bartender notices the same man and his monkey return to the bar. The owner walks up to the bar, orders his first beer of the evening and allows his pet monkey to have free reign in the bar again.

After running around for a few minutes, the monkey gets hungry. He (the monkey) walks up to the bar and climbs up on a nearby bar stool. He spies a bowl of complementary beer nuts. He (the monkey) grabs one of them and shoves it up his (the monkey's) butt. Immediately afterwards, the monkey removes the item and promptly eats it.

The bartender, observing all of this, allows curiosity to get the best of him. He breaks down and asks the owner: "Why did your pet monkey shove that up his butt and then eat it?"

The owner put down his beer and calmly explained the situation:

"Well, if you remember two weeks ago, when he was in here, he swallowed the cue ball?"

The bartender nods in agreement.

"This time, he wanted to make sure something would come out properly before he ate it."

Monday, July 16, 2012

Laws Of Life

  • Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
  • Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
  • The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
  • Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
  • First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
  • Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
  • Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
  • The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
  • Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot

Friday, July 13, 2012

Its Friday And I Love It :)

Do You Want To Make Money Fast ?

Do You Want To Make Money Fast ?

Of course you do, we all do !!! Here's how to do so with little effort, and, yes IT'S LEGAL. (to a point)

First you need a bullet proof vest. And some masks. Guns help but they're not necessary. Finally, you'll need three suckers-er, um, friends to join you.

Now, what you do is you go into any bank and yell and scream and make tons of noise. Break things, push people around, shoot your guns, basically raise hell until the cops show up.

Once the police arrive, tell them you want 1 million dollars, a helicopter, a monster truck with a tilting bed, a 5,000 gallon fish tank and 300 tons of pop tarts. This will definitely get the attention of your target audience: the news crews.

Once the news reporters arrive, get on the phone to the news stations and offer live interviews to the highest bidder. Banks have lots of phone lines, so you can conference them in. Get your pals to call hard copy and the enquirer, they'll want a piece of the action!

You should have a few hours of negotiation time before the cops finally bust in and take you down. But we're not done yet! Oh no! Start yelling at the cops and calling them names. Keep insulting them until they beat you to a pulp. Then you sue, sue SUE!!

Finally, after your release from prison, hit the talk show circuit. Go on Sally, Geraldo and Oprah and tell them how society at large is to blame for the crimes you were forced to commit. Then plug your autobiography: "I'm the bank robber you saw on hard copy"

If you do it right, you might even star in your own made-for-TV movie! Mo'money, Mo' money, MO' MONEY!

Personal Disclaimer: If any of you get arrested, beaten, deported or killed because of this posting, I claim no responsibility for your actions. Furthermore, any such lawsuit will be answered by a countersuit alleging theft of my idea. You have been warned.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Stuck In Toilet Prank

I'm So Busy

I Resign As An Adult

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

  • I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
  • I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
  • I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
  • I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
  • I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
  • All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
  • I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
  • I want to believe that anything is possible.
  • I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again.
  • I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
  • I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

New Theory : Survival Of The Drunkest

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine and beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Drink that wine! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

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